Doctors these days! I’ve been having migraines now for six months and I finally went to see a doctor about them after a particularly bad…
MIAMI — Local sales associate Alice Thompson recently filed for workers’ compensation after claiming her retail store made her perform under “‘vigorous conditions” due to…
DURHAM, N.C. — Allegedly ill punk Tommy Donnelly has taken to his deathbed, which is also his roommate’s used futon, with only enough strength to…
WASHINGTON — Ailing Senator Dianne Feinstein worried Senate colleagues when she made shocking remarks defending Michale Graves’ tenure fronting the Misfits, horrified Washington insiders have…
Listen up, you self-employed sociopaths! Is post-nasal drip getting you down? Do you lose feeling in your feet every single time you yawn because you’re…
With the price of eggs continuing to soar, many consumers are naturally looking for cost-saving alternatives. Well, we wish we could tell you that vegan…
SENECA FALLS, N.Y. — Local grocery store shift manager, Jane Nerrow, is suspicious as to why several of her employees claimed the odd smell they…
LOS ANGELES — Notorious punk rock ghoul Matt Skiba was spotted monotonously saying the phrase “I’m a spooky boy” over and over to his own…
ATLANTA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention director Rochelle Walensky released a new set of guidelines for St. Patrick’s Day revelers prepared to…
NEW CASTLE, Del. — An unnamed man was arrested and taken into custody under the suspicion of “potentially having committed any heinous, violent act imaginable”…
LOS ANGELES — Stardust Diner, the latest 1950s style diner to open in Burbank, reportedly glosses over some key facts and historical realities, sources who…
PERTH AMBOY, N.J. — Friends and family of local punk Ricky Ballstead report he is aging “like a fine PBR” and very much proud about…
VARESE, Italy — Macy Ridge, lead singer of Baltimore punk band Forced Circumcision, embarked on her first solo tour of Europe to get free medical…
WALTHAM, Mass. — A recent study published by the New England Journal of Medicine found that women who date men over the age of 40…
First of all, its name is Jeremy. And second, I don’t care if it can literally melt my skin while asphyxiating me to death if…