SAN DIEGO — Entomologists at the California Center for Insect Study published a paper today detailing the fascinating life cycle of the common Iron Maiden…
PARIS — Local legend and longtime Notre-Dame resident Quasimodo will now be known as “The Hunchback of Holiday Inn” after being safely evacuated from the…
PITTSBURGH — Local DIY lifestyle advocate and sexually frustrated man Peter Jansen unveiled today his self-made sex robot, which looks worryingly like a refrigerator with…
INDIO, Calif. — Urban legends and age-old folklore circulating at this year’s Coachella allege that “abundant, hassle-free” beer awaits revelers in a rarely-trodden, enigmatic corner…
BOSTON — Local Skinhead Against Racial Prejudice [SHARP] Matt Pine was overjoyed yesterday for the latest of his countless days explaining the distinction between traditional…
LOS ANGELES — Local punk Noah Slafer scoured the internet last night to find out whether he should view Julian Assange as a right-wing puppet…
INDIO, Calif. — Democrats are investigating White House Senior Adviser Jared Kushner for receiving an all-access, VIP pass to Coachella that will grant him access…
LONDON — Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was arrested in London this morning on suspicion of leaking the location of a secret show to a collection…
NAPERVILLE, Ill. — High school freshman and self-described punk Michael Wade is calling his family’s upcoming Walt Disney World vacation his “Southeast Tour,” despite having…
Is it just me, or is everyone super bummed about climate change? While the lame-o’s waste their time composting and not having babies, the rest…
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Local woman Carrie Schwalbach’s new boyfriend is nothing more than a reissued edition of her ex with new cover art, disappointing…
LAS VEGAS — U.S. Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders could not take the debate stage until he found someone to take over his post at his…
FILLMORE, Minn. — Researchers confirmed today that crust punk James “Pyrofuck” Polinita is officially the first human completely immune to Chronic Wasting Disease — popularly…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Legendary childhood diseases Measles and Polio will co-headline an upcoming U.S. tour, thanks entirely to the countless parents who absolutely refuse to…
Dear Scabby: I just got out of a five-month relationship, but find myself eager to start dating again. Out of respect, I think I should…