ELGIN, Ill. — Local graphic designer Oliver Boone sat in his parked car for approximately 10 hours yesterday, catching up on the podcasts he usually…
CHICAGO — Levi Tanaka, bassist and lead vocalist of technical death metal band Rodeus, issued an apology today via Facebook Live for “Decimate the Weak…
SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS — Professors at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft admit they’re struggling with teaching students remotely via Zoom several months into a devastating outbreak of…
WASHINGTON — The new viral bombshell “Plandemic” has revealed a simple, shocking truth: that all of your friends are dribbling, incognizant fucking morons who are…
ST. LOUIS — Local punk band Dead Houseplants will play Locust Street’s Fubar in exchange for free exposure to COVID-19 yesterday after Missouri leadership gave…
SEATTLE — A new model from the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation at the University of Washington shows that the patience of local woman…
KALAMAZOO, Mich. — Margery Watson’s annual Mother’s Day breakfast-in-bed was obstructed by her unsightly ventilator due to complications from an advanced case of COVID-19, depressed…
SPANISH FORT, Ala. — Millennial Thomas Cervantes proudly stated today that he’s old enough to remember when MTV still played “Room Raiders” and other reality…
DES MOINES, Iowa — Local Klan member and conservative activist David Mount has changed his views on wearing masks in public following recent stay-at-home orders…
DULUTH, Minn. — Local couple Alice Parker and Shaun McCoy announced the reunification of their relationship today, after having already broken up and reconciled twice…
NEW YORK — NBA commissioner Adam Silver is using the league’s ongoing suspension due to COVID-19 to finally add “no dogs” to the official rulebook,…
NEW YORK — Local man David Treyborn realized today, while testing the flow of the new bidet attachment he purchased as a low-waste alternative to…
GLENSIDE, Penn. — A new report from the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention states that a majority of American’s are still battling to find…
NEW YORK — Quarantined high school bully Evan Maddox, under stay-at-home orders for the past three weeks, gave himself swirlies yesterday out of desperation, amused…
ATLANTA — Georgia Governor Brian Kemp announced that the state will close hospitals, re-open bars, and “just let God do his thing or whatever he’s…