You know Snoopy, the universally beloved figure from everyone’s childhood who brings joy and whimsy to all. Well, think again! This bastard loves flaunting his disregard for income inequality, and frankly, I’m tired of pretending otherwise.
The scene is familiar: a well-kept lawn, a white picket fence, a large, sturdy dog house, and on top of that house, a cute cartoon beagle. But is it cute? Is it? I ask you this: is it fair that you can barely afford a studio apartment in the shittiest part of town, and this asshole has an entire house but leaves it empty to sleep on top of it as some grotesque performance of eccentricity? No! Snoopy should pick up a newspaper and read the business section as well as the fucking room. It’s not the 1950’s anymore, Snoop. Families aren’t buying houses on one unfaithful man’s salary. The people are struggling. You’d think a dog who grew up in the foster care system playing bottles and jugs for a buck would be more understanding of the working-class struggle, but I guess he really changed once he joined the Peanuts gang.
Listen, I’m not unreasonable. I understand you have to make your living situation work for you. If he were stuck with a dilapidated house he couldn’t afford to work on, I’d understand. But it’s clear that that’s not the case.
He decorates for the seasons and holidays with a fervor that sparks ferocious envy in the hearts of suburban fathers with nothing else going on. This shows he not only cares about the state of the house, but that he can afford frequent upkeep and renovations.
He’s hoarding a perfectly suitable dwelling and just keeping it empty for no goddamn reason. He’s basically the dog equivalent of corporate landlords leaving a unit empty to keep both demand and rent high.
I think at this point it’s pretty clear there’s only one thing left for us to do: beat him to within an inch of his life with a rolled-up newspaper. Preferably, one with a piece about the housing crisis on the front page.
