Press "Enter" to skip to content

Local Man Only Drinks on Weekends Except for Special Occasions and Weekdays

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local man Will Chalke shared his health-conscious drinking regime this morning, noting that – in order to keep himself in check – he only drinks on weekends, except of course for special occasions, and also weekdays.

“It’s really important not to overdo it. That’s why I keep weekday drinking to a minimum, reserving only for birthdays, or work outings, or it being a little cloudy out,” noted Chalke, hoping that the eye doctor he’s seeing after work has beer on tap. “Full moon? Gotta drink, would be bad luck not to. Cold out? Hot toddies are nature’s blanket. Townhall meeting for a city I don’t live in airing on C-SPAN? It’s my democratic duty to get so hammered that I permanently alter my DNA.”

Liquor store owner Ashley Tummerop admits she is always making sure to keep her shelves well-stocked in case Chalke makes one of his 12 to 16 daily visits.

“Will’s patronage has changed my life,” noted Tummerop, from the deck of her newly purchased yacht. “He always comes in with some insane excuse about how he’s allowed to have a little nip because it’s two months until his mom’s birthday or something. I mean, I didn’t even know there was an International Cats Who Are Not Scared of the Bath Day. But I let it slide because… I mean, come on, this boat has a combination grill/hot tub.”

Chalke’s personal life coach, Billy Gup, swears that his insane list of exceptions is all part of a bigger plan.

“It’s important to set limits for yourself I follow a similar code myself. I only smoke weed after work — unless of course I’m on my way to work, or on a break, or if nobody’s in the employee bathroom,” claimed Gup, author of the book “How to Just Kinda Do Whatever You Want.” “You need to have boundaries if you expect to lead a healthy, sustainable lifestyle. Now if you’ll excuse me, it just switched from a.m. to p.m. in Europe, which means I simply must light up.”

At press time, Chalke was seen chastising his friend for cheating on their diet, while drinking straight from a bourbon bottle in “celebration” of his daughter’s currently-happening christening.