COLUMBUS, Ohio — Local college student Cam Emerson received a portrait tattoo of Tom Petty on his forearm last week, objectively standing as one of…
PORTLAND, Maine — Portland Police Department Officer Grace Hutchinson somehow fully believes that people have only recently started tampering with her food, snickering sources confirm.…
MARIPOSA, Calif. — A camping trip almost turned tragic last week as militant vegan Sage Hellier nearly died when poisonous berries were the only vegan…
NEW YORK — Huge, anthropomorphic canary and “Sesame Street” cast member Big Bird was arrested late last night for loitering outside of the Love Puppet,…
OLYMPIA, Wash. — Crust punk Brad DelFino’s bathing attempt brought tragedy to his community yesterday, as sources report the 10-minute shower somehow left DelFino grosser…
LOS ANGELES — Nü-metal darlings Limp Bizkit have worked with a local distillery to release their own exclusive, officially-licenced Chocolate Starfish and Hot Dog-flavored vodka,…
ORLANDO — Local GG Allin impersonator Darius Boone was arrested last week on a slew of charges directly related to his tribute to his musical…
LOS ANGELES — Australian commuter Daniel O’Connor spent $17 out of desperation yesterday during a layover at LAX for the worst sandwich he’s reportedly ever…
ZANESVILLE, Ohio — Tensions between two punk roommates are on the rise today after a months-long feud over whose turn it is to throw a…
This past week we all watched as executive chef Jeff Tray was eliminated from the hit Food Network show “Chopped” after the dimwit attempted to…
SAN DIEGO — Local classical guitar virtuoso and all-around good dude Sheldon Michelson’s musical talent and congenial manner is consistently overshadowed by the abnormally long…
LEXINGTON, Ky. — The long-forgotten can of Campbell’s Cream of Celery soup in the back of a local kitchen cupboard knew the day would arrive…
GLENDALE, Calif. — Fraud victim Megan Howard made an emergency exit through her date’s bathroom window last night after an underwhelming penis reveal that looked…
KANSAS CITY — Local slob Donna McKenny agitated her roommates again yesterday with her claim that the mounting piles of dirty clothing in their apartment…
SALT LAKE CITY — Relatively tidy local woman Aaliyah Thomson is allegedly debating which side of her horrendously stained and putrid couch cushion will be…