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Grand Gesture to Win Back Girlfriend at Airport Results in Multiple Federal Charges

ATLANTA — Local man Armand Phillips was arrested yesterday and faces multiple federal charges, ranging from terrorism to reckless endagerment, after parachuting into Hartsfield-Jackson Airport in an attempt to win back his departing ex-girlfriend, Shari Elliott.

“Homeland Security, the Federal Aviation Administration, and the TSA take a ‘zero tolerance’ approach when it comes to the security and safety of airline travel,” stated DHS Spokesman Tom McKellar in a press conference following the incident that shutdown one of the world’s busiest airports for several hours. “Regardless of the intent, these actions will be dealt with swiftly and severely — especially when it’s clear that Ms. Elliott wants a new start after Mr. Phillips wasn’t willing to make compromises to help her advance her career.”

Witnesses reported seeing Phillips running down the runway with a bouquet of balloons, which forced a Delta flight to abort its landing to avoid striking the 34-year-old.

“We were just about to board when they made an announcement that all flights were delayed due to an incident,” said Sandra Wells, one of the thousands of passengers whose travel plans were derailed by the reckless ex-boyfriend. “Then I saw on the news that it was all due to some guy trying to prevent his girlfriend from moving. I just wonder which one of his friends is currently in hiding because they’re the one that said, ‘You need to go to that airport and win her back.’ I missed the birth of my nephew because of this asshole.”

For her part, Elliott noted she was angry and embarrassed, though not surprised, by Phillips’ actions.

“Kevin’s always been possessive and controlling in his own passive-aggressive way,” remarked Elliott as she arrived at the FBI’s Atlanta office for questioning. “I told him that when he was ready to be an adult about my new job and moving, we could talk about things. I didn’t mean for him to put people’s lives in danger… and I wish he used his one phone call in jail to hire a lawyer, instead of calling my cell phone to tell me he’s ready to change.”

At press time, Elliott was being held under FBI protection, as Phillips had strangled a guard and escaped from his cell.