GILROY, Calif. — 13-year-old Matthew Staller’s social standing has not improved at all since his middle school closed down last month, the seventh-grader quietly reported…
All you kids these days, with your “Animal Crossing” and your one-and-done stimulus payments, think you’re so fucking cool just because you lost your job…
NEW YORK — The residents of New York City have begun applauding out their windows every single day at three in the morning to celebrate…
Weeks of shelter-in-place left one unlucky man’s sleep schedule completely turned around! James Walters, a thirty-year-old father of one and the only person on the…
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Federal Government announced today that, due to a plummeting economy related to the COVID-19 pandemic, it will layoff three states in…
ATLANTA — AMC Theatres announced today that they will begin reopening locations across Georgia as the state begins relaxing its restrictions on non-essential businesses. Additionally,…
SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Following the order to continue sheltering in place for the next 30 days, local woman Autumn Adkins will battle the deadly…
ST. LOUIS — Local punk Luke Koester downgraded his live-in romantic partner Samatha Tsai from “girlfriend” to “roommate” yesterday following weeks of forced cohabitation with…
LANSING, Mich. — Local punk Diana Spalsbury purchased 100 boxes of semi-permanent hair dye yesterday, just for the pair of disposable gloves that come inside…
Where are all the new ideas?! Every movie is the same tired plot. Every TV show is full of unoriginal characters who we’ve seen over…
ALBANY, N.Y. — Roommates Jonah Gray and Nic Shore have become fast friends under New York State’s PAUSE order by simply reinforcing each other’s drinking…
NEW YORK — Quarantined Manhattan resident Jesse Whittle is reportedly replaying Spider-Man on the PlayStation 4 just to remember what it was like to walk…
LINCOLN, Neb. — Local stoner Dan “Stems” Thompson overcame the crushing despair of social isolation today by attempting to create a one-person drum circle while…
ATLANTA — Fate Embrace merch guy Edgar Byrd stood aimlessly behind his kitchen table for hours earlier this week in an attempt to work from…
NORTHPORT, N.Y. — 17-year-old Alex Powell’s LSD stash was flushed down the toilet moments ago and will be replaced with a weekend full of “learning…