DALLAS — The FBI’s Hostage Rescue Team was condemned by civil liberties advocates today for their “needless use of force” in removing the many-membered music…
LOS ANGELES — Described by loved ones as “charismatic,” “fun,” “unpredictable,” and “always the life of the party,” Clark Tomlinson passed away last night at…
SHEBOYGAN, Ill. — The nation’s radical “alt-center” is aggressively going about their normal day today without interruptions, according to reports from HR departments around the…
WASHINGTON — U.S. Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos became the first woman to irreparably damage the infrastructure at Woodrow Wilson High School earlier today, shattering…
HAYDEN, Idaho — Local white supremacist Jeffrey Braun is struggling with being judged for his beliefs and actions over the color of his skin, Braun…
WASHINGTON — A full 100 percent of people in your life and around the country remember that time you accidentally called your teacher “Mom,” a…
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Supreme Court yesterday overturned a 2015 law requiring Run the Jewels to perform at every single music festival, according to a…
NEW YORK — A group of middle-aged, financially stable marketers put their differences aside late last night and reunited their old garage brand following a…
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Homebrew beer connoisseur Ira Rose succeeded again last week in ranking all local homebrews he tasted from worst to somehow even worse,…
CHICAGO — Pitchfork critic Thomas Coates penned a thorough-yet-harsh critique of his ever-encroaching tinnitus last week, ultimately giving his affliction a mixed review. The 24…
BUFFALO, N.Y. — Darren Freed met privately with his “best friend since junior high” early this morning to ask him to delete thousands of songs…
WASHINGTON — Scientists have confirmed that the current nationwide dumpster fire is adversely affecting the national crust punk population, according to a new study conducted…
IRVING, Texas — The Pizza Time Players, the animatronic band featured for decades at the Chuck E. Cheese arcade and pizza chain, was blacklisted yesterday…
CHICAGO — Local curmudgeon Benjamin Dahl reaffirmed his decades-old “punk is dead” stance shortly after procuring tickets to the It’s Not Dead Fest, according to…
CHICAGO — Rumors persist that Riot Fest still has one last high-profile reunion to announce: the NFL champion 1985 Chicago Bears, raising the expectations of…