Much like TV, ice cream, and porn, pets exist solely to distract us from the inevitability of death. Well, until they die. Then our mortality…
NORWOOD, Mass. — Older brother Jack Durso bought the new NOFX CD “Single Album” yesterday, which he plans to keep in a faux-leather binder under…
After years of unsuccessful attempts, me ‘n Scooter finally made our way down to Bohemian Grove and caught a lizard person! Once we tied it…
OVIEDO, Fla.— Local emotional support dog Reggie is under fire today for acting as more of an enabler for his owner’s anxieties rather than diminishing…
I love life’s simple pleasures. I’m talkin’ taking in a good sunset, falling asleep to the sound of a crackling fire, or biting into a…
WASHINGTON — Independent venue owner Joe Englert panicked early yesterday morning after realizing he’s left sound guy Jake Montgomery locked in his club DC9 since…
WARRINGTON, Pa. — Local man and guy who “maybe enjoys an occasional drink, no big deal” Dennis Walsh realized yesterday that alcoholism is the only…
City punks are way too soft nowadays. I’m sick and tired of hearing all this crap about wage theft and other socialist propaganda. It’s like…
BALTIMORE — Local parents Mark and Susan Finkleburg skillfully avoided an emotional conversation with their child Mark Jr. last week by sneakily replacing his beloved…
Everyone wants their first time to be special. It is one of the few moments of your life that you will think about for the…
OAKLAND, Calif. — Local singer-songwriter Vince Valdez is less than a dozen woke Tweets away from eclipsing the massive amount of sexual assault allegations he…
“And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which…
ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Local 30-year-old and former band girlfriend Jenna Nuccio was delighted to realize yesterday that she’s finally aged out of dating local musicians,…
Daft Punk Breaking up Just Proves That European Automation Will Never Replace the American Workforce
Daft Punk Breaking up Just Proves That European Automation Will Never Replace the American Workforce
As European technological innovation has caused countless industry jobs across the globe to become obsolete, the United States has proven time and time again that…
BOSTON — Local woman Jenna Jenkins allegedly made uncomfortable small talk with herself yesterday while self-administering a haircut at home, sources making an embarrassing attempt…