I never thought I’d be a cautionary tale. But now I know you should never get blackout drunk in front of your old friends from…
CHICAGO — Aging goth Ashe Montresor is barely managing to push through their daily 170-minute ritual of applying the appropriate makeup to make them look…
NEW YORK — Members of glam rock group KISS were spotted using a stockpile of Sephora points at a local store late yesterday morning to…
CONCORD, N.H. — 32-year-old house sitter Ervin Holt discovered the benefits of a nightly face washing routine last week after helping himself to a wide…
CHICAGO — Local punk Kyla Waters has spent the past 24 hours trying to decide if her roommate’s new tattoo either looks nothing like Jack…
GOLDSBORO, N.C. — Popular gaming YouTuber Jeffception underwent plastic surgery in order to have a skeptical looking expression permanently grafted onto his face. “I was…
ATLANTA — The Center for Disease Control and Prevention held a press conference today explaining in detail the health risks of touching Mario’s face in…
TEMPE, Ariz. — Local punk Arnie Parker vowed to take the crown for the worst tattoos back from modern hip-hop music with a marathon home…
PORTSMOUTH, Va. — 24-year-old metalhead Jim Rainer expertly passed himself off as a middle-aged dock worker yesterday, without any additional effort, for a free ride…
WILMINGTON, Del. — Mickey Smith, the drummer of local rock band Forager Hunt, asked lead guitarist Charlie Palone yet again last night to turn around…
BOSTON — Local music patron Claras Deacon called the Boston Police Department last night to report an out-of-place backpack repeatedly smashing into her face and…
Judgments based on sight alone are detrimental to our society. I am personally persecuted on a daily basis all because of my extremely punchable face.…
SEATTLE — A local couple expecting their first child began to baby-proof their lifestyle earlier this month, requiring major alterations to their array of facial…
OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local wildcard Gabe Lawrence, sporting a fresh “Anarchy” tattoo on his temple meant to commemorate his mistrial for arson charges, gave a terse…
The UFC writing room has become deadlocked with indecision as the team is unsure exactly where to take Ronda Rousey’s character next, according to sources…