‘Power Couple’ Shocked To Learn No One Else Calls Them That

Posted on by Rachel Hein

NEW YORK — A local couple who have for years referred to themselves as a “power couple” were reportedly “blindsided” to discover that no one else has ever used the term to describe them, confirmed sources.

“We genuinely thought it was widely accepted,” said 35-year-old Emma Ainsley. “Between my job as a Director of Brand Empowerment, my work as a social impact advisor, and my online presence as a wellness educator, plus Derek’s podcast that has 67 subscribers, there’s just not much of this city we don’t cover. People like us usually compete, you know? But we’re a unit because we’re stronger together. That should be abundantly obvious to our friends, families, and complete strangers.”

Friend Melissa Fitzpatrick said she assumed the phrase was “ironic” or “aspirational.”

“I thought it was like when you call your cat ‘little king,’” Feldman said. “You don’t actually think the cat runs a monarchy. I figured they were manifesting. Or maybe it was, like, a kinky thing? Like they got off on saying it to each other before some roleplay. But, to be clear, I have literally never heard another human being use those words to describe their relationship.”

Publicist Brit Blefko confirmed that self-appointment is “not only common, but historically consistent.”

“Every major power couple you can think of today began by declaring themselves one first before it almost kind of caught on,” Blefko said. “You think anyone else was walking around ancient Egypt saying, ‘Wow, what a power couple, that Cleopatra and Mark Antony’? No. They curated that title on their own. Sure, there is no actual evidence that they used the phrase, but they did, in fact, wield significant geopolitical influence. That’s close enough. It’s only now that we can look at the lovers who aligned the Egyptian East with the Roman Empire in the greatest expansion of power the world had ever seen as deserving of the label, and one day the same will be true for this generation, with people like Emma and Derek.”

At press time, the couple confirmed they would no longer be referring to themselves as a “power couple,” noting that the title itself may be dated, opting instead for “a merger.”

We Sat Down With Future Supreme Court Justice Kid Rock

Posted on by Steve Packosky

It’s almost a certainty that, given our current societal trajectory, musician turned presidential confidante Robert James “Kid Rock” Ritchie will become a Supreme Court Justice at some point in the near future. At one point, we would’ve considered his not having a law degree, or even the apparent ability to read, to be a disqualifying factor, but that’s clearly not going to halt the inevitable, so we might as well resign ourselves to it. As such, we decided to interview Kid to try and get on his good side before he’s given the robes.

The Hard Times: Hi Mr. Rock, how are you doing today?

Kid Rock: I’m chillin’ man, just thanking my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for every new day in this great country, you feel me?

HT: Sure. So, we’d like to congratulate you in advance for your future appointment to the Supreme Court.

KR: What’s that?

HT: It’s one of the most consequential positions you can have in this country, as the Supreme Court is one of the three branches of the federal govern—you know what? It’s not important, but it’s going to be a job that President Trump—

KR: Fuck yeah! Make America Great Again! Whooo! 

HT: Ok. Well, anyway, do you have any plans for how you’ll be interpreting the Constitution? We know you’re conservative, but will you be more of a practical originalist like Justice Alito, or a judicial minimalist like Justice Roberts?

KR: I don’t know what the fuck you just said, but I believe in God, guns, Trump, and huge titties. Ain’t nothing wrong with any of that!

HT: We understand that, but the work you’ll be doing with the rest of the Court will have lasting effects on the life of every American for generations to come. We’re sure you grasp the overwhelming weight of this responsibility, so is there anything you’re doing to ensure history looks upon you as favorably as it does past justices like Charles Evan Hughes and Earl Warren?

KR: Fuck the mainstream media, fuck Fauci, and fuck Joe Biden! Let’s Go Brandon, motherfuckers!

HT: Alright, can you at least promise not to overturn Loving vs. Virginia?

KR: Whatever man, I brought my AR-15 and a case of Bud Light if you want to see me light this bitch up!

It was at this point that we counted our losses and left the interview. Here’s hoping that our upcoming interview with future Senate Majority Leader Kyle Rittenhouse goes better than this.

CDC Announces Final Eradication of Bieber Fever

Posted on by Todd Monitto

ATLANTA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced the final eradication of the Bieber Fever outbreak, confirmed sources.

“It’s been almost 16 years since this outbreak and if you think it wasn’t an active effort, you’d be sorely mistaken,” said Joseph Takahashi, a researcher at the CDC. “Ever since ‘My World 2.0’ came out, it’s been all hands on deck. Most cases we initially found were in the school systems, but soon it was infecting everyone. Cases were coming from office workers, food service employees, even health care. Nurses humming ‘Baby’ were spreading their infection to some very vulnerable patients. We knew we had to do something.”

The CDC spent the better part of the next decade working on plans to contain the outbreak. 

“It was a team effort,” said CDC spokeswoman Lynn Getty. “One of the most visible symptoms was the influx in men growing hair similar to Bieber’s swish. Our first plan of action was a change in Beiber’s hairstyle, but we quickly saw the patient’s hair morph with it. That’s when we came up with the idea for an antidote. We split Harry Styles from his One Direction counterparts and gave him the solo career. Soon symptoms started to subside as the patients’ immune systems were focused on this new pop heart throb.”

While Bieber Fever is officially eradicated, there is still a chance that similar diseases could emerge.

“Please keep an eye out for future symptoms that can form,” said Former NIAID director Anthony Fauci. “Despite its national headlines, Bieber Fever is not the only disease of its kind. There have been multiple reports of Swift Fever and BTS Fever, but they never took hold because the names don’t rhyme. Still there could be other contagious diseases in the future. Look out for artists who could be easily manipulated into a symptom. Like Drake Aches or Genesis Sepsis. I will advise installing a rhyming dictionary on your phone and checking proactively before listening to any new artists or entering a Macy’s.”

At this time, the CDC is urging all music listeners to regularly wash their earbuds and keep at least six feet away from anyone refusing to say “never.”

We Taste-Tested Five Different Weezer Album Covers

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Weezer is easily one of the most influential alt-rock acts of the nineties, and over the decades, they’ve amassed a cult following rivaled only by a select few other bands. They also have one of the most delicious discographies we’ve ever seen, and after years of resisting the temptation to press our tongues against their album’s liner notes, we’ve finally caved. As such, here is a taste-test we conducted of five of their releases.

  1. Weezer (Green Album) – 1994

We imagined this would have a rich, slightly sour but altogether pleasant flavor similar to a green Now and Later. However, we could not have been more disappointed when we ran our tongues over the band members posing in front of that green expanse. It just tasted like paper, with a faint cardboard finish to it. We don’t recommend.

  1. Weezer – 1994

Blue raspberry flavor was huge in the nineties, and we were really stoked to bask in the nostalgia of an album cover that tastes like Ka-Blueys or blue Shock Tarts. Again, though, this just tasted like we were licking a goddamn envelope. What the fuck? Why do people like this band so much?

  1. Weezer (Red Album) – 2008

Red’s always fun. Would it be cherry? Would it be strawberry? Ooh! What about watermelon? Honestly, we’d have been happy with any of these, but alas. Another album cover that just tastes like paper. Fuck Weezer. 

  1. Weezer (Teal Album) – 2019

This would’ve been a perfect opportunity for them to brainstorm a new taste sensation. You don’t see “teal” flavor anything, and we feel like there’s a bunch of really cool combinations you could make using lime, blueberry, and lemon. This could’ve been a whole new Ecto Cooler situation. Nope, they didn’t even bother. If we ever see Rivers Cuomo, we’re going to smack those pretentious, nerd-chic glasses off of his stupid fucking face.

  1. Hurley – 2010

OK, hear us out. We know this is going to sound insane, but this album cover tastes exactly like “Lost” actor Jorge Garcia. Granted, we’ve never licked his face, but we just know. We can’t describe it, but trust us. You need to run out and buy this album right now so you can try it for yourself. We’re going to stop this taste test here, because we’re actually a little freaked out after that one.

Minimalist Couple Uninterested in Adding a Third

Posted on by Shane Pauker

DENVER — Minimalists Mark Blake and Tara Owens expressed no interest in adding other partners to their relationship, sources in pineapple-adorned t-shirts report.

“Minimalism emphasizes owning less, but having functional versions of what you do keep around. That’s why all relationships should be useful and practical,” Blake explained from his all-white, predominantly rectangular living room. “Unfortunately, polyamory seems complicated and cluttery, so I’m afraid their lifestyle is out of the question for Tara and I. Just the thought of all those fluids and holes haphazardly scattered in my home makes me cringe. I’ve come to appreciate the simplicity of a straightforward, stripped-down wife.”

Critics of minimalism, however, have deemed the couple’s self-imposed monogamy restrictive.

“The Dieter Rams mentality is keeping people from finding the best D to ram,” self-described maximalist Andrew Clarendon claimed from a jewel-toned, debatably uncomfortable angular loveseat. “The only true path to quality is curating a diverse array of objects to sift through every time you open a cabinet. I have 12 partners right now — one for each dirty mug on my desk — and they each help me fixate on different, potentially diagnosable sexual deviancies. Look at the choices that a maximalist philosophy affords me: I get to both suck and fuck. It’s kind of poetic, in that it rhymes.”

Experts speculate that the sexual trends following home decor all boil down to economics.

“It’s all reactionary: At this point, needs are luxurious and luxuries are cheap,” asserted interior design consultant Alexa Cunningham. “If you’re a millennial who can actually afford a house, you’ve probably pooled your money with a spouse and have still blown all your decoration money on property. You get sucked into minimalist, gray, generic, bleak decor because it’s cheap and easy to unify — basically the same reason Tara is with minimalist, gray, generic, bleak Mark. Conversely, the amount you save short-term by renting saves money for maximalist hedonism — hence why Andrew can have the short-term thrills of a trinket-soaked apartment and, as we call it in the design space, ‘railing floosies.’ My condo-owner clients seem to be the only middle ground between broke and sexually adventurous, which is why they’re the only ones getting freaky Herman Miller sex swings.”

At press time, the minimalist couple were last seen critiquing the busy composition of the Brazzers gangbang scene they were watching on Blake’s laptop.

RFK Jr. Starts Day With Massive Rip From Smoking Manhole Cover

Posted on by Skyler Hanrath

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. started his workday with a massive rip from a smoking manhole cover on the way into the office this past week, reported local sources.

“Taking in ‘exotic,’ untested substances is key to how I operate,” said Kennedy between phlegmy, hacking coughs. “If you’re consuming what everyone else is consuming, you’re putting out what everyone else is putting out—it’s that simple. I don’t want ‘simple.’ I want to zag when others zig. Internet supplements, fat rips of manhole smoke, uncooked mystery meats—it’s all of that that lets me do this job in the way Americans have come to know and expect. Would I be able to improve vaccine policies for hard working Americans if I wasn’t fried on the kind of urban vent gas you can’t just go out and buy? Absolutely not.”

The Secretary’s ever-present sheen of sweat and general disdain for established science has long been assumed to be at least partially a product of his esoteric consumption habits.

“The man I wake up next to every morning is unrecognizable,” said comedian and wife to Kennedy, Cheryl Hines. “He’s calm, he has respect for facts on how much tallow any one person should have day-to-day, he’s essentially your basic 72-year-old guy—it makes me sick. But when he gets a few lungs full of our capital’s hole chiba, he turns into the splotchy-skinned doctor-skeptic I married, thank god.” 

Experts have expressed skepticism of the upsides of manhole cover smoke, including D.C. Sanitation Engineer Grady Forester.

“If you’re not built like RFK Jr.—which is to say, ‘alive,’ but confusingly so—we recommend not sticking your head into the manhole steam columns and inhaling,” said Forester. “His constitution can only be achieved by surviving a worm to the brain and belonging to a family seemingly cursed by god himself. For RFK Jr., who appears to be running some sort of life-long experiment on what one body can endure, it’s all right. But for the rest of us, it’s best to steer clear of D.C. gutter gas.” 

At press time, Kennedy was seen gargling water from the Washington Monument reflecting pool before joining a press conference to bash people who use electric wheelchairs.

Awesome! Here Are Five Bands That Anthony Kiedis Isn’t In

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Red Hot Chili Peppers can sure be annoying at times, can’t they? It’s almost like most of the band is really talented but has been held back by one babbling, nonsense-spewing member for the past four decades. Well, if you’ve had enough of Anthony Kiedis, you’re in luck, because here are five bands that he’s not in!

  1. The Beatles

That’s right. The most influential and iconic band in rock music history also boasted a complete lack of Anthony Kiedis and his toddler stream-of-consciousness lyrics throughout the entirety of their career. We’d be lying if we said we didn’t consider this their strongest attribute. Toss on “Revolver” and enjoy not having to wince uncomfortably at John Lennon’s signature crooning.

  1. Slayer

Fuckin’ Slayeeeerrrrrrr! Did you know that the real reason these thrash gods have such a rabid following is because Anthony Kiedis isn’t their vocalist? You’d better believe people wouldn’t be carving their name into their forearms if they had lyrics like “eyo eyo ding ding dong diggyding ding dong” or whatever the Christ he’s saying in “Around the World”. Ugh.

  1. Echo and the Bunnymen

Echo and the Bunnymen are an awesome new wave post-punk band from England, and you’d likely recognize their biggest song, “Killing Moon,” from the movie Donnie Darko, which you were obsessed with during the brooding, pseudo-intellectual phase you had in your sophomore year of high school. Anthony Kiedis is nowhere to be found in either that movie or in any of Echo and the Bunnymen’s songs, thank God.

  1. Mayhem

That’s right, another metal band without a trace of meaningless words used solely because they rhyme in their lyrics. Mayhem is best known for their stellar 1987 EP “Deathcrush”, their 1994 album “De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas”, and a bunch of other albums that are really forgettable. They’re also known for killing themselves and each other in the nineties, but we don’t need to rehash that story.

  1. Guns N’ Roses

It’s true that Anthony Kiedis is not in this band, but to be completely honest, Axl Rose might be even more annoying. If we hear him yowl “Do you know where you are?” in “Welcome to the Jungle” one more time, we’re going to disembowel ourselves. Maybe Anthony Kiedis isn’t so bad after all.

Conservative Version of Goodreads Only Has the Bible and ‘The Art of the Deal’

Posted on by Steve Packosky

SAN FRANCISCO — New app Patriotreads, a conservative take on the popular social cataloguing platform Goodreads, only had the Bible and “The Art of the Deal” as books for users to pick from, sources report.

“We were sick of the woke nonsense pervading other literary social networking websites,” said Patriotreads CEO Tim Hersham. “These platforms are clearly discriminating against God-fearing citizens with their liberal brainwashing and anti-Christian bigotry with books like ‘Charolette’s Web,’ so it’s time for real Americans to stand up and do what’s right. We currently offer the only two books anyone needs to succeed in life. It’s obvious that anything else is just satanic garbage, so start a Patriotreads account today! Just know that any rating less than five stars will result in your account being suspended.”

User Zach Brenton commented on his experience with the app.

“Finally, an app for pro-American books like the Bible!” Brenton said. “I’ve been telling people for years that the Bible is the only book they need, but I’ve never actually opened it myself. Starting an account was just the kick to the ass I needed to get started on this bad boy. I’m about halfway through the Book of Genesis, and I can already tell God did a great job with it even though I’m not sure what’s going on. I can’t wait to finish this and get started on ‘The Art of the Deal.’ I mean, we all know how great Trump’s tariffs went, so I’m bound to learn a lot of really useful information from this.”

Sociologist Gwendolyn Stursk has been studying conservatives’ takes on popular platforms for years.

“Conservatives are always starting their own platforms after complaining that they’re being left out,” Stursk noted. “I mean, obviously it’s nonsense because it’s just predicated on them being angry at seeing Black or LGBTQ representation in anything, and it’s resulted in a lower-quality ripoff of the original in 100% of the cases I’ve studied. Have you ever watched a Pure Flix movie? You definitely don’t want to, and don’t even get me started on the Turning Point USA Super Bowl Half Time show. I haven’t had a chance to look at Patriotreads yet, but I can guarantee that it sucks.”

At press time, Hersham was open to adding the Harry Potter books to the platform, so long as J.K. Rowling kept up her transphobic Twitter rants.

Israel Sends 1000 American Paratroopers to Iran

Posted on by Wilson Conkwright

JERUSALEM — In what many are viewing as an aggressive escalation to the conflict in Iran, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has announced he will deploy 1000 American Paratroopers to help secure the region. 

“We hope this deployment sends a clear message to any remaining resistance in Iran,” said  Netanyahu to reporters yesterday evening. ”There is no limit to the number of American lives we are willing to sacrifice to achieve our goals in this region. So long as there is a Republican or a Democrat in the White House, Israel’s military power will reign supreme. No matter how much American blood must be spilled, no matter how high U.S. oil prices rise, no matter how much the quality of life for the average American citizen plummets, Israel will prevail.” 

Vice President JD Vance has condemned backlash to the deployment, posting on Bluesky, “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what your country can do for the country that funded all of your country’s politicians’ careers.” 

This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it develops.

Little Bit of Help Please! I’m the Man in the Box, and I’m a Little Concerned That Alice in Chains Forgot I Was Still in Here

Posted on by Kyle Donley

Look, the last thing I want to do is sound ungrateful for being the inspiration behind Alice In Chains’ first chart-topping hit. It’s truly been an honor, and from the bits and pieces that I can hear from outside of the box, it sounds like there’s a whole Seattle rock movement that’s really coming together! 

It’s just, I don’t know, it kind of sucks in the box. Almost like a gilded cage situation, if you will. I might even be a celebrity out there, but I don’t really have any way to enjoy it, ya know? I’m pretty lonely if I’m being honest. There used to be a time when some of the guys would like, crush up a handful of chips and kind of mash them through tiny slivers between the slats of the box and yell encouraging stuff like, “The song went gold!” and “We’re going to tour Europe!” But it’s pretty much been radio silence for a while now, and I must admit I’m getting a little antsy. It’s pretty hard to keep track of time in the box, but it feels like I’ve been in here for almost an entire year!

And look, if they just made the box a bit bigger so that I could fully lie down in it, I’d be willing to stay in here longer if the band needed me to for some reason. Like, I dunno, maybe a second song about the man in the box since the first one was so popular? I’ve been writing some lyrics, not sure if they’re any good though.

There’s just not much to do in the box, is the thing. And not to get too graphic, but as you can imagine, the amount of shit in here has only increased. I have a system to help with the shit levels, of course, a recycling system if you will. And again, not to get too graphic, but the lack of sustenance in the box all but necessitates the system. God, I’d give anything for those mashed-up pieces of chips right now.

I hope my wife and daughter are doing ok. At the end of the day, I’m doing this all for them. Surely they’re receiving royalties from the song, right? Layne’s a responsible guy, I’m sure he’s taking care of it all. Heck, they wouldn’t have given him the keys to the box if he wasn’t. What am I worrying about? I’m sure he’ll let me out of here once his schedule frees up.