PHOENIX, Ariz. – Joel Simmons, 24, is certain the only way to turn his lackluster love life around is to grab the attention of women in attendance at the Gas Wipe show with his encyclopedic knowledge of every lyric to every song being played.
So far, the first part of the plan is going smoothly, as Simmons handled the opening two acts without missing a single lyric. Simmons feels the fact he was, at times, the only person singing along or moving at all puts him in a league of his own — which the girls must notice.
“Thankfully I am friends with the dudes in Gas Wipe and The Nocturnal Truth, so they texted me all the lyrics beforehand,” said a sweaty Simmons as he struggled to catch his breath. “I spent a lot of time just listening to their Bandcamp pages before the show. Call me crazy, but I think it is working. I see some girls looking.”
Simmons was not wrong in his assessment of the crowd taking notice. One showgoer expressed serious concern.
“Is that chubby dude going to be OK?” said Lisa Marley in between text messages. “He has already sweated through his camo shorts and the headliner hasn’t even arrived yet. If this fuck boy keeps it up he’s going to pass out.”
After every song Simmons can be seen scanning the room in hopes a member of the opposite sex waves him over to talk about his amazing ability to parrot back every word.
Despite not yielding any positive results Simmons remains confident the plan will work. “As long as the dudes in ClearlyxStraight don’t play any new songs I should be fine, but they are a straight edge band so I could probably just yell some shit about ‘brotherhood’ and ‘never giving in’ and nobody would notice,” said a shirtless and exhausted Simmons as he slumped against the wall under a ventilation fan. “Honestly, I think after a few more shows I should be able to sing along to his little speeches inbetween songs — they’re all the same.”