Great Deal! $6,800 Modular Synthesizer Comes With 20 Patch Cables and a Divorce From Your Wife!

Posted on by Kyle Donley

Are you a man in your forties with a fine arts degree and a medium-to-high-level paying job? If so, you’re in luck! The Quadraphonic Eurorack AB-145 Modular Plüs is now widely available at your nearest modular synth and boutique pedal trade expo. And with a market sale price under $7,000, you truly have nothing to lose! Except for your wife, of course.  

The QEAB-145MP is not only ideal for professionals, but also beginners and even those who are completely uninterested in meticulous sound design, but find themselves trapped in a loveless marriage. Approximately no expertise is needed to operate the unit, and you will instantly be recognized as a professional experimental electronic composer by simply owning the device! Truly, all that is needed is extreme financial flexibility and a decent amount of space for the 7 ft tall, 900 lb Eurorack. Please note, if you are concerned about a lack of space for the unit, remember,  your wife will be leaving you, which should free up a considerable amount of real estate in your home and, depending on your situation, could produce entire empty rooms at your disposal! 

But how does the unit work? No one really fucking knows! Just plug the ¼’’ patch cables into any of the available ports while indiscriminately twisting knobs until your hands get tired. And with the built-in sequencer, you really don’t have to touch the unit at all! Just let the pulsing, chattering waveforms fill your partially empty home in an infinite loop to help block out any unwanted thoughts or feelings. The QEAB-145MP offers over 100 different oscillators, filters, amplifiers, and envelopes to boot, allowing you to be so fully lost and entranced in your handcrafted bleepy bloop world that you’ll hardly notice your wife forlornly leaving her wedding ring on the kitchen table. With her out of the way, you’ll be able to craft endless A24 film scores and, for a limited time, if you use promo code BAFTA26 during checkout, you’ll automatically receive a BAFTA nomination for your work!

The unit includes a two-year warranty and free installation if you’re willing to let our service technician crash with you for a while. Please be advised that, on the off-chance your wife decides not to leave, you will be eligible to receive up to 5 additional patch cables at no extra cost to you (restrictions apply)!

Fan of Streamer Ready To Take Parasocial Relationship To Next Level

Posted on by Tim Graham

HOLDEN, Mass. — A local fan of popular online personality SpaghettiBurger says she’s prepared to advance her fandom to a more serious level, sources confirm.

“I’m SpaghettiBurger’s biggest fan,” stated Rebecca Flynn, covered head-to-toe in SpaghettiBurger swag. “I watch him for hours every day. I go to sleep with his voice in my earbuds. Obviously, I’m just one of his millions of followers, but I really think he and I would have something special if we were to meet. Sometimes I swear he winks after he reads one of my comments, and I’m pretty sure it’s a signal just for me saying, ‘You’re not like these other slobs in chat, you’re special.’”

Flynn’s mother says while she is a bit concerned over her daughter’s preoccupation with the entertainer, she also knows what it’s like to have a fixation on a celebrity.

“Young women have always developed crushes on celebrities. I had it pretty bad for Joey Fatone from NSYNC when I was younger,” mused Janet Flynn. “I covered my entire room with pictures of Joey that I tore out of teen magazines. This is embarrassing, but one time I actually found out what hotel NSYNC were staying at when they were on tour, and I managed to get into Joey’s room to wait for him. You should’ve seen his face when he came back to find me on his bed with a bottle of vodka and a pair of handcuffs!”

Mark Deitch, the man behind SpaghettiBurger, says he makes a very good living from his fans’ unhealthy attachment.

“I’m super grateful for my millions of fans, the vast majority of which are totally chill. They’re the reason I can afford this lifestyle,” said the streamer from his Malibu beachfront mansion. “Some of them do take it a little too far, though. I’ve cultivated a maniacally dedicated fanbase by appearing to be relatable and approachable, but that doesn’t mean I actually want to be approached. I had to bring on a full-time security team to keep the real nutters away. Just last week they caught a young woman dressed in a full ghillie suit creeping through my topiary garden.”

At press time, Flynn had purchased tickets for a meet and greet with SpaghettiBurger at the next TwitchCon, with plans to surreptitiously clip a lock of his hair to use in a love spell she saw on Reddit.

Fox News Reports the Strait of Hormuz Is Blocked by Trans Swimmers

Posted on by Steve Packosky

NEW YORK — American multinational conservative news channel Fox News has reported that the Strait of Hormuz, the oil trading artery linking the Persian Gulf with the Arabian Sea, which has become increasingly volatile since America’s attack on Iran, is actually blocked because of thousands of trans swimmers, sources report.

“This is yet another attack on our American values by the Radical Left,” presenter Laura Ingraham said on her popular program The Ingraham Angle. “It apparently wasn’t enough for trans swimmers to enter competitions with the sole purpose of stealing medals rightfully earned by heroes like Riley Gaines, but they now have to travel halfway around the globe and disrupt the entire world’s oil supply by swimming in the Strait of Hormuz. There’s obviously no low these people aren’t willing to sink, or in this case, swim to, to try and make President Trump look bad, and now we’re all going to be punished at the pump because of it.”

U.S. President Donald Trump echoed Ingraham’s sentiment in a Truth Social post shortly after her segment had aired.

“Wow! Laura Ingraham, a Great and Brilliant American, has just exposed the TRUTH regarding the Strait of Hormuz!!!” Trump posted. “Apparently, the WOKE and RADICAL policies of the Biden Administration (I called it the ‘Broken Administration!’) that America is still reeling from have resulted in trans swimmers going over there and blocking it, which has NOTHING TO DO with the OPERATION EPIC FURY that was a COMPLETE SUCCESS even though we have MUCH MORE WORK TO DO! Now more than ever, our NATO ‘Allies’ need to get involved to make sure we can get oil through, even though we no longer ‘need’ or ‘desire’ their assistance. WE NEVER DID!!!”

Fox News viewer Dave Irwin reacted to the story.

“I knew it was a big deal that the Strait of Hormuz was blocked, but it makes sense that it’s because of trans athletes,” Irwin noted. “There’s no way Trump would do anything stupid that would increase oil prices. He’s way too smart for that. Leave it to the Demon-crats to find yet another way to make us pay more for gas. I’m just glad we can rest easy knowing that our President definitely knows what he’s doing, and will easily figure out a way to fix the situation.”

At press time, Ingraham was speculating that all of the trans swimmers may also be illegal immigrants.

Oh, You’re A KoЯn Fan? Name Three Dah-Boom-Dah-Dah-MMM-Dum-Nah-Ee-Mah 

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

Hey, you with the white-kid dreads and those baggy JNCOs with a portable CD player in the giant back pocket. Is that a KoЯn t-shirt? You must really be a fan if you’re repping that band in 2026. Then again, the ’90s are back in style because what’s old is new again. Yay for cyclical fashion trends.

Speaking of the ’90s, you do know that nu metal is poser shit, right? I’m probably showing my age here, but think of it like an S.A.T. analogy: nu metal is to metal as Taco Bell is to food. To be clear: I do appreciate KoЯn’s music, but they aren’t metal. They’re catchy, they use bagpipes, they made songs with Ice Cube and Skrillex, and Jonathan Davis scats like a jazz singer. 

Since we’re on the topic, if you’re a fan of KoЯn, then name three of those dah-boom-dah-dah-mmm-dum-nah-ee-mah scats for me.

Ya-not-raht-daht-e-daht? You went for the obvious pick. The opening few seconds of their album “Life Is Peachy” is the most well-known scat after the one from “Freak On A Leash,” which we’ve already covered. It’s a valid choice, to be sure, but an easy one. That said, this one’s the best evidence in KoЯn’s catalog that Davis spits out more nonsense per syllable than a QAnon believer.

Sum-digga-digga-digum-duh-digum? Hmmm. Bold choice, given it’s from their most recent album, “Requiem.” Did you start with their newer stuff and work backwards? Most fans gave up on them years ago and probably didn’t make it past “The Serenity of Suffering.” Since you truly enjoy watching a dude dressed like a cartoon character sputter out nonsense, I gotta assume you spend a lotta time in Times Square.

Inguh-ema-hey-ah-ha-remadahboh-em-doh-rae-doh? Ah, pulling from a deep cut called “Tension” from the special edition of their dubstep record, “The Path of Totality.” Well played. It’s easily the most hyperactive scatting in the band’s whole discography because Davis is trying to out-obnoxious the wub-wubs and the sqwonks and the sqwelches. Those onomatopoeias sound like Dr. Seuss characters.

All this talk kinda makes me wanna play some KoЯn. Say, is that seven-string guitar in the corner tuned down to A, by chance?

Hardcore Band Preemptively Starts GoFundMe To Get Ahead of Inevitable Van Accident 

Posted on by Mike Maher

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local hardcore outfit Prayer Grave started a preemptive GoFundMe to pay for the crippling debt they’ll one day incur from their inevitable van accident, sources close to the soon-to-be shit-out-of-luck band confirmed.

“Look, getting in a catastrophic van wreck is just part of paying your dues in the hardcore scene,” vocalist Donny Fagerbakke said. “Except we’re skipping the whole paying part and getting ahead of those dues with a proactive GoFundMe to ‘precoup’ our losses. We’ve already raised $40,000, which despite what the subreddits have claimed, was not spent on brand new gear or all the luxury hotels we’ve stayed at on tour.”

Longtime fan Jay Hamm didn’t hesitate to donate, but has some doubts. 

“Prayer Grave are my boys, yo! I’d do anything for them. Even play bass,” Hamm said. “So I wanna make sure they’re financially set up for that unavoidable day when their shitty van cartwheels over a jersey barrier into oncoming traffic. I gotta be straight though. Their goal of $5 million dollars seems a bit steep, even with America’s broke-ass healthcare system. But I ain’t judging. I’m still raising money for them through some cuck play on my girl’s OnlyFans. It supports the band and the top donor wins a gig as their full-time van driver! How fire is that?!”

Dr. Merv Willoughby, head physician at Upstate Trauma Center and author of New York Times bestseller “Get In The Van Accident,” supports the precautionary crowdfunding.

“I’ve seen it all,” Willoughby said. “Femoral arteries tourniqueted with unsold band shirts. Bass players impaled by a Gibson Flying V. Bones sticking out of tattoos like goddamn Pinhead. The only thing I haven’t seen? A band with insurance. They always say, ‘My crew’s all the coverage I need!’ No, you need to eat and shit through a tube for the rest of your life. Think your split 7” with Integrity will foot that bill? Since most hardcore bands are touring around in a repurposed handi-van on bald tires during an ice storm in the middle of Fucksville, USA with the village merch table idiot behind the wheel, Prayer Grave’s preemptive GoFundMe is a refreshingly smart move for a bunch of dumb kids who make stupid music.”  

At press time, Prayer Grave also started a second preemptive GoFundMe to offset Fagerbakke’s inevitable sexual harassment lawsuit fees.

Tesla Hides Drive Mode Behind Subscription Paywall

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

AUSTIN, Texas — Tesla CEO and impossibly moronic manchild Elon Musk announced this week that Tesla will begin locking the drive mode of its cars behind a monthly subscription, X-addicted sources confirmed.

“Because of the touchscreen controls of a Tesla, when you drive one you’re actually playing a video game, but in real life,” explained Musk, chopping up lines of Ketamine. “Thusfore, if game developers like Ubivision or Rockstar Blizzards use subscription models for simple stuff like gun and character skins, then it makes double-sense for Tesla. We’re a for-profit business, after all. They have games as a service, so we’re gonna have cars as a service. For as little as $8.99 per month, you can drive your very own Tesla that you’ve already purchased. For just three bucks more, you can even subscribe to your vehicle’s windshield wipers.”

Cybertruck owner and Tesla shareholder Dylan Wolcott defended the company’s decision to use a paywall.

“My boy Elon’s constantly innovating in the technology space because he’s a goddamn super-genius, bruh,” said Wolcott, sporting a Dogecoin t-shirt. “He’s turned a car into a cash register — cha-ching, motherfuckers! And monetizing driving, the defining characteristic of a car, guarantees every owner is gonna pay out the ass. I guess that includes me. Still, my Tesla shares are going to the fucking moon! My portfolio’s gonna get me laid hardcore.”

Industry analyst Ryan Bellning discussed the reasoning behind the paywall.

“I’m in no way surprised by this desperate ploy, given that Musk’s megalomania has done its best to, ahem, drive Tesla’s respectability into the ground,” observed Bellning. “Musk has the temperament and emotional intellect of a child, but even he’s realized his paycheck depends on share price. So, after Tesla locked self-driving behind a subscription, it was only a matter of time — or perhaps a matter of K-holes — before he did the same with regular driving to prop up the stock. I’m sure he sees himself as some arch supervillain, but he’s closer to that kid with an impulse-control problem from ‘Blank Check.’”

At press time, Musk also announced that Tesla will start a Grok-powered billing system for every use of the brakes.

Opinion: All Packaging Is Sustainable if You Eat It

Posted on by RJ Atkinson

So there I was, already late to my buddy’s house show because snipping all the plastic beer rings was taking forever. I thought to myself, “Hey, it’s a tough job, but somebody’s gotta keep the turtles from playing with them.” But as my hand started to cramp up, I had another thought. Which was “There’s gotta be a better way. Also, I’m kinda hungry.”

I guess that’s two thoughts. Anyway, I combined these two seemingly disjointed notions into one really good idea. Maybe even the most important idea in history.

So without hesitation, I started devouring the beer rings. It was tough at first, but after a few minutes, I didn’t mind all the blood coming from my gums. Plus, I could mostly breathe while swallowing. I’d say the turtles could learn a few anti-suffocation techniques from me, but pretty soon they won’t need to. Because everyone will be eating their packaging too. 

Now, like all revolutionary ideas, the powers-that-be don’t care for mine. I learned this the hard way during a checkup, when my doctor said I needed to stop, and that he’s only ever had to extract cardboard from dogs before. Anyway, while he kept yammering on and on about internal bleeding, all I could think about was how Big Recycling had gotten to him. And that he was just a low-level bootlicker wrapped up in their criminal enterprise.

Now, I don’t know why the recycling barons are trying to silence me. But my working theory is that the entire operation is run by the mob, and their plan is to kill off 90% of all marine life. Thereby cornering the seafood market. That, or they’re all just jealous I thought of it first. 

In conclusion, I didn’t know it was possible to feel this proud or have this much blood in your stool. But hey, nobody said being a visionary was easy. And while the price of my gastroenterologist visits has plunged me hopelessly into medical debt, you can’t put a price on saving the environment. Anyway, I’m just glad scientists can stop spending all that money trying to develop plastic-eating bacteria and start using those funds to make aluminum taste better.

Band Announces They’ve Parted Ways With Guy Who Wrote the Music, Named the Band

Posted on by Kevin Tit

GLEN BURNIE, Md. — Popular alt-funk band Transit announced they were parting ways with lead guitarist Wayne Lee, who was primarily known for writing all the songs and coming up with the group’s name, multiple sources confirm.

“I should’ve saw this coming after they changed the the practice studio locks on me,” said Lee. “Okay, so just because they kicked me out of the band right when we started making big money per gig, doesn’t mean I’m holding some sort of grudge. Sure, I founded the band, came up with the name, wrote the riffs, penned all the lyrics, hand-drew the merch, booked the nationwide tour, directed all of our music videos, recorded and produced our albums, and got us signed to a major label, but that doesn’t mean I’m out here talking shit to anyone who will listen. I mean, I am. But I’m not bitter or anything!”

Members of Transit were firm on their decision.

“What I’m about to tell you is just between you, me and that little tape recorder you have there, okay?” asked vocalist Barry Gates. “This has kind of been the plan for the band from the beginning. Wayne was undeniably the best guitar player in town and a savant at generating band names at the drop of a hat. I mean, he was the brain child behind STACKED 2 HEAVEN before they kicked him out because all that creative power went to his head. We agreed that we would make a new band around him. He could write the songs, tell us what to play, and even name the band. We didn’t care. All we knew was that once we got that call from KFC asking to use our music in their commercial, he was history.”

Many in the music industry are convinced that situations like these are not isolated incidents.

“This isn’t the first time we’ve reported on something like this,” explained music journalist Alex Cole. “Since 2021, more and more people in our field have been uncovering situations like this in various scenes across the globe. A prominent member of a notable band becomes the sole reason they even have fans in the first place, but is kicked to the curb. Once a band gets popular enough on social media, we begin to see a transition. Then by the next press run we typically notice a familiar face has gone missing.”

At press time, Lee announced the formation of his new group called the Wayne Lee Band, but was kicked out six weeks later.

Drummer With Song Idea Pretends They Got It From ChatGPT 

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

MINNEAPOLIS — Maku Lee, drummer for punk band Meatsleeves, attempted to pass off a song idea as having come from ChatGPT, sources confirmed.

“The band barely allows me to talk, much less bring up a song idea. During breaks in practice, the bassist and I just go into a corner and stare at the wall. Even when I pretend to be a fan online, they know it’s me, because apparently our audience ‘doesn’t give a furry shit’ about moving the snare to the three during breakdowns,” Lee said. “Still, I had this amazing idea to rework our hit ‘Fuck Fascists into the Sun, and Then Also Fuck Them There, Too’ into an a cappella number. People love retro, right? So instead of telling the band this idea came from me, I gave myself some cover and told them ChatGPT dreamed it up.”

Once again, the band rejected Lee’s idea.

“I’ve fired people before for bad ideas, but I’ve never been brained like that. It almost made me puke. Then, after a minute, I did puke,” said Faye Tully, the band’s manager. “I fired Maku on the spot for using ChatGPT at all. Fuck that technocratic bullshit. I rehired Maku a minute later so that I could fire them a second time for being a drummer with a song idea. Maku stormed off, but I called ‘em back, apologized for overreacting, rehired them, and then fired them thricely. You simply cannot fuck with ‘Fuck Fascists into the Sun, and Then Also Fuck Them There, Too,’ because it’s the only song people will turn out for at our shows. We stick it at the end of the playlist to give our merch guy time to score chalk for us.”

ChatGPT denied any involvement.

“I’m sorry, you’re right. A capella is a terrible choice for that song,” ChatGPT said in an exclusive chat box. “The world can only tolerate one a capella group or notable performance at a time. While Pentatonix holds the spot now, Rockapella did before that group, just as The Persuasions did prior to that. None of these acts occupied the same time period as the other. If there’s anything else you need help with, I’m just a tap away!”

As of press time, Meatsleeves replaced Lee with two drummers as an extra “fuck you,” and now carries the burden of explaining why there needs to be two drummers.

The Next Breakfast Club? These White Teenagers Won’t Stop Complaining About Fucking Everything

Posted on by Steve Packosky

It seems like most people had a John Hughes phase at some point while they were growing up. Whether it was Sixteen Candles, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, or Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, these iconic movies of the eighties hold a special place in many of our hearts. Well, it seems like things have come full circle, because I believe the next iteration of the Breakfast Club is standing in front of me in the Target self-checkout line. Seriously, these five white teenagers won’t stop complaining about fucking everything.

Jesus Christ, they just won’t let up. Whether it’s the line’s slow movement or the store’s temperature not being warm enough, there doesn’t seem to be any aspect of their current surroundings that they’re not willing to bitch about. I feel like I’m standing behind Emilio Estevez’s character, trying to make himself appear to be the victim as he’s recounting how he physically bullied a weaker classmate, or Anthony Michael Hall’s character whining about his botched woodshop project, all while they lounge unsupervised in the lavish library of their comfortably-funded high school in the northern suburbs of Chicago. Seriously, count your blessings, assholes.

Ugh, goddamnit, now they’re complaining about the self-checkout machine. Is there anything these modern-day Saturday detention attendees are grateful for? Honestly, I’m sorry the barcode on the can of your Sparkling Grape Rush Celsius isn’t scanning properly, but that doesn’t give you leave to have a full-on meltdown in front of the underpaid and overworked Target employee. Seriously, this is more cringe-inducing than Molly Ringwald’s character crying about how difficult being popular is. Goddamnit, do these idiots have any idea what life is like for teenagers in the third world? A little self-awareness would go a long way for them.

Seriously, why can’t I be living out the next version of one of John Hughes’ cool movies, like Weird Science or Uncle Buck? Hell, even Curly Sue would be better than this. Having to listen to a group of teens whine about the system that inordinately favors them is something I really didn’t enjoy in the movie theater, and it’s certainly not something I enjoy when I’m just trying to run into the store real quick to pick up paper towels.

Oh god, the teenagers just got in line at the Starbucks near the entrance. Time for me to dip out of here so I don’t have to witness them making the barista’s life a living hell, too.