Man Clearly Going Through Something Buys Really Big Fantasy Book

Posted on by Jesse Kubanet

LOS ANGELES  — Local 33-year-old Dylan Arnold, who is either in the middle of a breakup or just lost his job, was recently seen in a Barnes & Noble purchasing a really, really big fantasy book, confirmed sources who tried not to stare but just couldn’t help it.

“I guess there are supposed to be like 22 of these or something,” said Arnold while holding book one of a fantasy series no one’s even heard of. “It isn’t even finished yet. I guess the author died so some other fantasy writers are going to finish it for him. Lucky guy. Either way, I just need something, anything to fill my time. This 1,800-page novel will do. The book was so heavy that I needed help from an associate to carry it to my car. It was nice to experience some human interaction before I don’t talk to anyone for the next month.”

The massive tome of a book caught the eye of fellow shopper Greg Cobb, who couldn’t believe the size of this fucking thing. 

“That disheveled man, who clearly was just told that he has a terminal illness or someone stole his identity, was meandering about with the biggest book I’ve seen in all my years,” said Cobb. “I have no clue how anyone could finish a book that large, but he clearly does not bother with showering or clean clothes, so I suppose he now has a lot of free time on his hands.” 

Jonathan Shouta of Harper Collins Publishing noted that men who are clearly going through something make up a significant portion of readership in the fantasy genre.

“Our books provide a wonderful escape for someone who was likely saving up for an engagement ring before their partner told them they were moving to Denver,” said Shouta. “The worlds our authors create allow for our readers to divide into lands unknown. Places where they haven’t just been let go from a position that was supposed to be temporary and ended up being eight, miserable, under-paid years. We are also very popular in prisons.” 

At press time, Arnold was seen utilizing the bookstore’s buy-one-get-one free cookie promotion on his receipt for his first meal of the day at 8:30 p.m.  

The Next “Angel Is the Centerfold”? I Think My Old High School Crush Is in This Footjob Cumpilation

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Few bands had a hit in the eighties that resonated with so broad an audience as J. Geils Band did with their catchy 1981 tune “Centerfold”. Its toe-tapping melody and earworm chorus appealed to followers of the then-burgeoning nu-wave movement while retaining just enough of the watered-down, 1970s blues-rock the band was rooted in to keep the Baby Boomers nodding their heads. Well, I may have found the inspiration for the next iteration of this classic, because I think I just noticed my high school crush in this footjob cumpilation!

Seriously, I just opened up XHamster for my evening wank and stumbled across a video containing who I believe to be Kaitlin Steinfeller, who I was obsessed with throughout all of 10th grade. She sat right in front of me in both homeroom and Algebra II and probably didn’t even know I existed, because she was a super popular cheerleader and I wasn’t interested in much besides, well, jacking off. I suppose not much has changed. Anyway, I’m thinking I should write a popular song about this.

Is that really her around the seven-minute mark? Right after the lady in the pigtails, but just before the collection of stocking-clad actresses that closes out the video. The only thing throwing me off is that her feet are manipulating a man who appears to be uncircumcised, and I’m pretty sure Kaitlin is still a hostess at the Olive Garden in Lansing. I don’t think she moved to Europe. Oh well, maybe this guy is a German expat, or his parents are religious freaks or something. It doesn’t matter, because I’m like 80% certain that’s her. 

Is this how artistic inspiration works? I feel just like J. Geils. All I need is some musical talent and a video with dancing babes in a classroom, and I’ll be set for life. I think I still have an old electric guitar that I never bothered to unpack when I moved into this place three years ago. I could be a star! This is my ticket to fame, fortune, and as much sex as I can handle! All I need to do is grab that guitar and—

Never mind, I just came. I’m suddenly not the slightest bit interested in any of this. Time to clear my history, close my laptop, and boot my Xbox back up. What were we talking about again?

Marky Ramone Announces Ramones Reunion Show With Hologram Joey Ramone, Hologram Johnny Ramone, Hologram Dee Dee Ramone

Posted on by Bobby Korec

BROOKLYN HEIGHTS, N.Y. — Ramones drummer Marky Ramone announced an upcoming reunion show that will feature hologram versions of Joey Ramone, Johnny Ramone, and Dee Dee Ramone, confirmed sources who couldn’t wait to maybe check it out.

“It’s been 30 years since the Ramones disbanded and now we’re back. This time in 3D,” said Marky Ramone while repeatedly flickering the switch for hologram Dee Dee Ramone on and off. “It was about time the founding members put their differences aside from beyond the grave and reunited iridescently. Unfortunately, we only have the hologram technology for one show. Then hologram Joey is going to embark on a 50-city solo tour. Kind of a dick move. But to be honest, hologram Joey Ramone and hologram Johnny Ramone can’t be in the same room together for too long before bickering, which then makes their three-dimensional light waves neutralize each other. It’s like nothing’s changed.”

Fans of the bands couldn’t be more excited for the reunion.

“I’m so pumped to see hologram Joey Ramone stand motionless and stare at the floor during the entire set, just like back in the day,” said longtime fan Kenneth Yousef. “I heard there will also be a meet and greet with the holograms after the show too. I have so many questions to ask hologram Johnny. Like, what is his favorite song to play live? And what is it like to be digitally recreated like puppets and exploited for profit for powerful concert ticket distributors like Ticketmaster? Man, this show is going to rule.”

Music historian Grace Reynolds believed these kinds of concerts could be gaining steam.

“When multiple members of your band have deceased, it can be hard for the surviving members to cash in on that sweet reunion money,” said Reynolds. “Thankfully, hologram technology has made it possible for aging musicians to join in on the nostalgia bucks. And at some point, hologram technology will become so powerful that it will be coming for the currently living musicians’ jobs too. Let’s face it. No one wants to see a 70-year-old dude up there playing songs they wrote as a teenager. We’d prefer to see them in laser form. They might as well be dead.”

At press time, hologram Dee Dee Ramone was replaced by real-life C.J. Ramone after Marky Ramone remembered he was still alive.

Dirty Dishes Stalemate Reaches Plastic Fork Stage 

Posted on by Jesse Kubanet

LOS ANGELES — A three bed, one bath apartment located in the Highland Park neighborhood reached a critical inflection point between roommates as a dirty dishes stalemate officially reached the plastic fork stage, confirmed sources who refused to budge.

“There’s no way I’m doing them. Not again. I just did them last month,” said 24-year-old Blake Soderstrom, while grabbing a plastic fork to finish his $27 Erewhon parfait. “I’m basically never here and eat most of my meals over the bathtub. Sure, I’ve got maybe a cup or two in the sink. Maybe three, at most. Not to mention a small handful of plates. And maybe a dozen forks and spoons. But that’s it. Anyway, who’s counting?”

Sources close to the scene say at least four pots have been “left to soak” and almost every mug, cup, and wine glass has been stacked in such a way that one additional item would cause a crash not seen since Northridge, 1992. 

“It’s Jared’s turn,” claimed 23-year-old Amber Witherspoon. “I always end up caving and spending three and a half hours doing the dishes, but not this time. I have too much going on right now. We have the chore wheel for a reason. I don’t care if I have to eat my Chobani yogurt with a spork from Tender Greens while hovering over the garbage can, which someone should also do something about. Not me though. I can barely smell the rotting food that’s been in there since Thanksgiving.” 

Sean Phillips, Secretary of the Los Angeles Housing Development, noted that a mountain of dirty dishes is a common incident across Los Angeles, reaching as far as San Bernardino. 

“These types of stalemates can weigh heavily on our underpaid and overworked Angelinos,” said Phillips. “The fact that 83% of LA apartments do not come with dishwashers only make these situations more common. Plus, people tend to overcook their Trader Joe’s frozen items — leaving significant pan and dish residue.”

At press time, third roommate Jared Grant was seen on the couch watching “The Bold And The Beautiful” eating Quaker Oatmeal out of a Christmas mug using chopsticks from Happy Plus Chinese and didn’t even notice the dishes in the sink. 

Score! Someone Left Their Half-Empty Miller Lite Pounder on Top of This Venue Urinal

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Oh, hell yes! I was having a fucking great time at this Staind concert until that worthless cuck of a bartender cut me off. Said I was bothering the other attendees and creeping out his coworker, as if he didn’t see the “fuck me” eyes she was throwing out while serving me during the opening band’s set. Seriously, how am I supposed to interpret “You want another White Claw?” She clearly wanted me. Anyway, no harm, no foul, because someone left their half-empty Miller Lite pounder on top of the urinal.

Christ, I can’t believe how fucking lucky I am today. Not only is this rare pearl sitting out there for the taking, but all these clueless simps are just pissing nearby without paying it the slightest bit of attention. Well, I’ll just reach over and grab it for myself, then, and leave these dumbshits with their dicks literally in their hands. Fortune favors the bold, my friends. 

Goddamn, am I rolling sixes today, because I just sniffed tentatively around the lip of the can, and I think it’s genuinely filled with beer that some idiot decided he didn’t want. He didn’t even use it as a Skoal spitter like I normally do with my discarded booze vessels. Wait, let me just take a quick sip to make sure. 

Yep, it’s beer. Warm and flat, but beer nonetheless. Honestly, this is better than the day my son was born. Mainly because I was at a nearby bar losing thirty bucks on my DraftKings app when it happened, but that’s neither here nor there. 

Wait, did that guy in the Three Days Grace shirt just give me a disgusted look while walking towards the sink? The fuck is his problem? Eh, whatever. I’m in too good of a mood to throw down with some rando who’s likely just jealous. Also, it would suck to get kicked out before I get a chance to knock some motherfuckers out in the pit during “Mudshovel”. He’s probably an AOC fan or some bullshit.

Oh yeah, he’s washing his hands after peeing. Definitely an AOC fan. God, what a pussy. 

But I digress. What started out as a dejected trip to empty my bladder ended with me triumphantly raising my newfound chalice to the gods. To the victor go the spoils! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going back to the bar to see if I can swipe that asshole’s tips before anyone notices.

Dave Mustaine Reveals He Only Gave His Life to Jesus Christ After Every Other Deity Rejected Him

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LA MESA, Calif. — Megadeth frontman and born again Christian Dave Mustaine revealed that he gave his life over to Jesus Christ only after having been turned down by every other deity, unsurprised sources reveal.

“I was going down a dark path after having practiced black magic as a teenager,” said Mustaine. “Then I got really heavily into drugs after I started Megadeth, and it was only through the infinite mercy and understanding of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ that I was able to climb out of that dark hole. Of course, this was after literally every other deity ever conjured by the human race rejected my pleas for salvation, and I really don’t understand why. I was sure to point out how much better I am at guitar than Kirk Hammett in all of my prayers to these other gods. Maybe you have to speak differently to the creators in non-Christian religions, and I just wasn’t getting the message across.”

Utu, the ancient Mesopotamian sun god, reflected on Mustaine’s failed plea to get in His good graces.

“Ugh, that guy was the fucking worst,” Utu mentioned. “I get that he’s really good at guitar, and admittedly, those first four Megadeth albums are absolutely incredible, but have you ever had to have a conversation with him? He’s like everybody’s Fox News-brainwashed uncle rolled into one person. I’ve got a busy life, man. I’m serving as the divine judge of all of Mesopotamia. I can’t be spending my time listening to his repeated prayers for Megadeth to be admitted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and for James Hetfield and Lars Ulrich to beg for him to rejoin Metallica. Let Jesus put up with that obnoxious bullshit.”

Theologian Russel Wainwright provided his expertise on the matter.

“This is a perfect example of why most born-again Christians are so insufferable,” Wainwright said. “Few nonbelievers know this, but one of the steps on the path to Christ is first going to every other religion’s god to see if they’ll take you in. That’s why the vast majority of Christ’s followers are awful and annoying. They’re only following Him because no other divine beings would give them the time of day. Why else do you think most Republicans are Christian?”

At press time, Jesus Christ was considering kicking Mustaine out of Christianity because he was so irritating.

Punk House Microwave Needs To Be Preheated

Posted on by Rob Ryder

PORTLAND, Ore. — The Black Hole House of Portland reportedly contains a microwave which needs to be preheated, according to concerned yet surprisingly apathetic visitors.

“The microwave has definitely seen some things, like aluminum foil, and even though it takes a bit to get going, it’ll eventually warm up whatever you put in it,” said Doug Glenn, occasional resident and primary cook at the Black Hole. “If you put a frozen burrito in there for one minute you might as well just eat it frozen. You have to run it at least 10 minutes before it really kicks in. When the top of the microwave gets warm to the touch, it should be good for a burrito. When the cord is hot to the touch, it should be good to handle a pot pie. You’ll know your food is done when you see smoke emitting from the back vent.”

Landlady Gina Avery is well aware of the issues with the microwave despite the fact that residents don’t seem to mind the inconvenience.

“I’ve thrown that god damn thing out twice and they keep digging it out of the dumpster,” said Avery while buying 30 rolls of duct tape at Home Depot. “I thought maybe I’d just smash the whole thing to bits next time I’m there, but I’m sure they’d find some way to DIY the parts back together and probably blow up themselves and the whole neighborhood. Honestly, the whole property is going to hell so maybe a small to medium kitchen fire would actually help me start over with the place.”

Punk electrician Jack Harting says small appliances are just one of his specialities and thinks he could keep the microwave running for at least another decade.

“The key to small appliance repair is to make sure you use a good power strip, that way the fires are contained and usually don’t spread to the whole house,” said Harting while jamming a screwdriver into a still running tube amp. “I recommend swiping one from work with 12-gauge wire and at least 20 feet of length, that way it can provide power to the microwave, toaster oven, fridge and maybe some Christmas lights, depending on the time of year, of course.”

At press time, Glenn was boiling a Cup-O-Noodles on top of the microwave while Harting made Hot Pockets inside it.

An Actual Living Hell: You’re Walking at a Slightly Similar Pace as the Person in Front of You

Posted on by Jesse Kubanet

Oh, Christ, not this again. You’re out on a walk through the park by your house, and you’re sort of gaining on the person in front of you. 

Oh no, oh fuck. You’re walking at a slightly similar pace, but also just a little bit faster, and the gap is closing, but closing at an excruciatingly slow rate. This means in order to really pass her, you’re going to have to really pick it up and almost be power walking or, oh my god, jog? Do you just start jogging even though you haven’t been jogging? Then you’ll pass her and have to cascade down into a walk again? What is that? What would that even be? 

If she has headphones on, you might startle her because she won’t realize you’re coming up on her left, oh Jesus. You can’t handle that right now. 

It’s 78 degrees outside and sunny, you’re out to get your 10,000 steps a day, your watch told you to stand up, and this is what happens, oh boy, it’s coming. 

This is a nightmare. You’re walking at a pace where pretty soon you’ll be right next to her and it’ll be like you decided to walk together. 

Oh come on, how can she not know you’re coming? Does she have no spatial awareness? Cough! That’s it, COUGH. Oh, great. Now you’re choking. Now you’re choking on your own spit, and you are right up on her ass. Now you’re going to startle her, and she’ll think you’re sick. Now she’s going to be afraid she’s sick. What if one of her family members is in the hospital, and this little walk is all she has to do to get through the hell that is every day on this god damn planet? 

Ok, phew. She’s breaking off down the other path. That was a relief. You can enjoy your walk now. Keep listening to your podcast about World War I – oh no. No, no, no, what is this old guy doing? Why does he have a walker out here, oh fuck, oh god, oh jeez… 

Report: ‘Dude Looks Like a Lady’ Sucks Too Hard To Worry About How Problematic It Is

Posted on by Steve Packosky

BOSTON — While classic rock band Aerosmith’s hit 1987 single “Dude Looks Like a Lady” has not aged well, it ultimately sucks too hard to worry about its problematic nature, sources confirmed.

“The world has certainly evolved past the point at which writing a song with this subject matter would be acceptable,” reported correspondent Tasha Barton. “However, it’s been unanimously agreed that the song just eats so much shit, so any argument about its supposed merits versus the offensive nature of its lyrics would just be a waste of everybody’s time. Debates over problematic music should be restricted to bands that possess actual artistic value, so while conversations are worth being had about, for example, homophobia in Beastie Boys’ ‘License to Ill’ or the Bad Brains’ ‘Don’t Blow Bubbles,’ we don’t need to talk about some stupid fucking Aerosmith song that just annoys the piss out of everyone who hears it.”

Aerosmith singer Steven Tyler was happy about the news.

“For once, I’m excited to hear about how much people think our music sucks,” Tyler admitted. “Usually, it’s a downer to constantly hear how it’s ‘obnoxious bullshit’ or ‘boring-ass dad rock that makes Seals & Crofts sound exciting by comparison,’ but if this new determination on one of our biggest songs means we don’t get canceled, I’m all for it. We’re still getting some pretty hefty paychecks from the endless radio play, so it would really suck for that spigot to suddenly turn off. I’ll keep ‘Dude Looks Like a Lady’ off the setlist for our inevitable reunion tour.”

Music expert Tori Stillwater thinks this approach can apply to many classic rock songs.

“Sure, a lot of songs we’ve heard ad nauseam are problematic, but are they worth getting in a tizzy over?” Stillwater opined. “We all know that ‘Christine Sixteen’ by KISS is creepy and gross, and ‘Jailbait’ by Ted Nugent is about as awful and disgusting as one would expect it to be after having looked at him, but these songs just straight-up suck too hard to give a fuck. It’s actually refreshing to come across a shitty, problematic classic rock song that isn’t about statutory rape, so I actually give kudos to Aerosmith for that.”

At press time, it was reported that “Love in an Elevator” sucks too hard to be repulsed by the thought of Tyler performing cunnilingus.

Trump Fires Eric as Son

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — Speaking with reporters on Air Force One this morning, President Donald Trump confirmed rumors that he did indeed fire longtime son Eric Trump. 

“We let Eric go, yes, it’s true,” said a reserved, uncharacteristically calm Trump. “Eric’s a terrific guy, we wish him all the best finding a dad in the private sector, but at the end of the day, he just couldn’t deliver. Plus, someone showed me one of those Eric Trump/McPoyle memes from ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,’ and I have to say, not a good look for us. Not hot. Trump needs a hot son, everyone knows that. Nick Fuentes will be my new son for now while we go through candidates and sort some stuff out. Eric, all the best.”  

Trump family insiders have so far supported the president’s decision 100 percent.

“Dad, I mean, er, the President, needs sons that can get results; he’s made that abundantly clear,” said an audibly shaken Barron Trump in a phone interview. “Eric’s a pretty good son, but hey, in this family, you have to be the best if you want to keep your seat at the table. What if Da… I mean, Mr. Trump had a heart attack tomorrow? Don Trump Jr. would be next in line, which would make Eric the vice president? I love the guy, but he’s not ready for that. Maybe him and Tiffany can start a band or an MLM or something, they’ll be fine.” 

When reached for comment, the former Trump son, though notably upset, seemed optimistic. 

“I mean, at the end of the day, if it’s not a good fit, it’s not a good fit. I’ve been fielding a lot of authors. Just this morning, I sat on Elon Musk’s lap for 10 minutes, and he seemed pretty into it, so there’s that. I’m sure I’ll land on my feet. Hell, I’m Eric T… Eric. I’m… Eric.” 

At press time, Nick Fuentes was having a nap time after an hours long goon session.