NEW YORK — 26-year-old alleged Gambino crime family mobster James “Woke Jimmy” Scotto sent a business associate a Venmo request yesterday with a threatening fish emoji over an unpaid concert ticket, according to omertà-breaking sources close to the subject.
“Last month, Jimmy paid for his old buddy Angelo [Bonfiglio]’s ticket when they saw the Fratellis — who of course have mob connections themselves — but Jimmy never got his money back,” said one source who demanded extremely strict anonymity. “Now, Jimmy’s ready to whack the poor stunad if he doesn’t get reimbursed with interest… and he won’t stop fucking subtweeting about it.”
Bonfiglio, a 28-year-old waste management consultant with a considerable presence on Etsy, admitted he’s desperate to pay back the small loan.
“Ah, fungool — Jimmy Boy is really up my ass this time,” he said. “After he left a pair of Converses filled with cement outside my apartment door, I realized I had to skip town until I could scrounge up the cash. The guy’s pretty ruthless for a vegan.”
Local authorities have been paying close attention to the rising class of 20-something mafiosos.
“These up-and-coming wiseguys are a bunch of self-centered morons, much like all other millennials. We have informants telling us that ‘Woke’ Jimmy is meeting with mob affiliates around his age at a gluten-free cafe in Bushwick, and they’re plotting to rob an armored truck hauling avocados from Mexico,” said 54-year-old NYPD detective Frank Ventimiglia, writing from his Hotmail email address. “Scotto and his cronies make our job easy with all these compromising Instergram [sic] posts and leaked crime-scene selfies. Once I figure out what exactly what ‘Venmo’ is, I’ll crack this case right open.”
When reached, Scotto denied the allegations through his lawyer/life coach/fan fiction editor. A recent post on his Twitter read, “Totes done with all this Venmo fish bullshit. Time to spend a few days on the shore with my goomah, which is a gender-neutral term now btw.”
At press time, sources indicated Scotto was unable to take time off to go to the shore, instead taking the NYC subway to Brighton Beach and posting a photo to Instagram that read, “Office view for the week.”