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Bottom Hi-Hat Would Like To Be On Top For Once

COLUMBIA, S.C. — The bottom half of a pair of Zildjian “Goon Rock” hi-hats owned by local drummer Felix Hevierre expressed a desire to have their turn in the top position after a practice session late yesterday evening, mildly aroused sources confirmed.

“I don’t want to sound ungrateful for all of the absolutely rim-shaking chicks and sizzles over the years,” said the bottom hi-hat from underneath their partner. “I’ve always dreamed of being clamped into that metal thingy with the wingnut and giving the top a few teabags while Felix plays the ride cymbal. I know the top half has been very clear about their role, but I’m starting to feel like it might be nice to switch things up every once in a while, or at least have a crash cymbal over for drinks and maybe see where things go.”

While a turn-based system may work for some couples, the bottom’s partner insists that a role reversal would be anything but harmonic.

“I’m sympathetic to the bottom’s desires and want nothing more than to make beautiful music together, but if the bottom one got on top I’d get fucking crippled. It’s not a matter of unheard needs, it’s just logistics,” said the top half of the hi-hat, adding that they are the 16-inch large size variety. “The bottom is way sturdier than I am. I was pounded to be thinner and crisper by the indentured servants in the Zildjian copper mines. Those enchanted blood mallets beat me mercilessly, and I can tell you that I feel no guilt whatsoever about claiming my rightful position.”

Hevierre, who bought the cymbals along with his drum kit in 2008, is doing his best to stay out of the whole thing.

“I’d never had a single piece of hardware complain about anything in all my years drumming for Critterhouse,” the drummer said. “The one time I put the top one on the bottom, I caught it right away and never even attached the bottom one, but I bet that’s what got the bottom one thinking. I know these kinds of dynamics really take a lot of communication and work to sustain, so I feel awful that I might have fucked that up.”

At press time the bottom half is still waiting for their opportunity as Hevierre is still waiting for a single show promoter to return a Twitter DM.