CHICAGO — Local woman Lilly Choi’s depression has devolved to the point that she has stopped looking behind the shower curtain for murderers before going…
ELMHURST, N.Y. — New York City Sheriff’s deputy Deandra Washington ceremoniously took a knee with the tenants of a local apartment last night before forcing…
LOS ANGELES — Australian commuter Daniel O’Connor spent $17 out of desperation yesterday during a layover at LAX for the worst sandwich he’s reportedly ever…
BLUFFINGTON — Roger Klotz, son of famed monster truck driver Edwina Klotz and former middle school bully, is “a fucking cop now with a gun…
DES MOINES, Iowa — Local activist Kendall Spencer took a stand today against internet commerce titan Amazon by deleting her account and pledging on Facebook…
DAYTON, Ohio — Local romantic Colin Novak finally proposed anal to his longtime girlfriend Amanda Hale yesterday at the couple’s favorite tapas restaurant, in front…
NEW YORK — U.S. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez became the first woman in the history of humankind last week to be encouraged to turn 35, the…
I’ve heard a lot of my fellow Americans question the moral compass and general decency of the fine men and women who serve in our…
Life is meaningless, our world is in flames, and all hope is futile. But just because I’m dead on the inside does not mean I…
WASHINGTON — FBI Agent Raymond Kesler is desperately hoping to avoid assignment to the Bureau’s newly formed TikTok surveillance unit, which would involve following users…
Few people know this but it’s incredibly easy to become a cop. Hell, it’s easier than becoming a middle school gym teacher, but hey, we…
LOS ANGELES — B.C. Rich, a company famous for making electric guitars popular in the heavy metal music scene, will expand into manufacturing classical instruments,…
PHILADELPHIA — An anonymous protestor sporting a distinctive mohawk, dozens of gold chains, and American flag Zubaz pants was spotted yesterday toppling the Rocky Balboa…
DEDHAM, Mass. — Local Star Market employee Jimmy West will no longer be applauded for his brave commitment to serving the community following the discovery…
A young man came up to me while I was golfing yesterday, and said, “Mr. Trump, your Nazi socialist secret police force is,” blah blah…