VIRGINIA BEACH, Virg. – Wedding season is in full swing, which means one thing: The nation’s punks are struggling with their wardrobe choices. But one young man, invited to his “normal” sister’s wedding, feels he has successfully put together the perfect outfit — a Fred Perry polo and his cleanest black jeans.
“I hate these weddings, man. I haven’t been in a church since I was like 12,” said the well-dressed punk Charlie “Stink Rose” Dignan. “But hey, I love my sister and I wanted to be here for her. I just feel like a corporate tool dressed like this. I even wore deodorant today. . . the things I do for family.”
Dignan is not the only person struggling to find the appropriate outfit at family gatherings this summer. All across the country punks are looking for the perfect outfit to maintain street credibility if they are to be photographed, but also remain presentable enough to not upset the elderly wedding guests.
Fashion blogger Marcus Wilson applauded Dignan in his choice of attire. “Lots of people just wear the suit of a dead grandfather, but that’s tacky. The suit wasn’t tailored for your body and it’s common knowledge that wearing a dead man’s suit to a wedding means the couple will have trouble conceiving a child. This young punk here took the time to put on some relatively clean pants and a sensible shirt, and he should be applauded,” said Wilson.
Dignan completed the ensemble by wearing Doc Martens boots, which he claims were the closest things to dress shoes he could find on short notice.
The wedding will not be the only time Dignan is required to wear the same exact outfit.
“I have a job interview coming up that I will need to dress up for, and my grandparents are getting really old. So I will probably be wearing this again to the funerals. All my other shirts are really disgusting. I just hope I don’t spill anything on this shirt because I can’t afford to have it dry cleaned,” Dignan said as he helped himself to a plate full of shrimp with cocktail sauce.