TRENTON, N.J. — New Jersey hardcore band Bust In canceled their first tour outside of New Jersey after realizing they don’t know how to pump…
DENVER — A multinational non-renewable energy corporation is attempting to pin all of Earth’s environmental problems on an individual from Colorado, according to sources who…
VERNON, Calif. — Top executives representing oil companies around the country remain concerned that they will not have enough soldiers to fight for non-renewable resources…
HOUSTON — Soon-to-be retired senator Joe Manchin’s suit was hung from the rafters at ExxonMobil’s headquarters during a tearful farewell ceremony, according to alarmingly wealthy…
WASHINGTON — President Biden called for a nationwide moment of silence and contemplation after the stock price of the Norfolk Southern Corporation (NYSE: NSC) sharply…
MILFORD, Conn. – Local man Gary Miller’s fleeting moment of peace away from his grueling, hellish, and tedious daily life was instantly destroyed by the…
WASHINGTON — Average consumers are feeling the pinch both metaphorically and literally as rising gas prices have resulted in them having to give up twice…
LEXINGTON, Ky. — Local musician Teddie Hutchinson broke his 23-day streak of avoiding anything resembling a natural food when he accidentally ingested a mouthful of…
AUBURN HILLS, Mi. — Major US automotive company Chrysler announced that its new 2022 line of vehicles were as big as a whale, and fully…
WASHINGTON — Members of the United States Senate were up until the early hours of the morning working to protect the oil and gas industry…
DETROIT — Automobile manufacturers across the country hoping to stem the tide of climate change pledged to go 100% electric by the time it’s too…
HOUSTON — Famed environmental superhero and holographic android Captain Planet announced he would be accepting a position as a paid consultant for multinational oil and…
MARLINTON, W.V. — Local truck owner John “John-Boy” Johnson recently employed his heavy duty 2020 GMC Sierra to move a friend’s old posters and a…
Hey you! Yeah you, the gentrifying piece of shit driving around in that planet-destroying truck. Hey, I’ve got an idea. You should get in that…
DALLAS — Residents of the local punk house The Lincoln Memorial learned yesterday that the white noise machine they thought they’ve been using for the…