Homeless people won’t be getting any pocket change from me. I’m not gonna give these people my hard-earned money just so they can spend it…
NAZARETH, Pa. — Local teen Brian Miller found his father’s old stash of Playboys while snooping through the garage late last night and is now…
Last week my landlord informed me they’re raising the rent by 600 dollars. Even when you account for my monthly stipend, it means I’ll no…
KENT, Conn. — Local shoplifter and psychological mastermind Wendy “Sticky Fingers” Hartley reportedly bought a 35-cent pack of Big Red chewing gum yesterday to distract…
OAKLAND, Calif. — Local punk Eddy “Rotgut” Lewiston made a panicked phone call to his parents to make sure his vast fortune was not affected…
DENVER — A controversial new study conducted by “a gaggle of lame-ass dorks with like, basically two followers or whatever” erroneously claimed that there is…
Listen pussies, I’m not going to “tone down” my drinking just because you claim I have a problem. Sure, my bar-top dancing got us kicked…
SALT LAKE CITY — Relatively tidy local woman Aaliyah Thomson is allegedly debating which side of her horrendously stained and putrid couch cushion will be…
Talk about a once in a lifetime moment! When 33-year-old line cook Danny Bordeaux went to see Rise Against perform at Thalia Hall he never…
NEW YORK — Local punk Johnny Tolbert’s extensive record of good deeds and “random acts of kindness” are all simply court-mandated, law enforcement officials confirmed.…
TOLEDO, Ohio — A local punk church celebrated the addition of a new stained glass window today, commemorating the ultimate sacrifice made by 34-year-old Rosie…
Some genres of music span a lifetime and will live on forever. Jazz, Rock ‘N Roll, Grindcore, and Symphonic Death Metal are all still very…
CLEVELAND — Involuntarily celibate churchgoer Donald Bates resolved today that, in observance of Lent, he will abstain from all sexual interaction, changing absolutely nothing about…
Some people know how to get with the times. Others? Not so much. Andy Serrano is a troglodyte of the latter variety. When we asked…
OSLO, Norway — Local black metal frontman “Iscariot” allegedly saw nothing but his own shallow reflection in a Rorschach test administered yesterday by a psychiatrist,…