Here Are Some Bass Tips if You Haven’t Yet Figured Out That You Can Just Play Anything

Posted on by Steve Packosky

The bass guitar can be astonishingly difficult and rewarding if you want to learn how to play it correctly, but why would you want to do that? Sure, you can take the time to develop an actual skill with the instrument after years of lessons from an accomplished instructor, but to what end? Seriously, just pick it up, join a band, and play anything. We guarantee you’ll get away with it. Still determined to master it? Fine, whatever. Here are five tips to help you do that, weirdo.

  1. Pay attention to your right hand’s positioning.

If your right hand is placed over the bridge, the notes will have a tighter sound to them, whereas if it’s closer to the fretboard, they’ll be richer and fuller but a little less precise. Knowing the right times to position your hand will give your songs much more texture if, like, Victor Wooten is listening, but nobody else will give a shit. Go ahead and store this information in your brain, but honestly, just hit any note while your bandmates do their thing. We promise you they won’t notice either way.

  1. Learn basic fingerstyle technique.

Ugh, please don’t tell us you’re going to do this, dude. Just use a fucking pick. Really? You want to learn fingerstyle? Alright, well, plant your thumb on the pickup and alternate plucking the strings with your index and middle fingers. To be perfectly candid, though, you’re wasting our time as much as your own by having us teach you this, and we’re starting to get a little aggravated.

  1. Tap your foot along to the drums as you play.

Yeah, go ahead and do this if you want to learn to stay in time and ensure your band has a dynamic and cohesive rhythm section, or you can do it if you want to just make it look like that’s your endgame. We advocate for the latter. Remember, appearance is everything here, because, and we can’t stress this enough, it does NOT matter what you play.

  1. Learn music theory.

No, no, no, no. Alright, do us a favor. During the first song of your band’s next practice, we want you to just mime like you’re playing your bass. Don’t play a single note. We’ll bet every dollar in our bank accounts that they won’t notice a goddamn thing. Knowing this, you’re still going to tell us that you want to read a bunch of sheet music? Fucking nerd.

  1. Develop your signature sound.

We actually laughed out loud while typing that. Sure, waste your money on a good effects pedal with a compressor, equalizer, and overdrive, or don’t, and achieve effectively the same results, only then you can buy yourself a Switch 2 or something. We’re just making recommendations, though. It’s your money.

Continuity Errors Ruining Porn Scene for Letterboxd User

Posted on by Frederick O'Brien

BOSTON — Undergraduate film student and frequent Letterboxd user Barry Cospin had his afternoon ruined after noticing a slew of continuity errors in an otherwise perfectly good porn film he was watching, confirmed sources.

“It’s just amateurish,” said Cospin while giving a handful of two-star reviews on Letterboxd. “You of course allow for some suspension of disbelief given the genre but the mistakes here are unforgivable. The time on the clock in the headmaster’s office jumps all over the place. In one shot Elaine Knockers is wearing stockings and in the next they’re gone. It totally breaks the immersion. Stellar performances by Ms. Knockers and the ever-reliable Tom Schlong are let down by the production team.”

Members of the production hit back at Cospin’s comments, calling them overly critical and damaging to smut cinema.

“People don’t appreciate the work that goes into making a film. ‘Bad, Bad Girl’ had been in production hell for years before we took it on, because we believed in what it was trying to say,” said director Sly V. Oyeur. “We put our blood, sweat, tears, and several other bodily fluids into this work. Any schmuck can write a bad review but believe you me they wouldn’t last a day in my shoes. I’ve seen things you wouldn’t believe. No really. It isn’t easy on set, especially with the writers’ strike going on for as long as the industry has existed.”

Representatives of the Porn Writers Guild of America noted that this is what happens when you don’t compensate workers properly.

“It’s all fun and games when clothes are a-flying and desks are a-thumping but the reality is you can’t cut corners in this business and expect to get away with it,” said industry veteran Polly Whirl. “Fans are smart, and the eagle-eyed ones will catch the tiniest inconsistencies. That’s why you need top quality continuity directors on set and experienced editors behind the scenes. Otherwise you wind up with garbage like this. The horndog public deserves better.”

At press time, Cospin submitted his Letterboxd review and moved on to OnlyFans in search of more independent filmmaking.

How to Speedrun Your Panic Attack With Cold Brew and Old Weed

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

Alright, my panicked pals, LOCK IN because it’s time to learn a panic attack hack that your therapist and psychiatrist don’t want you to know. Do they have valid reasons because it’s probably bad for your mental health in the long run and also medically inadvisable? Sure, but we’re not living in some utopia where we can actually get our prescriptions filled in a timely manner and breathing techniques actually work because the worst thing about our day is some light traffic. We live in a world of death and destruction, and that sometimes calls for the Send It option. I’m going to teach you how to speedrun your panic attack using cold brew and old weed so you can get it over and done with in time for Love Island.

Listen, we’d all love it if there were some quick hack for actually stopping a panic attack other than a big ass Xanax, but whether CVS rudely told you it’s too soon to refill your prescription or you’re off it because you were way too on it, chamomile and breathwork aren’t cutting it. Sometimes the best bet is to just go max anxiety to get it over with faster.

You’re going to want the most concentrated cold brew you can find with no ice and no sugar. The goal is not enjoyability; it’s to make yourself have so much anxiety you circle back around to not caring. Next, you’re going to find some old weed you forgot was in the back of your nightstand. No, don’t use the fresh shit you just picked up. That’s for your ‘me time’ later. Right now, we’re trying to knock on the door of mild psychosis. Chug the cold brew, light up the old weed, and pull up “Clown Quartet” on YouTube for good measure. Sure, you increase your risk of a heart attack, but technically that would also bring relief.

You’ve got this. You’ll be so anxious you transcend space and time and enter The Blissful Unknowing in no time.

Best of luck, and please do not blame me if you end up in the hospital.

Metallica Finally Track Down and Sue the Bootlegger Who Sold Beavis His Shirt

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LOS ANGELES — Heavy metal band Metallica proudly announced that they have finally tracked down and sued the bootlegger who sold Beavis from “Beavis and Butt-Head” his signature blue shirt, disgusted sources report.

“It took over three decades, but we finally found the bastard,” said drummer Lars Ulrich. “I can’t tell you how much of a relief it was for me after all those years of seeing Beavis wearing a shirt I knew he did not obtain through legitimate means. Trust me, I sign off on every single t-shirt, jigsaw puzzle, pinball machine, and bottle of whiskey with the Metallica name on it, and we’ve never sold that item that Beavis has been wearing so brazenly while watching music videos from his couch. Rest easy that this selfish bootlegger who took money out of my pocket back in 1992 won’t be able to harm any more musicians.”

Highland, Texas resident bootlegger Harold Butler was distraught over the lawsuit.

“How am I going to make a living now?” Butler despaired as he read the cease and desist letter. “I’ve been selling bootleg Metallica, AC/DC, and Winger shirts since the early ‘90s, and the Metallica ones have composed 80% of my business. Nobody’s even purchased a Winger shirt in decades. I really should’ve known better than to think I could get away with selling fake Metallica shirts, but I thought living in an animated universe would keep me safe from those guys. They’ll sue anything that moves, though, so I suppose I got what I deserved.”

Sandra Ng, professor of law at University of Pittsburgh, weighed in on the situation.

“Most bands wouldn’t stoop so low as to sue a cartoon character, but come on, we’re talking about Metallica here,” Ng noted. “One only needs to listen to any of the albums they’ve put out in the past 30 years to understand that they have absolutely no shame. Honestly, I’m surprised Beavis continued to wear that shirt after the band released ‘Load,’ but then again, he doesn’t appear to listen to much music outside of the videos he watches with Butt-Head. Anyway, they’re so litigious that anyone who rips them off is at risk of legal action, regardless of whether they inhabit a fictional universe, so be warned.”

At press time, Metallica’s legal team had garnished all of Beavis’ Burger World wages until he stopped wearing the shirt.

The Five Most Delicious Venison Dishes I Made Out of That Antlered Kid From the Fall Out Boy Music Video

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Alright, I hope you’re hungry, because I went out hunting yesterday and put a Federal Premium 12-gauge 2 ¾ inch Magnum 00 Buck right between the eyes of this curious-looking fucker with big antlers. Caught a lot of shit from this girl near him, too. She was kneeling down near him and wailing about how I’m a “total monster” who “murdered her boyfriend” or something. Really put up a fuss while I hauled the carcass into my trunk, too, but whatever. She’ll be changing her tune once she tries one of these delicious venison dishes I prepared after cleaning and dressing him.

  1. Venison Stroganoff

The trick here was in cutting the meat into really thin strips before popping it into the slow cooker. It took a while, but was really worth it, and those egg noodles really brought out the kid’s natural flavors. You might give me flak for shooting him while he was strolling on a residential sidewalk, but I think that’s a bunch of beans. A deer’s a deer.

  1. Venison Pozole Rojo

I made full use of the neck on this one, and yeah, come to think of it, the lack of fur was kind of disconcerting. Weird things have been happening in this town since that train derailed and spilled all that ethanol in the creek, though, so maybe that’s it? Eh, I’m not going to lose sleep over it. The red chiles really gave this dish a delectable little kick.

  1. Venison Gyros

Yeah, now that you mention it, it was strange that this particular buck was bi-pedal. I’ve been hunting for over thirty years, and admittedly have never seen that before. I took an ethical shot though. Shouldn’t that count for something? Anyway, try these gyros I made from its rear portions. They’re really something, aren’t they?

  1. Venezuelan-Style Venison Tamales

I know these are more appropriate for fall or winter, but I just couldn’t resist the urge to make them from those great-looking shanks. Oh, you’re asking about the sweater and blue jeans this deer was wearing? I burned those. They seemed kind of extraneous, and I didn’t want them affecting the taste of the meat. Why are you looking at me like that?

  1. Fried Venison Backstrap with Currant Jam

Yes, the currant jam is homemade, too! Fried cornmeal with venison is such an underrated combination, and—wait, why are the cops here? Do you think they heard how good my venison cooking skills are, and they came to sample some for themselves? That’s probably it. I’ll go answer the door.

Woman on Boyfriend’s Shoulders Really Fucking Everyone Up in Pit

Posted on by Bobby Korec

MODESTO, Calif. — A local woman on her boyfriend’s shoulders was really wreaking havoc in the pit at a recent punk show, confirmed primarily unconscious sources. 

“Someone is really going to get hurt in here,” said mosher Vinny Frederick while tending to his fractured jaw. “I guess when someone’s feet are dangling that close to Adam’s apple level it can really do some serious damage. Spin kicks, roundhouses, and windmills are feeble compared to this man-woman amalgamation, who was nothing but a violent 10-foot-tall tornado of swinging appendages. I saw one guy passed out in a pool of his own blood. Another guy lost several teeth on a single kick. Oh, and someone else was brutally murdered as a result, but that’s actually pretty standard in the pit, so no harm, no foul there.” 

Gwendolyn Herman, the woman in question, didn’t quite see the unfair advantage she had.

“It’s not my fault I tower above the pit shorties,” said Herman while hopping down from her boyfriend’s shoulders as if she were dismounting a horse. “Turns out, some people in the pit had a real problem when I stood atop Craig’s shoulders and dove feet first directly into the back of some guy’s head. Or when Craig spun us around with his fists and my legs flailing about, like the Tasmanian Devil. Did 911 really have to be called? Sure, but mainly because of all the blood and broken bones. Let’s be real, there’s nothing that says I can’t do this.”

Experts were quick to check the pit etiquette rulebook on the matter.  

“All’s fair in love and moshing,” said Timothy “Shred Cakes” Baker. “For instance, crowdkilling is highly frowned upon, but not against pit policy. Brass knuckles are also legal in the pit, just not in every state, so check your local government regulations before equipping yourself at a show. Baseball bats, chainsaws, and semi-automatic weapons can also be good fun in the pit. But a woman on her boyfriend’s shoulders? It’s a tough call, but I’ll allow it.”  

At press time, things got even more savage when it was revealed that the couple was polyamorous and another woman got atop Herman’s shoulders, who was still very much on her boyfriend’s shoulders in the pit.

If I Had a Time Machine I Would Go Back to WWII, Find Hitler, and Perform “Ice Ice Baby” – guest post by Vanilla Ice 

Posted on by Kyle Donley

A lot of motherfuckers got something to say about me performing at the Freedom 250 concert, so I’m here to set the record straight once and for all. Unlike treasonous snakes such as Bret Michaels and Young MC and Martina McBride and Morris Day and all of the Commodores and the second C from C+C Music Factory, I love our country and am honored to represent it the best way I know how – by performing “Ice Ice Baby”.

Let me be clear, I am not a political person. I’m an “Ice Ice Baby” person. Did I vote for Trump in the past 3 elections? Yes. Do I condone everything he has done in office? Yes. Am I only performing because Trump asked me to? Hell no! I’m performing because Trump is the only person in the last 20 years to ask me to perform anything other than a home inspection. Simply put, I’ll play for anyone who has an appreciation for early ‘90s rap with pop crossover appeal, whether it be an intimate performance in Dennis Kucinch’s living room or at the Nuremberg Opera House for Adolf Hitler himself!  

Calm down, snowflakes! Let me finish! I would also fully perform for the Jews at Auschwitz! That’s what people don’t seem to understand: “Ice Ice Baby” is for everyone. Whether you’re starving, wearing striped pajamas, or committing genocide with the homies, your ass will be dancing at a Vanilla Ice show. Whether or not I personally believe in ethnic cleansing is totally irrelevant. If Hitler wants to get funky, who am I to not perform “Ice Ice Baby” for him? I would actually consider it a war crime against me if I didn’t.

Look, this is what I do. Or what I did, I guess, before I started flipping houses. If you want someone to do the Holocaust, you go to Hitler. If you want someone to perform “Ice Ice Baby”, you come see me. Everyone’s always saying if they had a time machine they’d go back and kill Hitler. But me? I’m a man of peace. I’ll perform “Ice Ice Baby” and maybe even the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze song for the prosperity of the Third Reich, but it’s got nothing to do with politics. And everything to do with heart.

Who knows, maybe Hitler would even come back with me in my time machine, and I could show him how we get down in Florida! Take him out four-wheeling, get his ass laid, chill poolside at Mar-A-Lago. Shit, we could have him give a speech at the Freedom 250 concert, y’all know he was a great orator! And see y’all wanted to kill this man when all he needed was for me to perform “Ice Ice Baby” at him. But as I said, everyone just needs to “collaborate and listen” instead of “spreading hate and friction”. Peace!

Help! Andrew WK Told Me My Bloody Nose Pics Aren’t Metal Because I Dropped My iPad on My Face Reading a Cozy Mystery Ebook

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

Ever since I was a kid, I yearned for the effortless coolness of the I Get Wet album cover. Sure, it’s just a picture of a man with a bloody nose, but Andrew W.K., the bloodied man in question, looks so nonchalant you can’t help but think, “Damn. I wish I were that cool.” That’s why I was so excited the other day when I finally had my own I Get Wet moment. I was in bed at 9 P.M. reading a cozy mystery eBook like usual when suddenly my iPad slipped from my grasp and clocked me right in the nose. Once I felt the blood dripping down my upper lip, I knew what to do. I picked that iPad right back up, took a selfie, and posted for all to see with the caption “I Get Wet reading Agatha Christie.” I was even feeling bold enough to tag Andrew.

I think I look pretty fucking rock n’ roll in that picture, but according to Andrew Fetterly Wilkes-Krier, it doesn’t count if you’re a bibliophile.

He immediately commented, “Nice jammies, nerd. Forget your nightcap, Agatha? LOL.”

I cried straight into my bloodstains.

But then I thought about it and decided I shouldn’t let some illiterate man tell me I’m a nerd, no matter how cool and sexy and buff with beautiful hair he is.

I would argue that hovering a 1.5-pound slab of metal over your face every night is more metal than punching yourself for an album cover, Mr. W.K.

Further, and more importantly, I decided knowing yourself well enough to have your wind-down routine figured out feels pretty badass to me. I mean, sure, I guess it was pretty cool in my ‘20s when I would stay at bars until 3 AM and go home with an ex and then Uber to work in the morning, looking like what comes out of the shower drain. Damn, I kind of miss those times…but anyway, I was also in pain and tired all the time. And now that I have my sleep schedule on lock, well, I’m still in pain and tired because I’m older now, but like it could be much, much worse.

Now, off to bed with my next cozy mystery and a new stand for my iPad.

Inflation Impacting Food Baby Rates

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

HYATTSVILLE, Md. — Higher than ever inflation rates have reached a point where they are now markedly impacting food baby rates, experts confirmed.

“We’re used to tracking things like death and birth rates, but with the economy where it is right now, we’re in completely new territory,” explained Josh Stone from the National Center for Health Statistics. “As inflation has just continued to go up and food prices have risen, we’ve been seeing more and more instances of couples and single people alike forgoing a life of food baby parenthood. They’re really missing out on the joys of raising a food baby. It’s so concerning, we’ve had to create a whole new branch just to track food baby rates. That branch makes up 35% of our annual budget.”

Food baby-free couples everywhere reacted to this news.

“I’m not at all surprised to hear that they’ve finally confirmed what we’ve been seeing with our own eyes for the past 10 years,” shared Jocelyn Miller. “None of our friends have food babies anymore. It’s become so normalized. My husband and I used to be able to enjoy going to Chipotle and spending $10 for a burrito that would give us one healthy food baby. We could even afford twins on date night. It’s crazy that we’re supposed to just be okay with this. It’s not the lifestyle we were raised to expect.”

Sarah Thomas, an acclaimed Economic Sociologist, shared an expert take on what this trend means for the population.

“This is another concerning trend we’ve been tracking amidst worsening inflation and job loss,” said Thomas. “I’m surprised but glad to see government agencies are finally recognizing it for the issue that it is. We’ve had our eyes on food baby trends for a while. Things in the ‘90s were so good, even kids were having food babies. Social trends change all the time based on the economy, so it made sense when the trend shifted a little so that only parents were having food babies. But now? Only the ultra-rich have the ability. It’s not right. The average American should be able to eat an entire pizza, become food baby pregnant that night, and then give birth to a healthy pizza baby first thing in the morning.”

At press time, government officials announced they are setting up a task force to get to the bottom of this crisis, and they assured the public it will place blame on citizens.

Goddamnit: New Friend Just Referred to COVID-19 Vaccine as “The Jab”

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Ugh, of fucking course. You can’t just make a nice, normal friend, can you? As if meeting new people in your thirties isn’t difficult enough on its own, you have to go ahead and attract every dipshit the right-wing ecosystem has deemed fit to create and shoot in your direction. Case in point: Andrew, the ostensibly cool dude you met at the Testament show last week, just referred to the COVID-19 vaccine as “the jab”.

Goddamnit. Maybe he just casually refers to them as such for no reason in particular? Hmmm, highly unlikely. It’s doubtful that there’s a single recorded case in all of human history of someone who’s not a gullible, anti-vax idiot unironically using that phrase. Plus, he just tossed it out while you two were discussing how your favorite metal venue started hosting shows again at the tail-end of the pandemic. To quote him directly: “I really wanted to go to the Cattle Decapitation show back in 2021, but you needed to have gotten ‘the jab’ to get in”. There’s really no way around it.

But fuck, man, he seemed really cool, otherwise. You both talked to some dude at the show last week wearing that Municipal Waste shirt with a picture of Trump blowing his brains out, and he didn’t seem bothered at all by that, so you just kind of assumed he was liberal or, at the very least, completely apolitical. Maybe he’s just a really big Jenny McCarthy fan, or something? Is there a way to casually mention to him that extensive clinical trials and ongoing monitoring of hundreds of millions of cases proved, without a doubt, that the COVID-19 vaccine is extremely safe and effective, and serious adverse effects were so rare as to be completely diminished by the risk of worse issues caused by the disease itself? No, too late. The conversation has already switched to whether the Pirates have what it takes to make the playoffs. And yeah, Brandon Lowe’s contract should definitely be extended. Fuck.

Alright, better just let it slide, unless a new red flag shows itself. It is his body, after all, and it’s not like your friendship is based on epidemiology. There are myriad topics you two see eye-to-eye on, so maybe focus on those. Just be on the lookout for any other sketchy comments.

Oof, he just said that it’s a good thing we attacked Iran, and these high gas prices are a small price to pay for the peace of mind that comes with attacking the world’s largest state sponsor of terrorism. Maybe it’s time to find another friend. 

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