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REPORT: Local News Site’s Comment Section More Upsetting Than 4Chan

LANSING, Mich. — Media analysis thinktank MediaViews released a troubling report today, finding that the comment sections of Lansing’s WLXT news station have surpassed the infamous site 4chan in frequency of disturbing, upsetting exchanges.

“It was a slow climb, but in the autumn of 2020, WLXT’s comment sections are measurably more likely to ruin a reasonable person’s day than the try-hard filth of 4chan,” said MediaViews founder Raylene Johnson. “Yes, 4chan is awful: there’s always horrific gore, racism, depravity, and hate. But everyone there is trying to be intentionally shocking. News comment sections, on the other hand, are real people expressing their sincerely-held beliefs… and in 2020, these beliefs will have you reaching for cyanide. Since viewing these comments, I’ve not only deleted all my social media profiles, I’ve also gotten rid of all my computers, and I’m going to be living off the grid in the forest so I can be as far away from these ‘people’ as possible.”

While some of 4chan’s more active members balked at the report, others conceded that compared to WLXT, they’ve lost their edge.

“I used to spend most of my waking hours posting pictures of botched surgeries and crime scene photos with captions like, ‘This whore deserved it,’ but that was small beans to the earnest racism and suggested violations of the Geneva conventions found in your average WLXT comment,” revealed a formerly frequent 4chan user who wished to remain anonymous. “Once you see the word ‘THEM’ typed out in all capitals, you can’t mistake who Meredith Bannery from Dewitt, Mich. is talking about. And It’s not to get a rise out of other viewers — it’s just because they think these opinions are valid, important and worth sharing. That is so much worse. I can’t compare.”

Residents of the greater Lansing area defended their small town ideals and communication styles.

“Oh, my granddaughter told me all about that little MediaViews report. All those city folk want to slander heartland America, but we just live simpler lives here ‘round these parts,” explained Gertrude Timmerman, who lives in the house she was born in. “And anyways, I bet it was a Jew who wrote it — it’s those Jews, along with those wily illegal Mexicans, who are injecting our babies with microchips via vaccines so the 5G towers can make them gay. Excuse me; I need to post that as a comment below a kitten adoption story.”

In related news, Norton AntiVirus will expand its parental control software to intelligently block news comment sections, emails with “FWD” in the subject, and the Facebook posts of uncles over 50.