PALM BEACH, Fla. –The Federal Bureau of Investigation recovered stacks of highly-classified nuclear weapons documents with “Hillary Clinton” written in childlike scrawls on them from Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago residence, flabbergasted yet unsurprised agents reported.
“The Bureau found hundreds and hundreds of top-secret documents, all taken from Trump’s fourth billiards room,” said Special Agent Diane Cooper while taking a 30-minute smoke break. “And yes, they all have Hillary Clinton’s name written on them in red crayon. I’m not fucking kidding, man. I’ve seen a lot of shit in my day, including some extremely stupid cover-ups and frame jobs. But wow, this takes the cake. I was half-expecting some of them to say ‘Hunter’ too, but I honestly feel like Trump got so focused he forgot to spread the fake blame around.”
Q-Anon believer and Trump supporter, Eric Yarnham, expressed his support for the former President.
“The secret network of liberal elites are going to try to blame our real President for this, even when the evidence is right under their suspiciously hooked noses,” Yarnham said while standing vigil outside the Mar-a-Lago driveway. “Why do you think the documents, which rightfully belong to Trump, have her name on them? The Satan-worshippers in the White House will do everything they can to convince the lame-stream media that Killary had nothing to do with this. I’ll bet you anything that she planted the documents here herself, even though there’s literally no way she would have had access to them.”
Political analyst and Twitch streamer Jacob Harris went out of his way to explain the severity of the situation.
“I cannot stress this enough: this shit is absolutely, balls-to-the-wall crazy,” Harris said, gesticulating wildly. “People are genuinely trying to write-off the most blatant, half-assed coverup in history as evidence of some sort of conspiracy. Trump could literally fly to North Korea and bomb DC while holding Kim Jong-Un’s hand, and these idiots would say that it was a liberal plot. And for the record, taking nuclear weapons documents from the White House and presumably selling them to the highest bidder is, and I am not exaggerating here, as treasonous as it gets. Holy fucking shit.”
At press time, the FBI was still carrying dozens of stained cardboard boxes inside from the agency van after several hours.