Well folks, it happened again. There it was, another beautiful sunny Sunday in the park, and the unthinkable happened. Guy leaves his Schnauzer in the car with the windows up so that he can have some peace and quiet away from the wretched beast. Nothing wrong there. It’s a yappy dog. Good to get away from it. Guy also leaves his hunting rifle loose in the car. Nothing wrong there. It’s a nice gun. Good to know the car’s protected. But then something goes wrong, the dog gets a little too energetic, and next thing you know, there’s a Kroger employee lying on the ground with a hole in his butt-cheeks. Terrible story. Happens all too often. And it’s time we did something about it. It’s time to regulate dogs.

Let’s face it. Dogs are dangerous, mangy creatures. You might think you can trust ‘em, with that whole man’s best friend act they’ve got going on. But that’s the long con of a super-predator, working their way slowly into our homes so that they can molest the legs of our old ladies, maul our toddlers, and defecate in our favorite shoes. How sick is that? 

You’ve heard the saying, “guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” Well, think about dogs. Dogs do kill people. A dog can make a lunch out of a baby the way some people suck down boneless wings. Now add a gun to that equation. My God, man.

Now look, I know what you’ll say to me. Ennis, you’ll say, you’ve got twenty-eight guns and five stout attack dogs. But I need those guns and those dogs. I’m a vocal and active member of the NRA, a political force, and I need those guns and those dogs to protect me against my many enemies. We at the NRA actually take gun violence very seriously. And there’s simply no way you can train safety into a creature without opposable thumbs. At least not yet.

Here’s the long and the short. Dogs shoot people. A lot. If you’ve got a gun and you’ve got a dog, you’re really playing games with your life. Between 2014 and 2023, there were twenty-one confirmed incidents of a dog shooting someone. That we know of. That’s not even counting all the times the dog-loving, gun-hating liberal media covered it up. If you factor in all the incidents that don’t get reported, a dog probably shoots an American on average of six times a day. 

So what’s the solution? Well, we simply must regulate dogs. Not everyone should be able to have them, in fact, they should be very rare. A dog is a very dangerous thing in the hands of violent and dangerous people. In the hands of nuts and crazies, a dog is a nuclear weapon. This is why I think we need to take dogs away from violent Americans. Destroy them if necessary. Because as long as dogs are free to continue their reigns of terror, American guns will always fall under the bad image of big-canine. I mean look at Kristi Noem. There’s a lady who does her part. She loves her guns. And she sure hates her dogs.