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Shitty Coffee Shop Also Shitty Bookstore, Shitty Record Store

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Greenpoint-based shitty bookstore Books, Beanz n’ Beats Cafe is also known for being a shitty coffee shop and shitty record store, thanks to the insistence of management on doing an absolute shit job at all three, displeased sources confirm.

“I figured it’d be a cool place to buy an Alex G record, The Communist Manifesto, and a cappuccino all in one trip,” said customer Melanie Sanchez, who expected at least a three-star worthy experience. “But the bookshelves had no genre labels, so I was sorting through joke books from 1910, shitty romance novels, and a million Stalin biographies for hours. And I couldn’t even find the records I was looking for because they were all organized by the color of the album’s cover. It was mayhem.”

While all customers reported an “impressively bad” experience shopping for books and records, patrons of the store’s coffee shop report a similarly shitty experience.

“It was super misleading, because the bookstore checkout countertop was covered with jars of espresso beans, with vintage light bulbs on metal wires above the bar,” said fellow miffed customer Peter Mileur. “I stopped caring about that, though, when some girl with a cat stick n’ poke tattoo filled my whole cup with ice and like, two sips of coffee, and then told me my small drink was $5. Plus, it took them 10 minutes to heat up my two-inch tomato and mozzarella panini — which was still frozen in the middle somehow.”

“I’ve been to my fair share of shitty book & record stores, but to add the coffee for the ultimate piece-of-shit trifecta? That’s really going above and beyond,” he added.

Despite an onslaught of negative feedback, 24-year-old manager Collin Haze remains confident his shitty business is still revolutionary.

“Here at the B.B. n’ B Café, we pride ourselves on selling fair trade coffee, used books filled with history and only occasional water stains, and lightly scratched, quality records. Doesn’t get much better than that,” said Haze. “Don’t even waste your time at those corporate places — stop on in, please.”

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