CENTRALIA, Wash. — Avid metal fan Andrew Rostburgh is plagued by recurring horrifying dreams in which he’s accidentally naked and, worse, must endure three opening…
LOS ANGELES — Members of Blink-182 were hurriedly escorted off stage just as they played the final notes of their set in order to make…
BRICK TOWNSHIP, N.J. — Local punk Andy Chambers was seen shaking his head in frustration after a Costco employee marked his receipt without so much…
SLEEPY HOLLOW, N.Y. — 38-year-old Jason Andrews recently came to the conclusion that his most revered album of the year was none other than Spotify’s…
NEW BEDFORD, Mass. — 38-year-old punk Eli Collum once again hovered his phone’s camera over the old-school Equal Vision logo thinking it was a QR…
PROVIDENCE— 38-year-old punk Richard Locke is trying to improve his physical fitness by switching to a brand of cigarettes heavy enough to double as a…
LOS ANGELES — After an ambitious attempt at a simple flatground kickflip, it appears that you have absolutely broken your back, sources wincing sympathetically confirm.…
Vampire. Nosferatu. The un-dead. Legends of unholy, immortal creatures with a thirst for human blood have existed for centuries. Could such a long-enduring myth have…
FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Aging punk Mack “Sulfur” Hersch recalibrated his life’s mission from disrupting the effectiveness of the federal government to terrorizing his new…
CARLSBAD, Calif. — Local woman Janice Rickards told her husband he could go ahead with his dream of building a mini ramp in their backyard…
PENFIELD, N.Y. — 46-year-old punk veteran Samuel “Murder One” Castor decided to further deck out his CPAP sleep apnea machine with the addition of another…
I never thought I would find myself in a place complaining about the “music these kids listen to,” but it seems the older I get,…
MANCHESTER, N.H. — Thirty-five-year-old punk Freddie Snyder discovered that the Devcon Duco Plastic and Model Cement he’s been huffing on and off for almost twenty…
TACOMA, Wash. — Doctors and nurses across the country were forced to set up triage stations to help treat middle-aged men with soft tissue injuries…
Do you remember that god-awful movie “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button?” It starred Brad Pitt as an old baby who lives backwards and fucks…