Landlord Has Tip Jar

Posted on by Steve Packosky

NEW YORK — Landlord Ronald Fastings had a tip jar on display in his office at Z&O Real Estate Holdings, disgusted witnesses report.

“Yeah, I’ll stop by places like Jersey Mike’s and Starbucks while I’m out, and I see their employees all have tip jars,” said Fastings. “So I figured, why not me? You don’t really understand how bad us landlords actually have it, so a little tip here and there definitely wouldn’t hurt. I’m only taking in about $40,000 in gross profit from my rental properties every month, and I need to be able to make the payments on the second vacation home I just got. People have been saying landlords are the bad guys, but I’m just like everybody else, you know? I’m only trying to get by and live life one day at a time. A 20% tip from my ungrateful tenants every month would sure go a long way.”

Tenant Ty Greenwich was shocked and repulsed by the tip jar.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Greenwich uttered while shaking his head. “I’ve had like, seven maintenance requests out over the past few months that Ron hasn’t even looked at, and he’s expecting me to tip him when I hand him my monthly check? The monthly check that, mind you, went up by $500 a month at the beginning of the year? It’s not like he doesn’t have the time, because he just contracts out all his maintenance anyway. Every time I see him he’s just sitting around texting on his phone, so I’m not sure what the issue is preventing him from using the tiniest percentage of his monthly surplus to get my fucking heat fixed.”

This is all part of a trend that labor economist Javier Torres has been observing.

“We’ve all seen workers in the service industry leave out tip jars to fill in the gap of what their employers obviously should be paying them,” Torres said. “This is just yet another symptom of the late-stage capitalistic hell we’re all living through. However, there have also been recent cases of shitty, worthless professions requesting tips, from repossession agents to school loan servicers. People can at least feel good about tipping these people absolutely nothing. After all, we have to take the small wins whenever we can in these trying times.”

At press time, Fastings announced that he will also accept tips in crypto.

Opinion: I Know We’re Living in a Terrifying Fascist Hellscape, but I Really Need That Pitch Deck by Noon

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Hey pal, first off, I really want to thank you for finding the bandwidth to sit down with us. I know you’ve already got a lot on your plate with Q2 just around the corner, but I was concerned when I heard Steve from Marketing saw you crying while eating your lunch in the bathroom.

I truly get it. The fact that our own government is dismantling the freedoms I’ve taken for granted, while simultaneously threatening World War III for dubious reasons, would send anyone into a mental health crisis. And yet, as terrifying as this fascist hellscape we’re all being forced to endure is, I really need you to submit that pitch deck by noon.

I know it’s hard to think about work at a time like this, especially when it feels like everything you’ve worked towards in your life has been rendered meaningless in the blink of an eye by sadistic oligarchs, but with an impressive and exciting enough presentation, you can convince those guys throw a few bucks our way so we can keep the lights on.

Think of the project as a nice little vacation from the horrors of watching people get shot and abused by masked men every time you open up social media. I want you to feel like this office is a safe space where you can work towards meeting those 10% annual growth metrics. And trust us, once you hit ‘send’ on that pitch deck you’ve been struggling to finish, you’ll forget all about the mass generational trauma being inflicted.

And as much as I wish I could give you the time and space to take to the streets and protest for your right to exist, you did agree to the mandatory RTO agreement, so you need to be in the office for a minimum of 32 hours a week. Just go ahead and use that Canva license of yours, which I paid for, mind you, and really make that pitch deck sparkle.

Good lord, what the hell am I saying? Here I am blabbering about the end times while you have less than three hours until the deadline! Listen, I’ll make you a deal. If you finish this project on time, you can take a half day the next time you’re rendered catatonic over the government sleepwalking into the next mass casualty pandemic.

Now go do your thing or I’ll replace you with AI!

McDonald’s Introduces the Filet-O-Silverfish To Avoid Seafood Tariffs

Posted on by Steve Packosky

CHICAGO — American multinational fast food chain McDonald’s revealed the new Filet-O-Silverfish, a sandwich developed in order to circumvent crippling seafood tariffs imposed by the Trump administration.

“McDonald’s is proud to announce the Filet-O-Silverfish,” said CEO Chris Kempczinski. “This tasty addition to our menu comprises dozens of plump, juicy silverfish scrounged from the floor of each location’s bathroom, coated in our signature batter, and fried to a crispy, golden brown before being topped with our creamy tartar sauce and served on a sesame seed bun. I know how much our customers love our Filet-O-Fish, and there’s no doubt in my mind that they will find a new favorite with this item. Pair this with our one-of-a-kind fries, which will likely be fried in beef tallow before the end of the year, and you’ll find yourself saying ‘I’m lovin’ it!’”

Customer Rod Carrington was hesitant to try the new sandwich.

“I love McDonald’s, man, but that thing looks…off,” Carrington pondered while looking at a picture of the Filet-O-Silverfish. “I just don’t know if frying a silverfish makes it any more appetizing. I used to see those things on the floor of my apartment when I was in college, and they did not look like something I would want to eat. I understand they don’t want to pay tariffs on seafood, but isn’t there anything else they could do to get around them? I knew Western society was going to have to make the pivot to eating bugs at some point in my lifetime, but I didn’t know it was going to happen so quickly, and I certainly didn’t expect it would be 100% Donald Trump’s fault. I’m really starting to regret voting for him three times.”

Economist Sandra Vasquez weighed in on the situation.

“It’s not uncommon for fast food restaurants to switch to unpalatable dishes for cost-cutting reasons,” Vasquez said. “However, I’ve been observing this happening much more rapidly with these new tariffs acting as a completely unnecessary punitive measure against American citizens. It’s actually quite remarkable, strictly from an economic analysis perspective. For example, Wendy’s now uses grass clippings from outside its buildings in lieu of lettuce for its salads, and Hardee’s burgers are now made with meat from stray cats instead of beef, although I’m not aware of any customers complaining about the latter change.”

At press time, Donald Trump cited the Filet-O-Silverfish as the latest accomplishment of his presidency.

Safe Space: This Support Group Helps Men In Their 40s Accept That They’ll Never Host MST3K

Posted on by James Knapp

Every man — literally every single male-identifying person on God’s green earth — has at some point in their life fantasized about being the host of the marginally recognizable cable program Mystery Science Theater 3000. But fortunately, every man is an idiot, and very few of them actually go on to achieve that goal.

Unfortunately, though, once these MST3K hopefuls reach a certain age, they have to cope with the fact that they will never make their living mocking relentlessly awful movies and, in fact, are already late for their weekend shift at Home Depot.

That’s why this new support group, Mystery Science Failure 40something, helps these men, these dumb, dumb men, finally grapple with the fact that they’re not actually funny, they were just drunk while watching Comedy Central in the 90s.

The program is simple and modeled after the same program that cardiac surgeons use with fentanyl survivors. Men — dumb, unfunny men — come into the support group with a whole lot of hope and unearned confidence, somehow believing that they deserve to spend all day making jokes with some robot friends in a space prison. Then they’re pumped full of morphine, rolled into a room with a bunch of other 43-year-olds, where they’re allowed to babble and babble riffs until it’s all out of their system.

Also, a constant loop of “Mac & Me” is playing in the room. It’s universally bad enough to make sure we get all the attempted humor out of their systems.

After that, the men are free to leave. Back to their suburban homes, and however many kids and ex-wives they have. Completely free of their dumb, unfathomably unachievable dreams. It’s for their own good, and they learn something. 

They learn that it takes more to be the host of a tertiarily understood cult TV show like MST3K than just being the weird kid in middle school who got laughs eating centipedes. It takes real ambition, discipline, and not being so old that you no longer have your original kneecaps. And when they leave, they’re ultimately all the better for it. Probably. The group doesn’t actually check back in on them, unlike fentanyl survivors.

Icy Sidewalk Causing Involuntary Skanking

Posted on by Anna Walsh

SOMERVILLE, Mass. — Several winter storms and record low temps are causing city sidewalks to be nearly impassable by pedestrians without flailing in a way that uniquely mimics skanking, those regrettably familiar with the dance report. 

“My trusty Bean Boots usually glide over any winter terrain as smooth as my putt on the 18th hole, but something about the ice this year makes me two-step and swing my arms. I can’t stress enough how much I do not want to be doing this,” software engineer Brendan Ricci explained, huffing from the cardiac effort of three blocks of skanking. “I remember the third wave of ska because I used to relentlessly bully kids who liked it. I have a lot of regrets, but I stand by the fact that they deserved it. No one should get that much joy from a dance that risks punching or kicking anyone within 10 feet.” 

Enid Alvaro, an elderly resident of the neighborhood for over 30 years, expressed grave concern for pedestrians and drivers alike. 

“I won’t even go outside, it’s so slippery. I don’t drive, but it seems like even the roads are bad, because I keep hearing honking that sounds like an entire brass section,” 83-year-old resident Alvaro lamented over the distant melody of Goldfinger’s “Superman” clearly coming from the floor below. “But the sidewalks are the real problem. My downstairs neighbor kept saying ‘Pick it up, pick it up,’ which I thought was strange because if anything, putting down rock salt would be the smart thing to do. I’m particularly concerned about him falling because he only wears a vest and plaid shorts, no matter the weather!”

Harvey Colvin, Alvaro’s downstairs neighbor, had a lot of skanking knowledge to impart. 

“It makes total sense to me that this is happening. The Neanderthals, who if you recall, lived through the Ice Age, were some of the earliest skankers. Speedily switching from one foot to the other gets you across ice more efficiently and looks so much cooler. The human body wants to skank,” Colvin explained between rips of a black and white checkered vape. “It’ll do all these people a world of good to skank a little each day for the six weeks it’ll take this ice to melt. I hope some will become converts and join the scene. The fifth wave is coming!”

At the time of publication, a group of people were seen forming a skanking circle to get across an intersection. 

Trump Offers Ambassadorship Position to Security Guard Who Licks Sarah Connor’s Face in ‘Terminator 2: Judgment Day’

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LOS ANGELES — President Donald Trump offered the position of Ambassador to Paraguay to Douglas Smith, the security guard seen licking Sarah Connor’s face as she lay strapped to a bed in 1992’s “Terminator 2: Judgment Day,” disgusted sources report.

“This man clearly embodies everything MAGA stands for,” said Trump. “And he’s a great man. A big, strong man. You know, we don’t really see big, strong men like him anymore. It’s a shame, really, because you can see how much he cares for women, and people have come up to me, saying they love how he cares for women, and now he’s the ambassador to Paraguay, which is nice. You know we never got that with Biden or Barack Hussein Obama, do you? Everything had to be woke, with transgender for everybody. Now America is back, and everyone is jealous of us.”

Smith was taken aback by the job offer.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered and will absolutely accept the job,” Smith said. “It’s just that I’m not really sure what the Ambassador to Paraguay even does. Wouldn’t I need to know how to speak Spanish? Oh well. I guess I’ll just trust Donald Trump’s faith in me, and know that I can definitely do the job if he says I can. I’m a huge fan of his, and actually look to him as a role model on how to treat women. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but I’m something of a ladies’ man myself, and everything I learned on the subject came from observing him.”

Political scientist Shanice Cranberry has seen this before.

“Donald Trump has obviously been losing control of his faculties, and we see that with him offering important roles to notable creeps from cinema,” Cranberry offered. “He also wants to give the Ambassador to Egypt position to the child catcher from ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang,’ and he once tried to give Johnny 23 from ‘Con Air’ the position of Secretary of Agriculture before learning the character died in the movie. One would have thought that the line between fiction and reality would at least be an obstacle in him finding absolute nightmare humans to serve in his administration, but that is absolutely not the case.”

At press time, Trump was also pondering offering a position to the T-800 Terminator, but only if it was the evil model from the original movie.

Call Me A Conspiracy Theorist, But I’m Beginning to Think That They Never Cared About Making Eggs Cheaper

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

I don’t mean to align myself with the rabble of conspiracy theorists and blithering malcontents filling up your feed and detracting from the quality of your doomscrolling. It’s bad enough that we have throngs of people who were willing to shoot up a pizza parlor ten years ago at the mere thought of child trafficking who will now pick up a gun and actively defend a known cabal of rich pedophiles. But I keep looking at the signs, reading between the lines, seeing the messaging within the messaging, and I’ve noticed an unignorable thread — I don’t think that Republican leadership ever cared about making eggs cheaper.

I’ve spent countless hours away from my family poring over innumerable documents and articles. I even have a massive wall in my home bedaubed with pictures and newspaper clippings connected by red strings, linking people and events to one another. They all call me crazy, but I know what I see. I know what they’re trying to hide from us with their cunning trickery. My friends say that I’m losing my grip on reality. I’m losing sleep. I barely eat, and when I do, it’s not like I can afford eggs like I was promised.

So here it is, and this is just spit balling here, but it seems to me like the promise of cheaper eggs, groceries, and day to day life was some rather ingenious sleight of hand that the conservative elite used to shoehorn their party back into power while disguising their true intentions of cultivating a latter-day dictatorship propagated by state sponsored media that’s emboldened due to corporate hegemony being indistinguishable from policy. All the while, this whole charade of governance is being utilized as a thinly worn veneer for advancing a pseudo-theocratic ethnostate benefiting only the wealthiest contributors to the regime that fosters a society that’s closer to an open-air prison or a pyramid scheme than an actual country. One where all money flows to the top, while all of those who actually produce the value of their labor are systematically separated from reaping the benefits of said labor under pain of death from law enforcement officials.So, even though I can’t rightly prove that they never cared about making eggs cheaper, I’m not going to give up. I just know I’m on to something. Hell, if I didn’t know any better, I would say that despite their staunch pro-life stance, republicans don’t care about the average person at all.

Donald Trump to Guest on “Celebrity To Catch a Predator”

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — Long-running pedophile sting show “To Catch a Predator” will be returning to the air next with a special new celebrity edition, headlined by none other than President Donald Trump, sources at NBC confirm. 

“I’m very happy to announce I will be returning to NBC, primetime baby!” bragged the President to reporters when asked about his rumored cameo. “NBC, I tell ya, they love Trump over there! I get a call from one of their bigwigs, he says to me ‘Mr. President, you’re going to be on one of our programs.’ Didn’t ask me, told me! You gotta respect that. I told him, ‘I don’t know if I’ll have time, I’m the president, I’m a busy guy,’ he says, ‘We already filmed it. These TV people, they’re incredible, aren’t they? The way they work. If Biden worked half as hard as they do, the country wouldn’t be in so much trouble today, I can tell you that. Anyway, I don’t know what it is, I’m sure it won’t be as good as “The Apprentice”, but check it out!” 

Longtime “To Catch a Predator” host Chris Hansen had more to say on the President’s involvement, and the inception of the celebrity-focused reboot of the police sting reality series. 

“We had absolutely no intention of doing a celebrity edition; we just set up shop to do a straight-ahead new season of the show the same way we’ve always done. Then, the president of the United States shows up with a 4-pack of wine coolers for what he believes to be a 15-year-old girl named Maxine. After that, Kevin Spacey rings the bell, all excited to take polaroids of the teen boy he met online. Then it was Steve Bannon, Bill Cosby, Mark Zuckerberg, just a cavalcade of stars, and that’s just to name a few! It’s deeply upsetting, but hey, play the hand you’re dealt, I guess. Celebrity To Catch a Predator, Fridays at nine.”

Special Victims officer Emanuelle Cortez gave insight as to how the show managed to snag a guest as high-profile as Donald Trump. 

“Well, we went onto the same dark web message boards we used in the past, actually, I was showing a trainee how to do it, so I wrote this very basic, obviously fake post. ‘DTF underage girl. Loves disgusting old men. White.’ I think that’s all it said. I don’t know how, but the president was here within minutes. We were unable to arrest him due to the fact that he is a key figure in a much larger criminal investigation at this time. 

Recently leaked internal memos from NBC show that Elon Musk tried desperately to get on the show but was ultimately turned down. 

William H. Macy Insists Way More People Would Have Died on 9/11 if He Had Been on That Plane

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

LOS ANGELES — Actor William H. Macy insisted that, unlike his “Boogie Nights” costar Mark Wahlberg, had he been aboard one of the hijacked planes on September 11, 2001, the death toll would have been significantly higher, confirmed sources.

“I can tell you right now, if I had been on that plane, no one would have made it out alive,” said Macy. “I mean, what was I going to do? Take control of the cockpit? I’d have spent the whole flight sweating through my shirt and stammering for a drink. Or worse yet, I probably would accidentally overpower the hijackers through some farcical turn of events, only to then fail to stick the landing and ironically knock out several more skyscrapers along the way. If it weren’t for me not being on that plane that day, we would’ve had a much more tragic 9/11. You’re welcome.”

TSA agents who have worked with Macy at Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) confirmed that the actor’s presence in high-stress situations often induces more chaos than calm.

“Oh yeah, the shovel guy from ‘Mystery Men.’ I’ve seen him before. The guy is a walking panic attack,” said TSA agent Linda Rodriguez, who asked not to be named for fear of reprisal. “One time, he accidentally set off his own metal detector because he was so nervous about putting his belt back on. Can you imagine him facing down terrorists? Hell, if Al Qaeda met this guy, they probably would feel so bad about how pathetic he is they’d just give up on fighting ‘The Great Satan’ all together.”

Dr. Jennifer Klein, a Hollywood psychologist specializing in celebrity behavior, explained that Macy is actually an outlier in egotistical movie stars.

“Everyone picks on Marky Mark for this one, but the truth is the majority of celebrities fantasize about how if they were suddenly dropped into some great, historical tragedy, they’d be able to save the day,” explained Klein. “For instance, actor David Krumholtz once posted 30 tweets in less than an hour explaining how, if he were on the Titanic, he could have dropkicked the iceberg away from the boat.”

At press time, Macy is avoiding air travel and quietly preparing for his latest role in which he’ll be playing a sentient block of silken tofu.

Brave! Man Struggles To Sing Both Eddie Vedder and Chris Cornell Parts of “Hunger Strike”

Posted on by Kyle Donley

Seattle may have been the grunge capital of the world back in the ‘90s, but this Tuesday morning, Rockford, Illinois resident Carl Prather will be attempting the unthinkable feat of handling both Eddie Vedder’s and Chris Cornell’s vocal duties on “Hunger Strike” during his morning commute to work.

For years, the 1991 anthem has served as the perfect singalong for men bonding during a camping trip or a friend’s funeral, the varied vocal melodies and countermelodies serving an embarrassment of riches for a chorus of beer-drunk voices to fumble, hum, and vamp their way through the emotionally raw paeans to partially chewed bread. Attempting the duet solo would surely require months of training with a ponytailed vocal coach and, at the very least, a few tallboys to gather the necessary courage. Prather will not have the luxury of either, explaining that he can’t really drink before work anymore due to an ongoing custody battle and that he doesn’t know what a vocal coach is.     

Critics fear the local refrigerator repairman may be punching above his weight, considering it took two Seattle grunge rock legends to record the original, and Prather only knows roughly 20% of the lyrics. Adding insult to injury, the only formal training Prather has is 7th-grade chorus, which he received a C- in. It’s hard to imagine how he could possibly capture the throaty baritone of Eddie Vedder and the four-octave range of Chris Cornell all in one single breath, but Prather remains unconcerned, telling us, “Who gives a shit, I’m just driving to work. No one else will even be in the car. Just let me do this, ok?”

As if the level of difficulty wasn’t staggering enough, Prather is already working on vocalizing the guitar breakdown and a few of the more memorable drum fills, which he will literally play with his fingers on the steering wheel! Prather has also not ruled out the possibility of eating a breakfast sandwich throughout the performance, which could really make things interesting! So if you happen to be on I-39 this upcoming Tuesday morning, keep your eyes peeled for a silver Toyota Camry with a caterwauling 41-year-old man inside and know that grunge rock history is probably being made.