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Mission Impossible 7 and 8 Delayed Upon News of Xenu’s Return

LOS ANGELES — Production of two new “Mission Impossible” films came to a grinding halt after Tom Cruise received news that dictator of the galactic confederacy Xenu’s return is imminent, Paramount Studio executives have reported.

“The ‘Mission Impossible’ franchise has been our cash cow for over 25 years now, and the one time we decided to roll two of them into one production Tom has become convinced that a serial murderer from planet Zorp Zop is about to unleash deadly space lasers and only he can stop it. Excuse me for not getting the fucking memo,” said studio head Brian Robbins. “I don’t know what bullshit intergalactic transmissions his buddies at Gold Base have been relaying to him, but we can’t take a hit like this. Of course we took out an insurance policy for every conceivable disaster under the sun except for aliens attacking our studio with bad vibes.”

The ramifications of the shutdown have had a ripple effect through Hollywood, as crew members have suddenly found themselves out of a job.

“I moved all the way here from a backwater town in Tennessee to pursue my dream of working in movies, and I worked every shitty job I could find before landing what I thought was the entry-level gig of a lifetime. That is, until the ‘aliens’ arrived,” said PA Tom Chambers. “I thought I’d be doing stuff like grabbing coffee orders or picking up dry cleaning, not running to Home Depot for materials to build battle armor for my mom’s celebrity crush. My question is, will he still be doing his own stunts when he’s trying to stab space invaders with a trowel tied to a PVC pipe?”

The Church of Scientology attempted to quash rumors that the almost billion-dollar production has been single-handedly shut down by their biggest star.

“Tom is one of the greatest actors of this or any generation, and his dedication to his craft goes beyond method acting. The films are on a temporary pause so that he can prepare his body for the grueling 12 hours scenes which will happen to take place in the exosphere above an active volcano,” said church spokesperson Michelle Dennings while loading a rifle. “We do not foresee this as a long-term setback, as even the definitely hypothetical report of a certain out-of-this-world, genocidal warlord escaping from his secret mountain prison shouldn’t impede production of several future projects.”

As of press time, Paramount immediately restarted production of the films after replacing Cruise with the much more expendable John Travolta.