DOVER, Del. — A local townie and currently wasted-off-his-ass scallop is rambling on about the time his rubbery body was hurled across the room by…
DALLAS — Laid off mall security guard and avid Pantera fan Jamie Gunderson has essentially torn his apartment down to the studs with his fists…
CHICAGO — Local man Shaun Clemens is reportedly planning to spend St. Patrick’s Day in his usual leprechaun costume, drinking alone in his room this…
WASHINGTON — As the infection rates and death counts throughout the nation continue to slowly creep upwards, citizens throughout the United States have begun to…
BOSTON — Local woman Jenna Jenkins allegedly made uncomfortable small talk with herself yesterday while self-administering a haircut at home, sources making an embarrassing attempt…
CHICAGO — PUSHback frontman Chris Sheppard is now completely unrecognizable to his close friends and peers after not having gone to the gym throughout the…
DALY CITY, Calif. — Local man Kevin Aguilar is completely unaware that his seemingly happy, long-term relationship will come to a swift and decisive end…
AKRON, Ohio — Podcaster Briana Giraud spent a full two hours setting up and testing her $2,000 audio rig in preparation for a casual Zoom…
MUNCIE, Ind. – World-renowned, curmudgeonly orange cat Garfield has forgotten which day of the week he famously hates due to prolonged quarantine, comic strip sources…
FREDERICK, Md. — Longtime punk band Booger Eater realized yesterday that it’s been over 10 months since they occupied a stage at a local bar…
MARQUETTE, Mich. — Local resident Jessica Stabley recently watched 85 episodes of a television series she doesn’t even like, purely due to quarantine-induced boredom, sources…
WREXHAM, U.K. — Increasingly unhinged survivalist and television host Bear Grylls used a serrated, fixed-blade knife yesterday to cut open his mattress and climb inside…
SAN JOSE, Calif. — Quarantined suitor Gabe Dawson canceled his highly anticipated Zoom date with “hot barista Dylan” last night after spending 45 minutes as…
HOUSTON — Locked-down towns across America are seeing record levels of citizens dressing up as famed frontman Glenn Danzig following months of little to no…
BETHESDA, Md. — Uber Eats is critically overburdened by President Trump’s quarantine and is begging for FEMA assistance after just a few days, according to…