Culture Archives - Page 351

gas leak, guitar, skateboard, leather, dead, sleep, white noise, punk house, dirty, scary

Punk House White Noise Machine Turns Out to be Gas Leak

Danny Taverner • November 10, 2020

DALLAS — Residents of the local punk house The Lincoln Memorial learned yesterday that the white noise machine they thought…

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subway, yellow, black, dirty, hat, girl, young, harassment, weird, scary, uncomfortable

Hideous, Oversized Uniform Polo Shirt Insufficient Shield From Creepy Regular’s Eyes

Lauren Lavín • November 9, 2020

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Local sandwich artist Allison Kim’s spacious, work-issued polo shirt did little to block a well-known customer’s intense,…

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car, time machine, back to the future, red, blue, vest, phone, drunk

Marty McFly Now Mostly Using Time Machine to Un-Drunk Dial Ex

Louie Aronowitz • November 9, 2020

HILL VALLEY, Calif. — Marty McFly admitted today that he now mostly uses his time machine to go back in…

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Nazi Not Sure How To Tell Family He Voted For Biden

Kevin Tit • November 9, 2020

HANOVER, Pa. — Local Nazi, Kyle Rumbley, is unsure how to tell his family he voted for Joe Biden after…

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Guitar Solo Just Verse Melody

Tim Nash • November 9, 2020

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local pop-punk group Dorm Room Philosophers reportedly fought over songwriting technique yesterday while recording their new album,…

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Date Canceled Due to Low Attendance

Johnny Mo • November 8, 2020

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Quarantined suitor Gabe Dawson canceled his highly anticipated Zoom date with “hot barista Dylan” last night…

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Dan Quayle Catches COVIDE-19

Salim Alam • November 8, 2020

PARADISE VALLEY, Ariz. -— Former Vice President Dan Quayle has reportedly contracted the novel Coronavirus “COVIDE-19,” according to Quayle’s medical…

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Opinion: We Need To Keep Politics Out of Punk! Same Goes for the Yelling, Loud Guitars, Sloppy Drums, Other Stuff Like That

Kevin Tit • November 8, 2020

2020 has got to be the worst year for punk by far. Ant that's saying a lot since it died…

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Guy Working Out to Pink Floyd Starting Workout with Solid 7-Minute Rest

Henrik Persson • November 8, 2020

ST. PAUL, Minn. — Local gym rat Paul Deetz started his workout today with a full seven minutes of rest…

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Biden Acceptance Speech Interrupted by Kanye Concession

Jon Wood • November 7, 2020

WILMINGTON, Del. — Democrat Joe Biden’s Presidential acceptance speech was interrupted today by rapper-turned-presidential candidate Kanye West, who rushed the…

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