DALLAS — Local Rude Boy Rodney Willet acknowledged his privilege to the world yesterday by confessing that in his years on Earth, he’s never once…
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — A belligerent swarm of locusts unexpectedly stormed the presidential debate stage on Thursday landing directly on Donald Trump’s head and remaining there…
ST. PAUL, Minn. — Local man and alleged “Dove Soap-loving jagoff” Dan Paulson thinks he’s “king shit of hygiene town” all because he wakes up…
LONDON — Oasis founding member Liam Gallagher has tested positive for COVID-19, and is finally willing to reconcile with his brother Noel as long as…
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local 32-year-old Brendan Muller decided today that he will stand perfectly still whenever he is in the presence of others in hopes…
PLAINSVILLE, Iowa — Local virgin Andy Wardell grew concerned yesterday that his future sexual intercourse may resemble the acts described in any of the Cannibal…
ATHENS, Ga. — A boomer-aged couple announced today their coordinated effort to vote in the upcoming presidential election for the candidate who appears on TV…
SUITLAND, Md. — The United States Census Bureau issued a sharp reminder to crust punks today to stop counting wild animals such as raccoons as…
CHICAGO — Veteran emo-punk band Alkaline Trio has returned to the studio to brainstorm vaguely gothic puns to title their forthcoming album, sources fond of…
DENVER — Your boyfriend of two years claimed yesterday, in a “totally gross” and “most definitely insincere” showering of affection, that he loves you and…
SEATTLE — Dedicated grandfather and unapologetic metalhead Lyle Makowski carved the names of his two grandsons, Henry and Mitchell, on his forearm last week, shocked…
BALTIMORE — 17-year-old active shooter and local white boy Tyler Dunsky was sentenced today to no Xbox privileges for a whole week following a recent…
Hey there, little guy. I’m your uncle, John, but everyone calls me Bonez. So… what colors you like? Nothing? Okay then, what’s your favorite Disney…
PHOENIX — 45-year-old punk rocker and local senior accountant Danny Rogers was spotted yesterday afternoon circling the “A” on a weekly PNL report during a…
GHENT, N.Y. — Beloved family Golden Retriever, Pretzel, was sent to an expansive 80-acre upstate farm earlier this week where she was summarily executed via…