Unwashed Sex Toys Just Piling Up in the Sink

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local couple Jordan Meyers and Alexis Carter reportedly left their unique collection of used sex toys ignored in their kitchen sink, treating them with the same level of neglect reserved for coffee mugs and takeout containers, uncomfortable friends report.

“They are a lot of fun when you’re using them, you know? You don’t really think about the boring, unsexy part—like scrubbing lube out of tiny crevices with an old toothbrush,” said Meyers, nudging a neon pink rabbit out of the way to rinse out a cereal bowl. “But instead of cleaning them, we just kept buying new ones so now we have an assortment of dildos, fleshlights, buzzers, diamond dusters, flickers, jammers, ball gags, pounders, hunk trunks, dialters, winkies, mock-cocks, clitty-clitty-bang-bangs, tubthumpers, and wünderbars taking up valuable space in our sink. Hell, I even had to move a few quadra-sex 5000s to the bathroom tub in the meantime.”

Carter, who claims to be the only one who regularly cleans the growing collection, expressed frustration at the situation.

“I don’t know what half of these do. I am all for play in the bedroom, but I don’t want to have to frantically wash a 12-inch suction-cup dildo when my parents show up unannounced,” Carter said, glaring at a silicone tentacle half-submerged in soapy water. “But who’s the one always always washing them? Me. Strap-ons aren’t nearly as sexy when you’re scrubbing them down with antibacterial spray. This must be why people hire cleaning services.”

Experts suggest that couples overwhelmed by adult toy maintenance should consider downsizing.

“The key to avoiding sex toy clutter is investing in one high-quality, multi-functional device rather than stockpiling cheap ones like you’re preparing for an erotic apocalypse,” said Dr. Vanessa Fields, sex educator and host of the popular Catch the Vibe sex-advice podcast. “If you’re staring at a sink full of latex and wondering how your life got here, it might be time to rethink your approach in the bedroom. Maybe take a week or two off and reevaluate those kinks.”

At press time, Meyers and Carter ultimately decided to throw everything out and become celibate rather than deal with the hassle of washing the sex toys.

How I Live Affordably in Brooklyn Through Personal Budgeting, Eating Out Less, and Living in the Cabinet From the Cure’s “Close to Me” Music Video

Posted on by Steve Packosky

It seems that it’s becoming more and more difficult for the middle class to get by these days. Steadily increasing costs of living and predatory rent gouging combined with stagnant wages are a perfect recipe for everyday men and women to be forced out of areas in which they were once able to thrive. Take Brooklyn, for example. Just how is one able to get by on the average salary of, say, a bartender or barista? Well, here I’ll share some tips on how I’m able to live affordably through some simple life modifications, as well as living in the cabinet from the Cure’s “Close to Me” music video that I found in a dumpster on Burns St.

When trying to live comfortably in Brooklyn, it’s important to keep an honest tab on your lifestyle and spending habits. Are you doing your grocery shopping in upscale chains, or are you choosing the more affordable local markets? Are you cooking the majority of your own meals, or are you indulging a bit too much in the city’s variety of world cuisines that, while breathtaking, can be staggeringly expensive? Are you living in a lavish, single-room studio or squatting in a 7’ by 3’ by 18” piece of abandoned furniture with three other people? Such an assessment will guide you in identifying the areas in which you’re overspending and acting accordingly to ensure you’re able to enjoy life while keeping a few extra bucks in your wallet.

We New Yorkers know that life here can be both punishing and rewarding, and the sacrifices I’ve made to stay afloat here are certainly no exception. Living in a cabinet that was used in an iconic music video by the world’s most recognizable goth-rock band with three roommates can be tough and, at times, literally suffocating. However, I try to balance this challenge by focusing on the bright side. For instance, with the money I’m able to save on rent, I can take in a matinee once every other month! Also, I pay nothing in utilities by relieving myself with a discarded bucket kept outside the cabinet. It’s through circumventing these normally burdensome costs that I’m able to enjoy everything New York City has to offer. That is, when I’m not doing permanent damage to my spine from the awkward camel pose I’m forced to assume in order to physically fit in the confines of my home.

Hopefully, you have found this article helpful if you’re looking to move to New York City but are worried about whether you’ll be able to afford all that it has to offer. With a few practical life changes and smart spending habits, you too can afford to live here provided you come across an unwanted home from an old music video. I hear the building from Aphex Twin’s “Come to Daddy” has studio apartments for rent, so what’s stopping you?

Marketplace Seller Firm on Price of Stolen Band Gear

Posted on by Jackson Chow

VANCOUVER, Canada — Facebook Marketplace seller Teo Aubrey Domingo was firm on his asking price for the stolen band gear he put up for sale, confirmed sources who wondered if he could just come down 300 bucks.

“I mean, it’s a pretty great price point, and I didn’t include labor. I tracked this band for a good week, and had to break into a double-gated community, and then tackle a locked van with an internal cage the gear was stored in. I won’t even talk about all the heavy lifting. It was a solo job, by the way,” Domingo stated proudly, before expressing annoyance at lowball offers. “It’s frustrating. I’m a self-starting entrepreneur on the grind, and I get multiple offers about giving up the items for free. Does no one look at the pictures or read the descriptions anymore?”

The local band whose gear was stolen discovered the ad, which included bolded, all caps lettering in the description of “PRICE IS FIRM” and an old picture of Ice Spice’s ass that accompanied it.

“Yeah, we’ve seen those cheeks and the posting. It’s a damn shame. The posting that is,” said NoSchwey’s lead singer Julian Musgrave. “We reached out to buy it all back at the listed price, but he hasn’t responded. We’re sure he’s busy getting loads of offers, so we understand. We blame ourselves. We should’ve thrown a blanket over it or used something more expensive than a $3 lock. We were asking for our gear to be stolen.”

Self-proclaimed Marketplace analyst Shabazz Shaheed pointed out that this isn’t a rare occurrence and that the selling of stolen material can be traced back generations.

“Everything is a ‘steal’ now when it comes to buying and selling online that you can’t really be too upset when something is legitimately stolen,” said Shaheed. “It’s fair game. If you’re given a steal of a deal, you have to respect the rules and wishes of the seller, even if it’s your stuff. In fact, there’s a new law protecting stealers’ rights. If they pilfer your possessions, it is now theirs. This statue is also known as the ‘finders keepers, losers weepers.’ We must remember that no one is above the law.”

At press time, Domingo had a change of heart and decided to raise the price after reconsidering market demand and to stave off non-serious offers.

New Study Shows Picking Lettuce and Tomato Off of Burger Closest Average American Gets to Eating a Vegetable

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — A recent Harvard report on the overall health of Americans showed that the residual moisture left behind by lettuce and tomatoes after being picked off a hamburger is the closest most citizens get to eating a vegetable.

“This wasn’t a study performed in a lab with a small sample size. We took years of data collected by staff at chain restaurants across the country who reported every time a customer left discarded vegetables on their tray. The results were far more alarming than we could have guessed. Most people you deal with on a daily basis have not eaten a leafy green in decades,” said lead researcher Dr. Suraj Patel. “Critics have said our study is flawed and that Americans lead the developed world in vegetable consumption. They claim that fry consumption should count as a vegetable and that it shouldn’t matter if it is deep fried, covered in salt, bacon bits, and cheese. We have also received pushback from some of the pizza chains who claim their tomato sauce is a great source of nutrition.”

Beck Hockson, an unknowing participant in the study, says he is perfectly healthy without vegetables.

“I’m tired of doctors telling me if I don’t start eating better my heart will explode before I turn 50. Some people operate better with high blood pressure. I get all the nutrients I need from the various ground beefs and sausages I eat on a daily basis,” said Hockson while downing multiple antacids. “I take several supplements that my favorite podcasts advertise and they claim to help with brain function and gut health. All I need now is a supplement that can thin out my urine so it’s not the viscosity of maple syrup.”

Produce buyers at major grocery retailers say the report is not a surprise.

“When we put in an order for lettuce, cucumbers, or carrots, we know that most of it is going straight into the garbage at the end of the day. We have to keep our produce section well-stocked so shoppers come in and think ‘I should try something healthy’ before they load up on potato chips and frozen chicken nuggets,” said Albertson’s Regional Manager Valerie Harrison. “And the small amount we do sell just ends up rotting in a customer’s fridge anyway. It’s a charade we all willingly participate in.”

A follow-up study from Harvard is expected to show a link between men who consider themselves “Alpha Males” and an inability to do ten pushups without passing out.

Real-Life Mr. Bean? This Man Just Caused a Deadly 12-Car Pileup in London

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Many of us grew up watching syndicated episodes of the British sitcom “Mr. Bean” starring Rowan Atkinson, wherein he played a largely silent, bumbling bozo who always found himself in comical situations resulting from his various eccentricities and general overall clumsiness. Whether he was stuck in an emergency room waiting area with his hand stuck in a toaster or performing a dental procedure on himself after accidentally sedating his dentist, he never failed to entertain his audience. While, sadly, the show went off the air in 1995, we may have just found Mr. Bean’s real-life counterpart!

Can you believe it?

Meet 51-year-old Robert Keenan of Enfield, England, who recently found himself narrowly escaping the path of an oncoming car as he attempted to cross Lower Thames St. in London, which forced the driver to swerve into oncoming traffic. The resulting pile-up was absolutely tragic, with 7 deaths and 3 people currently in critical care, and whole lot of gut-busting. Get this: the whole thing happened because Keenan had stopped in the middle of the crosswalk to tie his shoe!

Come on now, Robert! Didn’t you learn any lessons from your predecessor?

It seems Robert found himself in the heart of London’s financial district for a business meeting, and the poor man just couldn’t keep himself from doing something embarrassing. While this isn’t quite at the level of him placing his shoe on a parked car and hopping after it on one foot while the car drives away, we imagine he’ll get there eventually. It takes time to become a universal symbol of comedic folly, and he’s just getting started. We just have to keep an eye on him in the meantime!

What’s next for Robert? For now, we have no idea, as it seems he is pretty shaken up from his wacky London adventure and has not surfaced from his studio apartment back in Enfield for the past few days. We just want him to know that we appreciated his little nod to one of British culture’s most iconic fictional characters, even if those left dead or fighting for their lives in St. Bartholomew’s Hospital likely feel different, and we’re holding out for him to reappear (preferably in a green Austin Citron Mini with a padlock on the driver’s side door) for some more hilarious hijinks soon. We’ll just have to keep a camera crew from Channel 3 at the ready for when he inevitably finds himself in another side-splitting debacle!

Do you have any ideas for Robert’s next big adventure in the city? Sound off in the comments, and we’ll find a way to reach out to him once he’s overcome the shock and guilt of his last one!

Scientists Develop Procedure Allowing Human Brain to Offload Matchbox Twenty Songs to Make Space for New Information

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

BALTIMORE — Top neuroscientists at Johns Hopkins University developed an innovative procedure that will allow the human brain to offload Matchbox Twenty lyrics in order to make space for new information, confirmed sources.

“Getting to this place in our research is indeed monumental, but it wasn’t an issue of ‘if’ but of ‘when,’” said Dr. Marcy Gellson. “There’s been a growing need for this exact procedure for decades. A huge portion of the Millennial/Gen X populations have only been functioning at 75% brain capacity due to the chorus of ‘3AM.’ It just takes up too much space. It’s sort of like a Raw image on an iPhone. A photograph of a feline licking its anus might not look like much, but it’s crashing your storage availability. Matchbox Twenty songs are like that. We were desperate for a cure, and we got one.”

Sarah Bernabeo, the next patient who will be undergoing the procedure, opened up about her experience deciding to go under the knife.

“I know brain surgery might sound scary, but it just got to a point where I couldn’t take it anymore,” said Bernabeo. “I’d be driving my car and ‘Unwell’ would come on and I’d be singing every single word. I can’t remember ever learning all the lyrics, but they’re in there somewhere. And all I could think was all the better things I could be doing with all that space! Think about it: the human mind is an incredible thing! The potential is endless! I don’t want to waste it on a B-level song from 2002. I mean, I could finally learn Bella’s monologue from the end of Eclipse. I’m so excited.”

Lucy Felland, a renowned Sociologist, recently touched on the broader implications of this procedure.

“Widescale use of this procedure could have unimaginable impacts on society,” said Felland. “Conceive of a world in which people ages 30-45 have purpose beyond meme posting. Without ‘Back 2 Good’ running through their minds, it’s possible a large portion of the adult population could find who they are as people and try to contribute to society. Of course, there are no jobs to be had, so there’s no way of knowing where this influx of ready minds will lead. For all we know, your mind could simply replace those ‘Push’ lyrics with the words to ‘Semi-Charmed Life.’ Either way, we’re at a very exciting moment in the history of humanity.”

Scientists are reportedly now looking into whether it’s possible to expand the procedure to include Rob Thomas’ collaboration with Santana and any future releases.

Scientists Concerned After Discovering New Strain of Hulkamania in Livestock

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

DALLAS — Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control raised warning flags about a new strain of Hulkamania found in livestock that, if left untreated, could spread and cause an epidemic of unbridled pride in America, sources confirmed.

“This particular strain of Hulkamania seems to really affect the brain’s ability to function properly. We’ve had multiple farmers report that their cattle have had discolored secretions, loose stool, but the easiest symptom to identify is all the animals with the disease stare at the closest American flag while stomping their feet in unison,” said lead scientist Dr. Shelby Lee. “We are worried this could spread to human populations. Hulkamania was very prevalent in children in the 1980s, but the worst side effect was that people reported being nostalgic for watching wrestling with their dad. If this strain of Hulkamania spreads today we could see seemingly normal people declaring their love for Trump and tearing their shirts off to protest DEI measures.”

Cattle farmer Dale “Dutch” Savoy is very worried about the latest outbreak.

“Yep, my buddy over in Plano runs a farm and he says all his cows went bald right on the top of their head. It ain’t pretty what happens to these cows. Their muscles grow out of control, their skin turns a weird hot dog color, and I swear to you I’ve heard some of them say the N-word, yep,” said Savoy. “We had a pretty bad case of Hulkamania in the early 2000s. The pigs on the farm started growing dark black mustaches and acting real nasty towards authority. Not sure what that was all about, but I don’t want to go back to them times, yep.”

Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. says the general public has nothing to worry about.

“Transmission of Hulkamania from animals to humans is very rare and there are easy ways to prevent it. All you need to do is pull a stone off of the bottom of a lake and keep it in your mouth for five to six hours while sitting in direct sunlight, the disease can’t survive in those conditions,” said Kennedy while scraping an armadillo off the side of Interstate 45. “If that doesn’t work then all you need to do is put two pints of your blood into a bowl, mix it with yeast, bake it for 45 minutes at 350 degrees, then consume the sludge. You will be healthy as a horse.”

At press time, scientists worried the outbreak was spreading faster than anticipated after a herd of horny cows were seen outside Bubba the Love Sponge’s house.

Feminist Icon? This Woman Ruined Her Life Without Any Help from a Man

Posted on by Dom Turek

Feminism is a scary word for men. Like “dentist” or “accountability,” it evokes visceral reactions from guys who think maternity leave is “woke.” The idea that a delicate, right-brained woman could change a tire, read a map, or employ decades of piss-poor coping mechanisms that will ultimately derail her own life without any outside assistance is unfathomable, spine-tingling, and possibly even sacrilegious.

Historically, women have relied on men to get things done for no other reason than that societies tend to prioritize the male viewpoint, and function as such. Though our grandmothers and great-grandmothers might have dreamed of being trailblazers, it was illegal for women to wear pants back then, and it’s not easy to blaze trails in a poodle skirt and Victorian corset. Thankfully, times have changed, and this local woman is taking advantage of the freedoms her ancestors couldn’t enjoy by fucking up her life with no help from a man.

After years of being chided by older members of her family asking, “When are you going to settle down and find a nice-passing guy to undermine your confidence, strip you of your identity, and ultimately ruin your one god-given life?” local feminist icon Tina Kirk posed a revolutionary question to herself. “What if I could ruin my life more effectively than any man ever could?” Armed with the knowledge that anything is possible as long as you believe in your self-sabotage, she set out to do just that.

Kirk doesn’t expect the older women in her family to understand, and how could they? She comes from a long line of great aunts who were given lobotomies for staying out too late at barn dances and grandmothers who couldn’t buy a car without a permission slip from their husbands. Their inability to accept the fact that an unmarried, single woman can fuck up their own life so badly that even strangers advise them to “just give up,” and “find god” is just a symptom of generational trauma.

Why employ a man to impart doubt, imposter syndrome, and poor self-image when you have a wide range of anxiety disorders to do it for you? These days, women have the freedom to vote for one of two presidential candidates who will both actively try to dismantle their rights. Now that’s power. A woman can legally file for divorce and spend her entire settlement on Venetian blinds in the fit of mania without being institutionalized, and that, ladies, is progress.

Right Wing Rap-Rock Band Releases New Single “Cop Kisser”

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Local rap-rock band Antagonyze released their latest single “Cop Kisser” which they say should act as a blueprint on how to appreciate and respect all members of law enforcement, sources close to the band confirmed.

“Yo, it makes me sick how much hate I see for cops online. These brave men and women put their mothafuckin’ bodies on the line for us every single day and the best way I could show my appreciation is to write a dope ass song about how we all need to be kissing more cops right on the lips,” said frontman Krazy Karl. “I love cops so much that I’ll speed through school zones hoping to get pulled over. When they ask for my license and registration I’ll give them a little smooch on the hand, and then it’s time to french. This country would be so much better if we all got a little bit more mothafuckin’ comfortable with showing physical affection toward cops, that’s what this dope song is all about.”

Gainesville police officers are aware of the new song and fully support the message.

“Most songs you hear about law enforcement are about how we are all monsters and how cops should be killed. It’s nice to finally have a hard-rocking song about tenderness towards police,” said Officer James Torres. “Sometimes the stress of this job can get to me. Just the other day I had to sit in my car for 45 minutes while two people sorted out a minor traffic accident. People don’t understand how mentally taxing it can be to just sit in a car for eight hours straight. But then a band like Antogonyze comes along and cheers me up. I’m lucky enough to have kissed two members of the band already.”

Music critics across the country have roundly dismissed the song as nothing more than cop-aganda.

“I was expecting Dick Wolf to be a producer on this song. The lyrics are mainly about how cops are superheroes and the least we can do as citizens is gently kiss a cop’s lips to show our appreciation. I roundly disagree with the sentiment and believe we need massive reforms to law enforcement,” said Lauren Terria. “Not to mention, musically the song is a mess. They lifted entire basslines from Korn, the vocals sound like they were recorded in a tin can, and I think they used GarageBand to fill out the drum parts. My version of hell is listening to this song on repeat.”

At press time, Antagonyze announced on Truth Social they were just tapped to perform at the Gainesville Policeman’s Ball.

Five Songs We Listened To This Week While Googling ‘What Is The Stock Market?’

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Congratulations! You’ve made it through another week of wildly conflicting information and malaise. You probably don’t deserve a break, but you should take one anyway. One of the easiest things you can do to unwind is listen to lots of loud abrasive music, and we have you covered. Here are five songs we listened to that are sure to help you forget your one stock in NOS Energy Drink is absolutely plummeting.

Turnstile ‘Never Enough’

‘YOOOOOO! NEW TURNSTILE, BRUH!’ This is something you’ve heard your roommate that’s four months late on rent say repeatedly around the apartment, sometimes even in their sleep. That’s because Turnstile finally announced the follow-up to their 2021 breakthrough LP ‘Glow On.’ Title Track ‘Never Enough’ finds the hardcore outfit continuing their experimentation with pop sensibility, but it still shreds. Imagine being crowd-killed by someone who just discovered the concept of an inner child. Sure, that elbow hurts, but that’s the first step toward healing.

My Chemical Romance ‘I’m Not Okay (I Promise) [Live From BBC Radio 1’s ‘The Lock Up’ 2005]

My Chemical Romance’s ‘Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge’ is celebrating its 20th anniversary this year, a stark reminder that the march of time is constant, unforgiving, and will spare no one. To mark the occasion, the band is re-releasing the album with a new mix and a bevy of unreleased live material of the era. One of those said tracks has been released with the reissue announcement and it’s wild. If you find yourself listening to this live version of the breakout track and marveling at how rowdy it is compared to the pristine production of the original, it’s time to take your blood pressure medication.

Pissed Jeans ‘Waves of Fear (Lou Reed cover)’

Leave it to Pissed Jeans to take a Lou Reed song and make it even more concerning sounding. The band’s cover of Reed’s classic ‘Waves of Fear’ is the musical equivalent of a composite sketch of an unidentified serial killer – definitely close to the real thing, but more menacing and we don’t like the eyes. The arrangement groans like someone trying to stand up after looking at their 401k for hours on end. It’s bleak, gross, and the perfect soundtrack for all of the horrors of today.

Murder By Death ‘Wandering’

You may have heard from your friend who claims to be a homesteader, but actually just has a garden, that Murder By Death is breaking up after 24 long years of being your favorite band’s favorite band. Though they will cease to tour after a long run of farewell shows this year, the orchestral folk rock outfit will be leaving us with one final album, ‘Egg and Dart.’ The lead single ‘Wandering’ evokes the feeling you often get while watching that one Folger’s commercial that makes you cry unexplainably. As if every happy memory you’ve ever held has been caught in a dust storm. It’s really good, is what we’re trying to say here.

Noble Rot ‘Hang On’

We’re all still pretty bummed about METZ’s indefinite hiatus, but at least it means we get new music from frontman Alex Edkins side project, Noble Rot – which also features Holy Fuck’s Graham Walsh. If you didn’t catch their debut album last year, no sweat. Just imagine dance music for people who would rather be reading a book. Their latest single ‘Hang On’ continues on with that formula, but adds in more ominous psychedelia. It sounds like something your weird science teacher from high school would play during a lab day, but cooler
.

You need… more music? Jeez. Seems a little ungrateful, but whatever. We made a playlist of these and every other song we’ve listened to this year. Check it out below and don’t say we never did anything for you.