GENEVA — Scientists at the European Organization for Nuclear Research discovered yesterday that Iron Maiden’s 8:46-long “Brighter Than a Thousand Suns” contains a surprisingly decent…
In our modern romantic landscape, it’s important to have well-defined terminology when it comes to your boundaries. You don’t want some minor issue of yours…
BOSTON — Recently deceased grandmother Anita Reilly’s bereaved found yesterday a trove of family recipes, including one for a beloved, secret family soup that was…
So, here you are. Sitting in a dive bar in some town in Wisconsin. You just ordered your second round of deep-fried cheese curds. You’re…
LOS ANGELES — Local punk Rachel Hacker moved yesterday into Nordhoff house, the surprisingly simple and reasonably-named community house and DIY space located at 29…
WASHINGTON — Sitting President Donald Trump approached the highest court in the United States to demand that votes stop being counted, including an extra request…
TOLEDO, Ohio — The Observer-Gazette, a so-called “legitimate” local newspaper that has “allegedly won multiple prestigious awards,” failed to even do the bare minimum of…
LOS ANGELES — World-renowned documentarian Ken Burns has already completed two episodes of a seven-part series addressing America’s ongoing Second Civil War, sources report. “It…
WASHINGTON — The United States of America utterly failed in its shame-filled attempts today to obscure its bulging, prominent Presidential election, snickering foreign officials reported.…
The election result has been just as big of a surprise to me as it has to everyone else I’m sure. But still, I just…
SEWARD, Neb. — A far-right militia completely failed in their mission to remain vigilant on election day after the entire group became hopelessly lost in…
ABINGTON, Mass. — A local man’s chances of talking to his parents in a civil manner once again is too early to call as a…
CHICAGO — A poll of citizens leaving a nondescript brick building today gave no new information on which to gauge election results, but instead revealed…
WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. — First Lady Melania Trump was apprehended by Florida election officials this morning after being caught furiously stuffing phony ballots for…
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Lifelong Democrat Hunter Matthew Sullivanor asked a ballot station attendee today if they had any larger “I Voted” stickers in the back…