Fuck Yeah! Substitute Teacher Used To Be in The Mighty Mighty Bosstones

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

INDIANAPOLIS – Clearlake Elementary students were treated to a day of wholesome fun and learning when Sebastian Miller, former horn player for The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, subbed in a third-grade classroom.

“When I left the Bosstones to start a family, I had to find another job where entertaining weird kids that are stone cold sober was useful. My first thought was joining the Chuck E. Cheese band, but substitute teaching just felt right,” Mr. Miller explained while placing tiny plastic kazoos in every student’s cubby. “Plus, kids love putting on costumes and dancing to nonsense songs, and that was, like, our whole thing. Looking back, being in The Mighty Mighty Bosstones was amazing on-the-job-training training for substitute teaching. There’s almost no difference between ska fans and elementary school students.”

Students spoke highly of Mr. Miller’s ability to make learning fun despite being the only teacher in the building wearing a three piece suit and porkpie hat.

“Most substitute teachers smell like my grandma’s bathroom, but when Mr. Miller taught us the history of ska instead of phonics, I knew class was gonna be effin’ awesome,” local third grader Ruby Crosby shouted while dancing on her desk. “I know using respectful language is the Husky way, but Mr. Miller called me a ‘rascal king’ and said his first rule is to always have fun. Today I learned cussin’ feels pretty dang fun. I also learned Mr. Miller’s band is older than YouTube. He looks really good for such an old person.”

Clearlake Elementary band teacher Jackie Willard praised Mr. Miller’s ability to produce measurable scene advancements in such little time.

“Instead of taking students to performing arts classes with other teachers, Mr. Miller played a variety of horns and taught the kids how to skank,” Mrs. Willard beamed while pulling a small group of students to reteach them how to take the bass for a walk. “But then I realized his lessons are a cross-curricular blend of PE, history, antiracism, and music. I’ve been saying for years that ska should not be taught in isolation. Maybe the rest of the staff will work harder to create the fourth wave after seeing Mr. Miller’s example. The least they can do is wear a wallet chain and care about the fundamentals of skanking.”

At press time, Mr. Miller was unavailable for further comment because he was busy teaching students how to chug Mountain Dew and burp the alphabet backward.

Man Who Likes Everything But Rap and Country Admits He Forgot About Ska

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

NEW YORK — Self-described music enthusiast Robbie Rivera is in critical condition after realizing his previous statements about enjoying everything but rap and country failed to account for ska, sources report.

“Just because I like everything but rap and country doesn’t mean I’ve heard and loved everything else out there,” Rivera said while Googling ska for the first time. “I tell people that because I’m an open-minded guy who likes Taylor Swift and whatever heavy acts are on shirts in the Target men’s section, but nothing too controversial for my mom or too safe for my dad. Everything else is fair game, even the last few Weezer albums. But ska? I thought that was something my buddy made up to mess with me like Norwegian black metal. Guess I have to look that up now, too.”

Ska enthusiast Ian Lambert, who informed Rivera about the genre’s existence earlier today, condemned his ignorance of the influential subgenre.

“When you say you like everything but rap and country, I’m gonna assume ska falls under the everything part and offer you my extra Less Than Jake ticket,” Lambert said between bites of mozzarella sticks. “Now I’m not sure I even want to bring him along. By leaving ska off his list of exceptions, he’s basically pretended to enjoy it for years. He’s the ultimate poser. I should have known something was up when I brought up We Are The Union and he started going on about labor rights. What’s next, he tells me he hasn’t heard enough rap or country to write off two entire genres?”

Music critic Cameron Vaughn observed Rivera’s case as just one of many instances of someone claiming to be a fan of everything failing to account for ska.

“This is exactly why those claiming to like everything but rap and country cannot be trusted,” Vaughn said. “That statement implicitly endorses countless terrible subgenres while overlooking genuinely great rap and country songs like Megan Thee Stallion’s entire catalog and all those ballads about women killing their cheating husbands. But forgetting about ska is unforgivable. Not every ska artist is a great performer, but every great performer was once a ska artist. Just look up Oscar Isaac’s old bands, for Christ’s sake.”

At press time, Rivera confirmed he indeed liked ska after having the time of his life at a Mustard Plug show.

25 Worst Reel Big Fish Songs To Perform At Your Parole Hearing

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Due to unfortunate circumstances that are allegedly not your fault at all, you’ve found yourself at yet another parole hearing. Previous instances haven’t gone that well for you, so you’re considering spicing things up with a little song and dance. One of your favorite bands is Reel Big Fish, and they are known for their pragmatic lyricism that promotes second chances and level-headed emotional responses to life’s stressors. You should be warned that not all of the band’s songs are appropriate for the occasion. Before you strap on your acoustic guitar and warm up your pipes, here are 25 songs from the third-wave legends that you should consider skipping. (Listen to the playlist while you read, click here)

25. “Good Thing”

It’s important to remember what this hearing is about. You’re trying to reenter society and prove yourself capable of doing so. Your 10 year sentence is the opposite of a ‘good thing’ and you probably don’t want to suggest that you don’t want it to end. This song will do exactly that.

24. “Big Star”

Your delusions of grandeur might be part of the reason you thought you could get away with your crimes. If you actually were a big star, you might not even have to go through with this formality, but you’re not and you do. Sorry to break it to you, your band’s opening slot for that Specials cover band 10 years ago isn’t going to get you out of this one or anything else.

23. “I Should Know By Now”

Stating that you should know means that you don’t know. This is a bad look considering the whole point of this hearing is to demonstrate that you know it’s bad to knock over a Sheetz in a drunken stupor. This song is the equivalent of the shrug emoji and will suggest to the board that you intend to backslide the minute you get out of here. Skip it.

22. “I Know You Too Well To Like You Anymore”

You’ve never met a single person at this hearing. Well, you know Jeff because he’s a lifer and this isn’t your first rodeo, but that’s it. Given your unfamiliarity with most of those in charge, you should avoid making grand statements such as the chorus of this song.

21. “Maximum Swearing – Live”

First off, this isn’t even a song and it’s weird that you’ve memorized Aaron and Scott’s childish stage banter. Secondly, this is neither the time or place for even a little swearing, let alone maximum swearing. Grow up.

20. “Another F.U. Song”

Ugh. We literally just went over this, but I guess we have to drive the point home for you. The people on this board are professionals and they are expecting a certain level of respect. You get what you give, and no one here will appreciate the suggestion of fucking themselves with a rusty poll. Maybe Jeff will because he’s kinda freaky, but even he knows not to bring it up at a time like this.

19. “Your Girlfriend Sucks”

The relationship statuses of the parole board members is neither here nor there. Even if it were appropriate to give them a heads up that their partners are awful, how would you even know? Skip this one. The board doesn’t even know about your previous issues with stalking, so don’t give them the bait to look into it.

18. “The Good Old Days”

It’s natural to be nostalgic for a youth gone past, but your old days were never good. It’s important to express hope for your future at this hearing. Saying you want to go back to the mid-nineties when you were arguably at your worst is bound to get your parole denied and your sentence lengthened.

17. “Rock n’ Roll Is Bitchin’”

Rock n’ Roll is pretty bitchin’. We’re not here to argue that fact. While you might think reminding the board of the great American tradition that is hard rock will score you some points, it’s not really the right tone to set. If Reel Big Fish had a song called ‘While I Was Rowdy In My Past, I Prefer to Listen to NPR Now,’ that might grease the wheels. Sadly, they don’t, so let’s just move on.

16. “Call You”

Considering two of your ex’s still have active restraining orders against you, it’s probably not a great idea to whip out a tune that suggests you can’t think of anything but calling them up. Playing this one is just going to make the board think you’re dead set on returning to your old problematic ways. Also, it’s over, man. Just move on. Valerie certainly has.

15. “My Imaginary Friend”

Mental stability is something your parole board will be looking into very carefully in your case. Therefore, it’s probably not a great idea to talk about a friend that is a figment of your imagination fucking you over at every turn. Have you ever considered that the real imaginary friend might be yourself? Sorry to blow your mind, we’re just trying to help.

14. “Live Your Dream”

The board’s dream is that you will reenter society as a changed and redeemed person. You should be grateful to even be here. Don’t blow it by suggesting that you don’t appreciate the opportunity. It’s a brat move, and not in the trendy way that makes you look cool.

13. “You Don’t Know”

While it may be true that the parole board doesn’t know quite what it’s like to be you, you absolutely DO need their opinion. Chances are you need it to be a good one too. You’ll have a better chance at getting this if you don’t tell them to fuck off and shove their heads back up their asses.

12. “Everyone Else Is An Asshole”

It’s a good thing to convince the board that you are accountable for your actions and have learned from your previous mistakes. The second you start this song up, it will be clear that you have done neither. It may be a hard pill to swallow, but sometimes you are in fact the asshole.

11. “Pissed Off”

While you may be feeling a flurry of emotions at this thing, it’s important to keep a calm demeanor. You won’t get far if you call the parole board cheaters, liars, thieves, and other colorful terms. These accusations are not only unfounded, but could apply to yourself. If you’re not careful, some people in the room will see your rendition of this one as an inward projection. Not in a good way, mind you.

10. “Everything Is Cool”

Anger management has always been difficult for you. You’ve made great strides at correcting this, and you might want to give the board a musical interpretation of your journey. Considering the rapid mood shifts of this song, you should probably look elsewhere. Though likely to be moved by your performance, the board will still have problems with the lyrics and doubt your progress. Skip it.

9. “Valerie”

It’s never a good idea to publically air a grudge in a highly dramatic fashion. It’s an even worse idea to do so in front of people who are tasked with deciding your societal faith. Maybe stray away from a song with lyrics that blame your ex by name for all of your woes.

8. “Your Guts (I Hate ‘Em)”

Even if you hate every member of the parole board with a passion, you must do your best to keep this to yourself. Jeff will be so hurt by this song he’ll end the hearing prematurely, leaving you to a life behind bars. And Jeff’s like, a really nice guy. Why would you want to do that to him?

7. “Everybody’s Drunk”

One of the reasons you’re in this predicament is the fact that your last house party somehow managed to cause millions of dollars in property damage to your surrounding neighbors. Everyone loves a good time, but you might not want to seem like you’re bragging about all of those broken windows and totaled cars.

6. “The Bad Guy”

The board is looking for signs that you’ve renounced your past ways and have cultivated a more wholesome personality. They’re also probably looking for remorse. Unless you plan on changing the lyrics in a Weird Al meets sincere type of parody version, you should probably avoid singing things like ‘I’m the bad guy’ and ‘I’m not sorry I let you down.’

5. “Say Ten”

The closing lines of this track are as follows: ‘I’d eat people if it was legal.’ While you might think acknowledging that cannibalism is illegal will get you a pass on this one, the board will probably be concerned you brought it up at all.

4. “Drunk Again”

You managed to keep your toilet wine hustle a secret up until this point. Quite frankly, the board already had their suspicions given your red teeth and your intermittent blindness. The last thing you need right now is an admission of intoxication. Try not to poke the bear here by playing this one.

3. “Drinkin’”

While we’re on the subject, part of your proposed parole agreement is that you will stay at least 100 yards away from any liquor stores or bars. Therefore, we don’t recommend loudly proclaiming your plan to break that provision as soon as your feet touch the outside. The world isn’t letting you down, you are.

2. “Beer”

During your last bender, you passed out on the floor of a TJ Maxx. If we remember correctly, that certainly didn’t stop anyone from bothering you. Best not to conjure up this image or threaten to do it again at this hearing. This is more about demonstrating growth.

1. “Skatanic”

Absolutely not. You might be feeling the need to express your desire to be liked, or even loved, by the parole board. Perhaps you want to show them how passionate you are about proving yourself worthy. These can both be good things, but you might not want to suggest that you’ll stalk them until they do. You certainly don’t want to say things like ‘I’m gonna make you love me no matter what you say’. You’re already in enough hot water, don’t be a terrifying creep on top of it.

Listen to the playlist:

Right Wing Ska Band Flying “Thin Checkered Line” Flag

Posted on by Matt Husser

AMARILLO, Texas — Right wing ska band ‘The Outska Josey Wales’ announced their new political message at a recent show after unveiling a ‘thin checkered line’ flag, enthused sources confirmed.

“Every time we grab our horns and take that stage we’re laying our lives on the line to protect law-abiding rude boys from total anarchy punk, and that’s what the ‘thin checkered line’ flag represents,” said Outska Josey Wales frontman Clint Walsh, adjusting his Punisher logo fedora. “The woke mob might keep trying to cancel us by not coming to any of our shows, but our upbeat brand of right-wing ska is waking up the true patriots one honk at a time. And if you don’t like it, we’ll put a checkered van up your ass, courtesy of the U.S. of A.”

Local punk Tom Pearson was familiar with the ska band after performing at the same gigs in the past, but had noticed that the band had recently become more outwardly conservative.

“I don’t know what happened, I used to see them at shows and they seemed like pretty normal dudes—well, normal for a ska band—but in the last few years they took this hard right turn. Now they keep ranting about how reggae is too woke, and try to start ‘Skall Lives Matter’ chants with the crowd,” said Pearson. “It’s kinda hard to take their message seriously when they give this big speech and then the trombonist starts dancing during their song ‘The Skank Replacement Theory’.”

Harvey Gleason, head of the Brass Militia record label, explained that the band was part of a new patriotic ska wave sweeping the nation.

“We’re assembling an army of proud Skamerican patriots to take back this nation from the criminals and the immigrants, and we have bands like Streetlight Manifest Destiny and Toot Nukem that are ready to answer the call,” said Gleason, posting his musical manifesto to X (formerly Twitter). “The sheeple can keep putting their heads in the sand, but our right-wing populist ska wave can’t be denied any longer—once Trump is back in the White House, our Brass Militia will Make America Skank Again.”

The Outska Josey Wales later announced they would be expanding their merch line with yellow ‘Don’t Skank On Me’ flags.

Oh No! This Company Has a Zero Tolerance Policy Against Workplace Bullying But They Just Hired a Guy Who’s Into Ska

Posted on by Doug Kolic

ATLANTA — Local man Joshua Kennedy recently expressed frustration that his employer instituted a new zero-tolerance policy against workplace harassment just days before hiring somebody deep into ska, according to nearby sources who shared his resentment.

“Just my luck! This place finally got with the times and created a new company-wide no-bullying policy but then they went out and hired a fucking rude boy who I’ve confirmed has more than one fedora,” stated Kennedy. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s not cool to harass anyone for things like race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, any of that stuff. But ska? I mean, come on. This Bret guy showed up to his first day on rollerblades wearing an Aquabats T-shirt, and we’re not supposed to say anything? That’s just cruel.”

Hiring Manager Stella Von Engeman explained that she wasn’t aware of the new hire’s musical preferences.

“I honestly had no clue Bret was into such lame shit,” said Von Engeman. “Other than him wearing checkered suspenders to the interview and that his backpack was full of cheese sticks, there were no other warning signs. He probably hid that part of himself because he was worried we might blackball him if we knew the truth, and he’s damn right we would have. Still, the new policy is what it is, so we need to accept the fact that we now have a colleague who wears hideous clothing and who practices his trombone in the employee lounge, and there’s nothing any of us can do except quit.”

HR Expert Gareth DePaul explained how those who like to “pick it up” are forcing businesses to rethink their guidelines.

“While most employees appreciate working in a safe environment, that appreciation does not extend to goofy-ass people killing the office vibe with their tiresome puns and relentlessly positive demeanor,” stated DePaul. “The fact that these people are infiltrating organizations is causing such low morale that many companies are instituting special clauses allowing their staff to unload on these fools. It’s like having a rage room but directed at skankers. Take my word for it, it’s very therapeutic.”

At press time, coworkers were heard groaning as Bret was seen at the vending machine asking anyone if they wanted any “Skattles.”

Bob Dylan Wondering if It’s Too Late to Do a Genre-Defining Ska Album

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

MALIBU, Calif. — Legendary singer-songwriter Bob Dylan, the genius behind albums like “Highway 61 Revisited,” “Time Out of Mind” and “Blood on the Tracks” is considering trying to fulfill a career-long aspiration of recording a genre-defining ska album, sources close to the aging musician confirmed.

“A lotta people asked me why I refused my Nobel prize a few years back,” said a somehow still-alive Dylan. “It’s because my work is not complete. I always thought I could bring peace to the generations through moshing and skanking. Nobody knows this, but ‘Blowin’ in the Wind’ originally had a rocksteady beat and ‘The Ballad of Hollis Brown’ was essentially reggae. He was supposed to be living on a failing Mary Jane farm.”

One of Dylan’s close friends, the legendary Joan Baez, was surprisingly calm about his announcement.

“This isn’t news to me. He used to have me listen to his strange unreleased songs,” said Baez. “He had tracks called ‘Like a Rolling Skank’ and ‘Hey Mr. Rude Boy Man’ and ‘From a Scooter 6.’ Really odd stuff,” said Baez. “I used to say to him, ‘Bobby, I don’t know if you can get away with this. I don’t know what any of this means.’ He’d just turn to me and say: ‘To Ramona’ needs a real walking bass-line.’ I didn’t think he was well.”

Dylan scholars such as Charlie Ducktrow have been surprisingly receptive to the proposed change of sound.

“I know it seems baffling to have a bunch of skin-head rude-boys playing along with ‘Visions of Johanna.’ I certainly find it a little off-putting,” said Ducktrow. “But think about it this way: the Gaslight Anthem’s already covered some of his songs. And even if it’s terrible, it can’t be any worse than some of his 80s output. As long as there’s no bone-heads in the mix, I think it’ll all be fine.”

At press time, Dylan was meeting with record producers to see about “finding some bootboys with trumpets to really fuck up ‘Peggy Day.’”

Top 15 Ska Songs That Would Make David Fincher’s “The Killer” Way More Entertaining

Posted on by Victor Gonzalez

“Fight Club.” “The Social Network.” “Gone Girl.” “Se7en.” Classic after classic, David Fincher never missed. That is until he came out with this snoozefest of a film, “The Killer” starring Michael Fassbender as a yoga enthusiast serial killing hitman. That’s already too much. “I was really considering switching the soundtrack to include ska instead of The Smiths, but the studio shut down the idea,” said David Fincher when discussing the music choices for the film. So we did the work for him. Here are the top 15 Ska songs David Fincher should have chosen.

PS: We would warn you about spoilers but let’s be honest, if you haven’t watched the movie by now you were never really going to.

15. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones “The Impression That I Get”

The ‘90s are hot right now. From fashion to film cameras to the anticipation of total societal collapse. So why not open up this movie with a good throwback to the ‘90s with this classic? This would be a great way to set the tone of the film to be more viewer friendly. It’d be impossible to turn the movie off with this playing in the back.

14. Jeff Rosenstock “NO TIME TO SKANK”

Nothing better encapsulates existentialism, career, and the spirit of ska in one song as this one. With Fassbender’s character being dreaded with his life choices and making mistake after mistake, Jeff and this character would have quite a lot to talk about. The lyrics, “exploiting all my deep narcissistic tendencies,” would resonate hard with the titular killer.

13. Bruce Lee Band “If I Could Only Listen to My Heart”

The Killer was constantly listening to his heart in the film. Reading his heart rate, following his heart throughout the movie. So why not add this song to the mix? The reason his heart rate was so high was because he was listening to the wrong music, duh! Nothing calms me down more than putting on some good old classic Mike Park. Clearly David Fincher fumbled this one.

12. Sublime “Wrong Way”

Guaranteed that if The Killer was listening to this song for the first kill, he wouldn’t have missed. The timing on this song is impeccable and would have let the character focus so much more. If he was listening to this and never missed his shot, the movie would have been over in ten minutes. And to be honest, that would have been a hell of a lot better than the two extra hours we got after that scene.

11. Dance Hall Crashers “Lost Again”

This sound would have fit perfectly in the scene where Tilda Swinton retold that God-awful bear/hunter joke. What the hell was that joke even about? Who jokes around when they’re face-to-face with a murderer? Tilda clearly misread the room. However, with this song, it would tie everything together by uplifting the mood and maybe helping that joke land a bit better. Notice how Fassbender didn’t laugh? Needed some higher tempo.

10. Mustard Plug “You”

Any movie that features this banger of a song would automatically earn a 10/10 by the Academy. This should have been one of the main featured songs instead of turning the mood down with the Smiths. Notice how “The Killer” did not receive any Oscar nominations? It would be a different story if they added this song instead. Take note filmmakers.

9. Skankin’ Pickle “Special Brew”

Anyone in their right mind would choose this song over any song from The Smiths. I bet half the money on the budget was spent on the licensing of the music. They could have saved a lot if they opted for aka instead, they practically give this stuff away. Then they could have used that extra money to hire a better writer for this. There I said it. Hollywood I’ll be waiting for your call. I’m obviously unemployed so I’m available whenever.

8. The Aquabats “Super Rad!”

This song has helped me through the toughest times in my life. My first heartbreak, my grandfather’s passing, losing my custody battle. So there’s no reason why this song couldn’t save this movie from being such a snoozefest. Even if they randomly added this to the final scene, it would win anyone over.

7. Operation Ivy “Sound System”

We can’t make a ska list without including Operation Ivy. This really is just an entry to once again plead for the band to get back together and give the people what they want. What David Fincher should have done was to add this song during the nail gun scene. That scene was far too gruesome for some. This song would have lightened up the mood and made the murder more tolerable.

6. The Specials “A Message to You Rudy”

This song would have been perfect during the final boss confrontation scene. Just by the pure fact that The Killer didn’t even kill the final guy in charge of calling the hits. Who does that? He killed everyone else with no regard. But for this guy he spares his life? Left everyone watching being like “What the fuck?” So to make this better, this song should have been playing. Along with making Michael Fassbender say “Stop your messing around.”

5. No Doubt “Sunday Morning”

Honestly we just want to add this here to remind you that Gwen Stefani used to be in a ska band.

4. Rancid “Time Bomb”

This song’s meaning perfectly encapsulates the film’s plot. It’s almost as if this song was made for a plot like this. David Fincher, what were you thinking leaving this one out? Omission of this song is clearly one of the biggest mistakes in history, it’s on par with the burning of the Library of Alexandria. Leaving us with the biggest “What if?” Of all time.

3. Reel Big Fish “Take On Me”

This song proves, without an ounce of doubt, that making anything into ska makes it a million times better. This song has the power to change anything using the spirit of ska. To be quite honest, someone could make the argument that this should be the National Anthem. This captures the spirit of America better than any other modern song. How I envy anyone listening to this for the first time.

2. Goldfinger “Here In Your bedroom”

Hollywood has always had a severe lack of ska. And what better way to introduce the power of Ska in a film than with this classic third wave Ska song. It would transform Michael Fassbender from a existential mass murdering heartless maniac into an angsty teenager upset that his parents wouldn’t let him borrow the car. Which character sounds more interesting to you? Exactly.

1. Catch 22 “Dear Sergio”

Specifically if they added this fast-paced song on top of that intense Brute fight scene, but also change it up to make Michael Fassbender and Brute skanking instead of fighting. As exciting as fight scenes are, there are way too many in Hollywood. Bring on some skanking. And with modern day CGI, make the dog skank too.

Man Coming Out of 20-Year Coma Horrified World Still Hasn’t Eradicated Tuberculosis or Ska

Posted on by Doug Kolic

SUNNYVALE, Calif. — A local man who miraculously woke up from a two-decade-long coma was horrified to learn that the world was still burdened by plagues like tuberculosis and ska, according to nearby sources who couldn’t really disagree.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to be alive, but I can’t believe there are still so many horrible afflictions in this world,” stated 47-year-old Danny Walker. “The last thing I remember before crashing into that tree was listening to a radio news report about a deadly TB outbreak in South America. I mistakenly figured that this disease would have surely been eradicated by now. Even more concerning, though, is that I found out a bigger evil, Reel Big Fish, was also still amongst us. How the hell is this possible? It kind of makes me wish I was still in that coma. Thankfully, ska doesn’t exist when you’re in a deep state of continuous unconsciousness.”

The man’s older brother, Bobby Walker, was present when he awoke.

“When they told me he was finally awake, I couldn’t believe it!” said the 52-year-old sibling. “He seemed really surprised that humans weren’t able to cure every single disease yet, but when we told him that Less Than Jake was unfortunately still very much alive, he got really aggressive and had to be sedated. I know he should just be grateful that he’s still among the living and not worry about goofy-ass music, but I see his point. I told him to look on the bright side, hopefully the upcoming apocalypse will finally take it out.”

Infectious disease expert Kate Tidesdale explained that she was worried about dangerous strains of music.

“We need to do a better job trying to contain genres of music like ska or we’ll eventually reach the point of no return,” said Tidedale. “A lot of things keep us disease experts up at night, but nothing is as frightening as seeing new clusters of checker-wearing bands pop up all over the place. Considering the globe was just shut down for years because of Covid, you’d think we’d be more proactive about eliminating any other threats, but the fact you can log onto Spotify and listen to The Mighty Mighty Bosstones any time you want, makes me think we’re all doomed.”

At press time, Walker tried to jump out of the window when he heard country rap was still a thing.

“Sing Like No One is Listening, Dance Like No One is Watching” Sums Up Ska Band’s Last Five Shows

Posted on by Matt Husser

HARTFORD, Conn. — Struggling ska band ‘The Skadventures of Tromb Sawyer’ is reportedly taking the saying ‘sing like no one is listening, dance like no one is watching’ as their new mantra after failing to draw a crowd for their last five shows, sources confirmed.

“It’s hard to stay upbeat when not a single person has shown up to our gigs for three weeks, but this quote always helps me get back out there and skank my heart out anyways,” said frontman Barry Bloom, looking at the tattoo of the quote on his forearm. “If ska has taught me anything, it’s that life has its ups and downs, but if we choose to focus on the upstrokes we can always overcome the downbeats. Man, that was actually a pretty good saying, I hope someone shows up to our next show so I can use that as banter between songs.”

Brent Clausen, the bartender working at the venue during their latest empty gig, was the sole witness to the band’s depressing show of perseverance.

“The courage they displayed getting up there and skanking in front of an empty venue and singing to no one but each other was simultaneously the most heroic and saddest display I’ve ever seen,” said Clausen, using a bar rag to wipe a tear of sadness from one eye and a tear of laughter from another. “I was honestly so inspired that I contemplated quitting to follow my passion as an artist. But then I remembered no one showed up to my last five gallery showings, so I just poured myself a shot of Jack Daniels and finished my shift.”

According to local historian Beth Stevens, the saying that had been uplifting people for centuries was actually credited to the author Mark Twain, and was inspired by his love of ska.

“According to his private journals Mark Twain was a massive ska fan, and he originally coined this iconic saying while skanking alone in his residence while listening to early proto-ska records on his phonograph,” said Stevens, displaying one of the author’s checkered bow ties from the Mark Twain Center’s collection. “He mostly kept this part of his life private, but the signs were always there — I mean tell me the name ‘Huckleberry Finn’ doesn’t sound like something a ska fan came up with.”

At press time, historians also confirmed that the quote “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” by the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu was about learning to skank at an ancient ska show.

Man Forces Romantic Partners to Sign NDA About His Love of Ska

Posted on by Doug Kolic

BALTIMORE — Local resident Gavin Moldenhauer is reportedly demanding all romantic partners sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement to keep his obsession with ska music secret, according to sources seeking legal advice.

“Coming from a very prominent family, it’s important that I don’t do anything to embarrass them,” Moldenhauer stated as he watched the “Shark Fighter!” music video on loop. “My dad said if I ever wanted to take over the business I needed to keep a clean public image, so I have no choice but to get women to legally promise not to mention that I love to skank it up. I was born a rude boy and I’ll die a rude boy, but in the meantime, I need to suppress it otherwise pops will cut me out. Plus, it’s not like I’m a murderer or anything, though my family might actually prefer that to my love of Mustard Plug.”

Former fiancée Billie Parker described how she felt when he presented her with one such contract.

“At first I thought he just wanted me to sign a prenup, but then he broke down like a little bitch and revealed that he was much deeper into ska than the few Fishbone CDs he owned, and that if I wanted to get married I’d have to take this info to my grave,” said Parker. “I lost a lot of respect for him that day, not because he tried to force me into any legal arrangements, but because he showed me a Reel Big Fish song while physically dancing to it. I could have handled it if his secret was something cooler like he committed identity theft once, but certainly not that dork shit.”

Legal expert Paul Buchanan explained that NDAs involving embarrassing music are very common.

“Though most of the NDAs we normally do involve privileged information between employers and employees, we also see a lot of them dealing with private citizens trying to keep their sad musical taste under wraps,” stated Buchanan. “In the early 2000s we had a lot of clients wanting them drafted to hide their love of Creed, and most recently we had a distinguished physician who forced his staff to sign one so the public wouldn’t find out that he was Juggalo for life. A patient did eventually figure that one out after he woke up from surgery with a crushed can of Diet Moon Mist in his abdominal cavity.”

At press time, Moldenhauer updated his NDAs to include Kid Rock, which he totally forgot he was into for a brief time in middle school.