DETROIT — Local man Marty Chambers reported today that he no longer wants to assume any responsibilities tied to his identity, following the recent news…
CHICAGO — A paper wristband used to denote patrons of legal drinking age was applied in an appallingly lackluster fashion during a show last night…
SANTA MONICA, Calif. — An adjunct lecturer of American Studies at Santa Monica City College strongly hinted to his class this morning that he had…
RICHMOND, Va. — Local crust-punk Richard Andre married his roommate Morgan Atwell yesterday in a romantic ceremony in which he passed his contagious ringworm infection…
BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — EMT student Lindsay Taugida set a record yesterday during a class test in reaching 220 beats-per-minute while performing CPR, officials at the…
AMERICA — Parents nationwide went into a frenzy yesterday when a dangerous new party drug swept across their Facebook pages, multiple panicked sources confirmed. The…
CHARLEROI, Pa. — Self-proclaimed digital activist Rich Costen is “totally and happily” unaware that not one of his Facebook friends follows his account on the…
THE INTERNET — A Facebook friend of yours, whom you vaguely recall from high school, couldn’t be more excited to share an exciting, not-at-all predatory…
BOULDER, Colo. — Scientists at the University of Colorado have confirmed that marijuana severely impairs the ability to grasp tasteful interior decoration, according to a…
SEATTLE — Online retail behemoth Amazon will roll out their new “Glory Hole” home subscription service this month in select U.S. cities, representatives confirmed. “Customers…
PHILADELPHIA — Local dog Scraps was completely unable to answer basic trivia questions yesterday about the seminal horror-punk band Misfits, despite wearing the band’s merchandise…
CHICAGO — FBI agents arrested several individuals last night connected to a nationwide drink ticket counterfeiting ring, concluding a year-long, deep cover investigation, officials confirmed.…
BOSTON — Local music patron Claras Deacon called the Boston Police Department last night to report an out-of-place backpack repeatedly smashing into her face and…
MENDOCINO, Calif. — Devout disciples of Jerry Garcia have begun a gradual, reluctant transition from worshipping the original Grateful Dead band leader to following his…
EVANSTON, Ill. — Punk mother Danica Friedman announced she would be distributing a compilation of previously unreleased, rarely tasted Thanksgiving sides this year, family sources…