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Blink-182 Make Mad Dash Across City To Close Other Nostalgia Festival

LOS ANGELES — Members of Blink-182 were hurriedly escorted off stage just as they played the final notes of their set in order to make a frenzied mad dash across town to perform at another festival for aging punks, sources already late for soundcheck confirmed.

“This is easily the most stressful and lucrative 24 hours of my life. Everyone get out of the way, our escort is military and I don’t want anyone to get mowed over,” proclaimed Mark Hoppus while haphazardly coiling cables. “This way we can make it to Y2Krazy in Santa Monica and get to play for many of your friends who couldn’t make it out to see us here in downtown Los Angeles. I repeat, please don’t try to follow us, you will be rammed in the ass and our insurance won’t cover your car repairs.”

Not everyone was as excited about Blink’s wild escape, as it created a void of traffic and police officers in the city, as well as overtime costs for local police.

“The moment we pulled officers off their shift to help Travis Barker get to the west side of town faster, our incoming emergency calls increased by 75%. I understand how amazing it is to see a band that defines our teen and college years, but we can’t accommodate every artist with such an escort even if there are two millennial nostalgia fests happening at the same time,” explained Public Safety Officer Anton Lopez. “You know who won’t be at the show? The people who kept watching, waiting for emergency help.”

Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass dedicated today as “Blink-182 Day” in celebration of the group’s commitment to playing as many shows as possible in the area.

“We know this city is the entertainment capital of the world, and we can prove that by having the same artist headline multiple festivals in different locations on the same night without any issues. The city contracted every Land Rover available to accommodate the Kardashian-Barker-Jenner families,” said Bass while screen printing memorial shirts. “It shows how LA is ready for any challenge that ignores certain areas and only highlights our most affluent. And plus, the revenue boost from old guys in Vans is amazing.”

As of press time, it is still unconfirmed if the strange lights in the sky visible between the two venues were related to the shows.