Patrick Crooks
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March 26, 2021
ASHEVILLE, N.C. — Local punk Adam Schultz is beginning to regret using one of his three wishes to bring infamous…
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Ramona Apthorp
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March 15, 2021
AGOURA HILLS, Calif. — Local nü-metal band Hog Washer can’t decide which of the countless butthole puns they thought of…
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Krissy Howard
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March 4, 2021
FORT MEADE, Md. — U.S. National Security Agent Dan Briggs mentally prepared himself for another four minutes of unadulterated sing-alongs…
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Steve Esparra
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February 18, 2021
LOS GATOS, Calif. — The remaining members of the outspoken nü-metal band Trapt are seeking an ill-informed bigot with cursory…
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Literally A Koala
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February 10, 2021
SAN FRANCISCO — Members of local punk band Loogie Howser are eager to return to their bustling itinerary of playing…
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Nariko Ott
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December 17, 2020
LOS ANGELES — 35-year-old self-described “Dashboard Confessional superfan” David Calva awoke today to find his male-pattern baldness went into overdrive,…
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Patrick Coyne
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December 14, 2020
SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — “Christmas Vacation” actor Randy Quaid voiced his support for President Trump yesterday, ruining every sane, cheer-deprived…
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John Danek
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November 29, 2020
LANSING, Mich. — Media analysis thinktank MediaViews released a troubling report today, finding that the comment sections of Lansing’s WLXT…
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Dan Kozuh
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November 11, 2020
PHILADELPHIA — Local punk Dominique Martin was pleased to discover today that her total credit score was nine, believing this…
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Ryan Danley
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November 5, 2020
BOSTON — Recently deceased grandmother Anita Reilly’s bereaved found yesterday a trove of family recipes, including one for a beloved,…
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