News Tag Archives - Page 5

BREAKING: Hometown Getting a Panera

John Danek • February 13, 2023

LOCK HAVEN, Pa. — Residents of the central Pennsylvania town of Lock Haven are freaking the fuck out that a…

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Sex Offender Going Door to Door Telling Neighbors He’s Running for Congress

Sean Fallon • November 7, 2022

TAMPA, Fla. — Registered sex offender Owen Blevins repeated a familiar process of going door to door in his local…

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Prince Andrew Wondering if Queen’s Funeral Will Be All-Ages

Doug Kolic • September 18, 2022

LONDON – Prince Andrew, Duke of York, is reportedly pestering the entire staff of Buckingham Palace to ask if his…

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Texas Punk Using Gov. Abbott Migrant Bus for Free Trip to New York City

Patrick Coyne • September 15, 2022

SAN ANTONIO — Local punk Issah Rooney is taking advantage of Governor Abbott’s cruel and inhumane policy of busing migrants…

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Managers at Pediatric Blood Farm That Keeps Queen Alive Prepare for Layoffs

The Hard Times Staff • September 8, 2022

LONDON — Upper-level managers at a clandestine facility specializing in removing blood from young children and pumping it into Queen…

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InfoWars Studio Now a Spirit Halloween

Chris Bowen • September 4, 2022

AUSTIN,Texas. —Beloved holiday superstore Spirit Halloween quickly moved into the vacant spot where InfoWars once stood after Alex Jones was…

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Alex Jones Alleges Sandy Hook Defamation Trial Never Happened

Bobby Korec • August 29, 2022

AUSTIN, Texas — America’s premier far-right conspiracy theorist Alex Jones alleged that the Sandy Hook defamation trial, for which he…

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DNC Pissed Joe Biden Did Something to Kinda Help People

John Danek • August 27, 2022

WASHINGTON — Leaders within the Democratic National Committee are furious that President Joe Biden took action in a way that…

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Hundreds of Nuclear Weapons Documents Found at Mar-a-Lago with Hillary Clinton’s Name Hastily Scribbled on Them

Ben Friedman • August 12, 2022

PALM BEACH, Fla. –The Federal Bureau of Investigation recovered stacks of highly-classified nuclear weapons documents with “Hillary Clinton” written in…

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Senate Candidate John Fetterman Supports Medicare for All the Motherfuckers in the Back

Patrick Coyne • July 28, 2022

GLENSIDE, Pa. — Pennsylvania senate candidate John Fetterman vows to support universal healthcare for scene veterans, old heads, and all…

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