PHILADELPHIA — A group of local crust punks selflessly offered to help furloughed “bootlicking peons of the bloated and immoral federal government” yesterday by teaching…
CHICAGO 一 Local man Dillon O’Hayes messaged you on Facebook early this morning to confirm whether or not he saw you at that show this…
CHICAGO — Local woman and very loud porn watcher when she thinks she’s alone Amy Fritz realized late this afternoon that her roommate had actually…
BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Local punk Griffin Myers was hospitalized last night after provoking mythical scene veteran Butch “The Butcher” Caldwell, otherwise known as a “real…
Are all cops bastards? Yes. We know this because it’s been proven by punk’s top researchers. The same researchers who helped answer important questions like,…
SACRAMENTO, Calif. — The Robles Park neighborhood will soon host a temporary art installation, an event largely received as “…fine, I guess, but more food…
C’mon, what are you, some kinda’ pussy?! Do this beer bong, bro! Don’t wuss out on me. I invite you to my home, supply you…
DOVER, N.H. — A recently worn necktie was informed yesterday that it will remain knotted and in its owners closet until it is once again…
JENKS, Okla. — Jenks East Intermediate School 8th-grader Dylan Barker reportedly humbled himself earlier this week by removing a single earbud to listen to something…
Dear Scabby: My friend in his mid-20’s has been living in his parents’ shed and subsisting off of death metal, frozen food from Costco, cheap…
TULSA, Okla. — Adamant atheist, open homosexual, and hardcore punk Ed Rossi is technically a better Christian than his biological, evangelical family that disowned him…
PITTSBURGH — A local punk house is gearing up for its fourth consecutive year of flu season, now plaguing residents for the equivalent of one…
NEW YORK — Legendary musician Sting is celebrating today the second anniversary of a full-body spiritual orgasm that began during a 2017 tantric session with…
UNDISCLOSED — A secret job opening for an entry level position in the Illuminati posted today requires a minimum of 3-5 years prior experience working…
RENO, Nev. — Local man and former alcoholic Richard McCann allegedly considers himself “totally sober” now, after switching the focus of his addiction from alcohol…