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Juggalo Elder Knows Over 1,000 Uses for Faygo

SPRINGVILLE, Ind. — Renowned Juggalo patriarch Killa Koppafield reportedly knows over 1,000 uses for the various flavors of Faygo, mystified sources confirmed.

“You see my ninja, each flavor of Faygo has its own dope-ass uses and properties,” said Koppafield. “Say you’ve got a rash on your popsicle because your Juggalette had little bump dump — Rock & Rye will take care of that in a flash, homie. For the ladies out there, maybe your cotton candy isn’t as fresh as you want it, Fruit Punch will take care of ya all day. And of course, it’s been known for many Juggalo generations that Moon Mist brings luck and prosperity. Skrilla refill-a! Whoop whoop!”

Many younger Juggalos are reportedly unaware of the various uses of the popular soft drink brand manufactured in Detroit until they encounter the enigmatic Koppafield.

“Oh dude, Killa’s shit is hella fresh! ”said Max Heir, 19. “I had a major incident at my first Gathering. Got a little overeager with the hatchet and gashed my thigh up so bad it looked like a cherry pie. Anyway, the EMTs said I might need a blood transfusion. Killa popped outta nowhere and just spat a shitload of Redpop at me. Good as new! I’ve got fuckin’ mad ‘lo love for Killa for life.”

Juggalo historian Thuggalo Shemp alleged that Insane Clown Posse members Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J have interwoven Faygo into their discography not for its local production, but for its medicinal and practical values.

“ICP is very much aware of the many uses for Faygo, including healing properties,” said Shemp. “Shaggy and Violent J have referenced Faygo so many times throughout the years not just because of its ties to their Michigan roots, but because they’re trying to take care of their family — their Juggalo family, that is. Whoop whoop!”

At press time, Koppafield was seen fishing all 52 varieties of Faygo out of his JNCO jeans in an effort to reanimate a Juggalo corpse.

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