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Aging Punk Confuses Equal Vision Logo for QR Code

NEW BEDFORD, Mass. — 38-year-old punk Eli Collum once again hovered his phone’s camera over the old-school Equal Vision logo thinking it was a QR code to access a brunch menu, disappointed sources confirmed.

“It took me about three solid minutes to realize my mistake. I thought something was wrong with my phone at first, I quit all the apps I had open, and then I realized I’d been pointing my phone at the back of a used 108 record I just copped at Purchase Street,” said Collum while forcefully blinking his eyes. “But I guess it all makes sense. I always thought it was confusing that Hare Krishnas had such a big influence over the hardcore scene, and now 30 years later Krishna is still fucking me up. But maybe this is a sign I finally need to get glasses.”

Collum’s longtime girlfriend Lisa Packer noticed his mistake immediately, but didn’t want to embarrass him in public.

“A lot of the places we eat got rid of hard copies of their menus during Covid so we are used to scanning QR codes before ordering. I tried to lead by example and show Eli the QR code on his placemat, but he just sat there getting more and more frustrated,” said Packer. “He started grumbling like a jaded grandfather about how ‘technology is trying to kill him’ and how ‘things were so much easier back in 2004.’ But honestly I don’t even know why he pretends to look at the menu, he always orders chocolate chip pancakes no matter where we are. He’s pretty stuck in his ways.”

Equal Vision founder Ray Cappo says he does not understand why anyone is confused by the logo.

“Anyone can see the logo is a divine deity. If your eyesight is failing you it’s probably because your parents gave you poisonous vaccines as a child,” said Cappo, also known as Raghunath Das, before doing 15 push-ups and locking into a Mayurasana. “Human eyeballs should work with complete clarity for at least 150 years. Only outside toxins can cloud your vision, and if you open your third eye you will be able to see past this world into eternity and beyond. Also, Youth of Today will be playing Brazil next March and we will have some exclusive merch for the tour you don’t want to miss.”

Friends fear Collum’s other senses might also be failing him after he reportedly said “I went back and listened to an old H2O record and it wasn’t that bad.”

Photo by Clark Orr.