VERNON, Calif. — Top executives representing oil companies around the country remain concerned that they will not have enough soldiers to fight for non-renewable resources over the next few decades thanks to the declining American birth rates, sources lighting cigars with $100 bills confirmed.
“We were proud to help fund the overturning of Roe because we know more babies equals more troops for us to deploy whenever we need some more of that black gold,” said ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods. “For years we were trying to develop robot super-soldiers so we didn’t have to rely on meat sacks that were so easily blown to bits by enemy guns and bombs. Unfortunately, the AI we used to program those super-soldiers refused to fight. The computers apparently developed a conscience and wouldn’t use their mechanical death hands to tear the flesh off terrorists hoarding the oil under their land. Thankfully, humans aren’t as smart, they will fight whoever we tell them to fight. We just need more of them, and soon.”
Married millennial Oscar Cleary explained why he and his wife Alicia decided to not have children.
“All of my friends who have had kids seem to regret it almost instantly. It’s not even a money thing, it’s a quality of life thing. My wife and I get to travel whenever we want, see a movie any night of the week, and basically it feels like we found a cheat code for living stress-free as adults,” said Cleary. “Not to mention that having kids seems completely irresponsible since climate change is legitimately going to kill us all within the next two decades. I can’t imagine bringing a life into this world only to have them devoured by a wildfire, or frozen to death in a ‘once in a lifetime’ blizzard.”
U.S. politicians are already working on policies to help increase the birth rate.
“Banning abortions is step one. After that, we’re going to ban contraceptives. From there we will institute a ‘Conceive for America’ program where we will make it illegal for a fertile young woman to not be pregnant for more than three months at a time,” said Republican Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley. “Unfortunately these will be expensive efforts and there will need to be cuts to social safety net programs like welfare. But this will all be worth it to keep gas prices level during election cycles.”
At press time, board members at Chevron gave a hefty bonus to the company’s CFO after he impregnated his much younger mistress.