HUNTINGTON, N.Y. — A punk show scheduled to happen in local teen Mike Lennox’s basement was canceled yesterday afternoon after his mom came home with…
PHILADELPHIA — St. Patrick’s Day revelers at Rocco’s Lounge realized moments ago that the green beer they’re drinking is not a holiday gimmick, visibly unwell…
ATLANTA — The Center for Disease Control and Prevention issued a reminder today that no one would’ve attended a Thursday night show anyway at KTUB…
FITCHBURG, Mass. — 32-year-old hardcore kid Justin Phillips is driving the “snakes” out of his local scene just as the original Saint Patrick did hundreds…
LOS ANGELES — Rapper Chet Hanks, son of Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, tested positive for “full-body dopeness” this morning following a video update on…
NEW YORK — Newly single and perfectly healthy man Dave Prost edited his Tinder bio yesterday, replacing his height with an up-to-date measurement of his…
CHICAGO — Local executive Reginald Dixon sent a company-wide email from the security of his HEPA-filtered panic room moments ago stating that the Coronavirus threat…
ATLANTA — The Center for Disease Control and Prevention released a statement earlier today warning citizens to abstain from creating any new podcasts during Coronavirus…
WASHINGTON — Democratic Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders accidentally told former Vice President Joe Biden “nice set” after tonight’s democratic debate, an audio clip released by…
WASHINGTON — Democratic presidential frontrunner Joe. Biden allegedly checked in with former President Barack Obama ahead of an upcoming debate to get his opinion on…
TACOMA, Wash. — Bassist Todd Francona, recently accused of sexual misconduct by several women, was just happy that his name was mentioned in an article…
Your Honor, take a look at this jury. When I arrived here for my trial, I was told the jury would be a selection of…
ATLANTA — Local emotional support dog and shivering, terrified Spitz-mix Bartholomew was forced yesterday to fly on a 5-hour commercial flight to Seattle despite also…
BARLOW, Ky. — Local woman Roxana Carozza is entering her 20th hour of the dreaded “Midwestern goodbye” this morning, still inside her mother-in-law’s home and…
ALISO VIEJO, Calif. — The And1 clothing company is introducing a new line of shorts crafted specifically for hardcore kids who never play basketball, multiple…