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Aging Punk Gradually Becoming Straight Edge Without Meaning To

FALL RIVER, Mass. — Local 37-year-old punk Ryan Foley realized he had inadvertently abstained from drugs and alcohol long enough to be considered straight edge, according to disappointed former ride-or-dies.

“It occurred to me that I haven’t had so much as a beer in almost two years,” said Foley while assembling an IKEA crib. “I used to go hard, but I guess my partying has slowed down over time. It wasn’t intentional, but at some point spending $40 on drinks at a loud bar didn’t seem appealing anymore. It exhausts me to even think about it. I quit smoking when my daughter was born, of course. The only drugs I do these days are Advil and Mucinex. So I guess I’m straight edge now. It’s only a matter of time before I start X’ing up and listening to Earth Crisis.”

Longtime friend Stevie Ramirez has witnessed his former partner-in-crime’s slow transformation.

“We came up as crusties together, passing the flask, drinking 40s, doing whatever pills we could get,” said Ramirez as he rolled a Bugler. “We used to comb through ashtrays for butts, go dumpster diving, all that. But eventually, Tommy met a normal girl, got a real job and stopped hanging out so much. When he would come out, he’d bring a fuckin’ water bottle. Last time I suggest we go sniff some glue he actually laughed, he’s such a cliche. The final nail was the baby. After a while I stopped asking him to hop freight trains or go to basement shows. I mean, good for him or whatever, but it’s hard to see someone go down the dark path of sobriety.”

Lifestyle blogger Angela Parnassus has some tips for people who have cut back on partying but don’t want to be perceived as being lame.

“One suggestion is if you have to go to bed early, you can schedule social media posts to go up later at night, so people will think you’re still awake,” said Parnassus. “If you must go out, you can drink some craft non-alcoholic IPAs—no one will be able to tell the difference. You can even smoke CBD joints that give the appearance of smoking weed without the accompanying anxiety that many people experience. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with choosing to be straight edge. But people who don’t drink or do drugs usually have to cater to people who do.”

As of press time, Foley announced he’d essentially become vegan as well, explaining, “meat and dairy give me the rumblies these days.”