WASHINGTON — Scientists researching the life expectancy of punks now claim that the first punk to live a full 65 years has likely already been…
BETHLEHEM — A local show billed as “The Most Important Event in Human History” reportedly ended as a “total fucking bust,” thanks to a confusing…
NORTH POLE — Jolly Old Saint Nicholas admitted he was slightly irritated last week when his workshop was flooded by letters imploring him to visit…
We have to tighten the borders in this country. And for once, I’m not talking about Mexico, or Alaska! No, this time I’m talking about…
NORTH POLE — Santa Claus shocked Christmas enthusiasts worldwide today by launching a Patreon campaign to fund his 2018 world tour, setting off speculation about…
If you celebrate the Christmas holiday chances are that at some point this December you have watched A Christmas Story, Frosty The Snowman and Eyes…
First they they came for ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside,’ and I said nothing. Then they came for ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’ and I…
ROCKFORD, Ill. — Chicago punk Robbie Kaplan called attendees of last weekend’s Levin-Brady wedding ‘whiny posers’ and ‘crybabies’ as he was forcibly removed for repeated…
ONEONTA, N.Y. — Patrons at punk venue The Station report that the only functioning fixture in the entire bathroom is local coke dealer Reese Wicker,…
PALO ALTO, Calif. — Local resident Paul Weber’s latest resolution to live healthier and save the environment lasted approximately 26 minutes this morning, covering a…
I think of myself as a pretty generous guy, empathetic to the plight of my fellow man. So you can imagine my disgust when I…
MINOCQUA, Wis. — 80-year-old retiree Mary Costa unveiled the newest addition to her famed model Christmas village this week: an ornately detailed miniature punk venue,…
RICHMOND, Va. — Members of local hardcore band Without Dignity are doggedly working out the logistics of their first tour, consisting of two shows in…
Dear Scabby: I am narcoleptic. It really affects any sort of productivity. A doctor once prescribed me an upper to help it. It helps a…
Never meet your heroes. Everyone seems to have a story about an awful encounter with a celebrity, but I have always given a person of…