Page 2 – HARDTIMES

January 1, 2022

BUFFALO, N.Y. — A decrepit pair of jeans shook themselves fiercely in an attempt to rip themselves free of a…

July 19, 2021

PORTLAND, Ore. — Doom metal veterans Flaccid Obelisk is selling coupons for a full vehicle inspection with a complimentary oil…

May 11, 2021

CHICAGO — Local man and self-proclaimed foodie Harry Blanks unhinged his jaw like a Burmese Python in order to take…

February 13, 2021

FAYETTEVILLE, Ark. — Aging punk and generally anxious person in a Misfits T-shirt Hollie Wallace parked super far away from…

January 10, 2021

BROOKLYN — Local stoner metalhead Graham Wyatt overslept this morning after a night of drinking and weed smoking, which caused…

January 7, 2021

TAMPA, Fla. — Local punk Toni “Skwerm” Malloy was disappointed to find out yesterday that she only budgeted enough for…

December 25, 2020

CHEEKTOWAGA, N.Y. — Local dad Steven Vuong interrupted a heartfelt conversation early yesterday evening to let family members know he…

November 29, 2020

RICHMOND, Va. — Local metalhead Kevin Miller turned the volume down on his amp from 11 to 10 earlier this…

August 26, 2020

LOS ANGELES — Legendary metal band Goop has reunited after seven years apart to release a boring, flavorless craft beer…

August 25, 2020

Every day I see the mailman and I am transfixed. Every day I imagine the sound of empty bottles clinking…