FLAGSTAFF, Ariz. — Local teenage lifeguard Jeremy Keenum openly wished yesterday that someone at the recreational pool he covers would somehow forget how to swim…
MISSOULA, Mont. — Real-deal, bloodsucking vampire Count Adhemar Chauve-Souris was vehemently dismissed as a poser today by mall goths he was recruiting for his gaggle…
LOS ANGELES — 36-year-old skateboarder Rodney Sanders found himself in a great moral predicament yesterday when he sided with irate property owners after watching various…
SACRAMENTO, Calif. — An episode of the mental health podcast Forgetting Sarah Tonin went unrecorded this week due to technical difficulties, leaving nothing but a…
LOS ANGELES — Punk legend and filmmaker Glenn Danzig’s debut horror film “Verotika” will be available exclusively on Netflix later this month, with a direct-to-”Mystery…
LANGHAM, Saskatchewan — A Beta Cucks show last night at the Langham Legion Hall was interrupted when a windmilling punk was tilted by a mysterious…
MESA, Ariz. — Local man Jeffrey Woodward is running out of good sides of his mouth to chew with, thanks to his lack of dental…
WESTERVILLE, Ohio — Senator Bernie Sanders played a cheap Squier Affinity P-Bass on stage during tonight’s debate for the 2020 Democratic primary election, a move…
WASHINGTON — Pop-punk frontmen from around the country marched in the nation’s capital today advocating for the federal minimum age of consent to be lowered…
ARLINGTON, Va. — Local man Mark Sadler believed a meme he saw today was exactly the kind of thing his ex-girlfriend may potentially enjoy, texting…
MIAMI — Former Vice President Joe Biden, considered by many to be the current frontrunner for the Democratic nomination against President Trump in 2020, was…
CUPERTINO, Calif. — Longtime Apple technical writer Jerry Perrywinkle released a passionate yet long-winded statement today about his 18 years as the author of Apple’s…
WASHINGTON — Distant smoke signals spotted by staff at local gay bar Pitchers earlier today confirmed that the bachelorette party of Becky Cartwright was en…
BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — Local man Dan Traver warned friends this morning that his roommate Will Fu’s tweeting of various Elliott Smith lyrics will likely “…turn…
BOWIE, Md. — The entire staff at Free State Digital deduced today that a general housekeeping email from HR, despite being sent officewide, was really…