Press "Enter" to skip to content

Couple Who Will Fight and Ignore You All Night Insists You Won’t Feel Like Third Wheel

PHILADELPHIA — Your friends Amber Lakely and Kevin Vasquez promised you today that you wouldn’t feel like a third wheel if you join their weekly date night, during which they fully plan on fighting the entire time.

“You have to come out with us,” said Lakely, who will drunkenly confront her boyfriend about his recent texts with his female co-worker like you’re not even there. “Drinks are on us since we accidentally left you at a gas station the last time we hung out. But don’t worry, this time will be so much more fun — me and Kevin are in a great place now, ever since he agreed to quit his band and get a job working with my father.”

Local waiter Logan Miller, who served you and the couple moments ago, took enormous amounts of pity on you as the entire restaurant silently judged the passive-aggressive spectacle.

“[You’ve] been pretending to scroll on [your] phone while that couple screams like a pair of maniacs. Last time I walked by, they were fighting because he finished the latest season of ‘The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel’ without his partner,” said Miller. “Yeah, that’s kind of a dick move, but I don’t think it warrants this much yelling — they haven’t even noticed their friend took four 10-minute bathroom breaks in the past hour.”

Making the night even more uncomfortable, as the night progressed, the couple’s tone shifted to incessant pet names and an excruciatingly awkward amount of physical attention.

“I’ve never seen a couple with such a quick turnaround,” said witness Georgia Kelvy from a nearby table. “One second, they’re yelling at each other about not sharing the same hobbies, and the next they’re the king and queen of PDA.”

“Oh, God… did I just hear them use baby talk?!” she added, while you tried to cover your eyes as they made out on the table. “What a shit show.”

At press time, the couple asked you to split the bill evenly, even though you only ordered water. When reached for comment, they were convinced you had a “blast” and look forward to fighting about their deflating sex life in front of you during tapas next Tuesday.