Customers can be a little adorably obtuse sometimes. They love to ask questions that are already answered by posted signs, saying “must be free” when…
DETROIT — Local woman and anxiety-haver Amanda Hamilton was spotted yesterday weighing all possible options for her evening plans before ultimately deciding to do nothing…
DETROIT — Local pothead Sarah Murphy’s distress after encountering a spoiler of a movie she planned on seeing was immediately relieved after she forgot what…
BISBEE, Ariz. — Self-proclaimed punk sommelier and admitted problem-drinker Tegan Nixon strongly recommended that wine drinkers avoid Franzia made after 2015, “unless they wanna look…
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Married couple Dave and Sarah Dyer allegedly conceived and birthed a newborn child on purpose within the last year, subsequently horrifying…
TACOMA, Wash. — Newlyweds Jane and Dalton Davis opted not to travel home for Thanksgiving, choosing instead to host a “Friendsgiving” and incidentally ensuring they’d…
These days it’s no secret that self-care is of the utmost importance. Recently, there’s been a lot of talk about removing toxic people from your…
DETROIT — Local punk Leslie Knight is currently trapped in what she thought was going to be a friendly “hello” with a guy whose hug…
DENVER — Local retail worker Carson Patterson earned himself a luxurious, three-minute paid vacation for Labor Day by faking a shit-break, awe-inspired sources confirm. “It…
PHOENIX — Local 30-year-old Arun Sharma tested today whether or not he can use expletives in front of his parents, as he’s still unsure if…
SPRINGVILLE, Ind. — Renowned Juggalo patriarch Killa Koppafield reportedly knows over 1,000 uses for the various flavors of Faygo, mystified sources confirmed. “You see my…
LOS ANGELES — Professional amateur rude boy Devin Taft is confident he’ll nail his “perfect” moves for his upcoming “Dancing with the Stars” audition, unsurprised…
TOLEDO, Ohio — 28-year-old Sammy Warner was shocked last week when attending her 10-year high school reunion by how much her former classmates have aged,…
MINNEAPOLIS — Former members of the band The Replacements were mortified to learn this morning, upon finally sobering up after decades of heavy drinking, that…
Heart palpitations. Cold sweats. “Why is no one listening to me?” I wondered to myself, rifling through a mental rolodex of every interaction I’d had…