RFK Jr. Recommends Children Smoke No More Than Two Cigarettes a Day

Posted on by Brian Wishart

WASHINGTON — Robert F. Kennedy Jr. revised the recommended amount of cigarettes children should smoke daily from zero to no more than two, confirmed sources who encourage parents to moderate their children’s cigarette intake rather than completely forbid it. 

“Most adults were children at some point so logically Making America Healthy Again starts with the kids,” said Kennedy. “The facts are out there and the lungs of small children need to have nicotine coating to protect against microplastics and autism. People smoked all the time when I grew up and I grew up big, strong and normal. Inhaling cigarette smoke should not be feared. It should be encouraged to build endurance. Cigarettes are here to stay and the nation’s youth should adapt to smoking rather than reject it entirely.”

Terresa Gallaghar is a second grade student whose parents have encouraged her to follow the new government guidelines

“I hate it,” said Gallaghar. “It’s icky and smells bad. I hate the taste! It makes my fingers yellow! Mommy and Daddy have both said this is going to be good for me in the long term. I will get over the coughing eventually. At least my friends think I look cool with a dart in my hand. I have been feeling angry and sad during class when I cannot smoke. I am a lot more excited for recess because that’s when I am able to smoke with the older kids and teachers in the parking lot.”

Samara Hassan, a spokesperson for the American Lung Association, is critical of the government’s new directive and believes that smoking is not that healthy of a habit for children to develop.

“This is a reckless policy that is not backed by science,” said Hassan. “The scientific community has spent decades informing Americans that cigarette smoke can cause lung cancer and it increases the risk of heart disease. The government is not using fact-based methodology to help the public make healthy choices. I personally encourage my own children that they should, at best, only smoke one cigarette per day.”

At press time, Kennedy also recommended children consume no more than one glass of whiskey per night.

Do You Have a Gambling Problem? Good — Guest Article by Draftkings

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Here at DraftKings, we strive to provide a safe and fun environment for all your sports betting needs. But like anything in life, throwing your hard-earned money on the odds of twelve simultaneous bets hitting at once comes with detrimental financial and mental risks. That’s why we want to remind any of you who come to us for their gambling entertainment to do so responsibly by recognizing the signs of having a gambling addiction.

But in saying that, if you do have a gambling problem, well then, we couldn’t be happier about it!

We know how exciting the feedback loop of winning bets can be. That’s why we spend $100 million per year on advertising to flood every waking second of your day with Kevin Hart commercials and sports analysts discussing odds over actual gameplay. There is quite literally no escape, so why not give in and let DraftKings dominate all your financial decisions and impulse control?

We raked in over $6 billion in revenue last year alone, and we certainly didn’t achieve that by telling people to quit gambling.

But for the sake of meeting the bare minimum requirements, please know when we provide the gambling addiction hotline in size 5 font at the bottom of our ads that we’re doing so with a metaphorical wink, because our in-house research shows that anyone who’s been forced into an intervention by their loved ones is just one parlay hit away from quitting their job. Trust us.

Don’t sit here and act like you think football is exciting. You need something to liven up all the downtime between snaps, so why not fill that void with worrying you’re going to lose your house? You’re just going to spend that money on something stupid, like baby formula or the heating bill.

DraftKings knows you have a choice when it comes to the unyielding proliferation of online sports books, and we thank you for choosing to destroy your life with us. Tell you what, if you don’t tell your wife that you just blew your kid’s college fund, we’ll throw you a $5 credit to try and win it all back on a 1,000,000 to 1 odds bet that the Minnesota Vikings win the Super Bowl. You’re gonna need that money for the impending divorce. 

Just one more bet couldn’t hurt, right?

Loudwire Ranks Mushroomhead Best Nu-Metal Band Named After the Tip of a Penis

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WINDSOR, Colo. — Online media magazine Loudwire anointed Cleveland’s Mushroomhead as the best nu-metal band named after the tip of a penis, sources report.

“We put a lot of thought into this,” said Loudwire writer Scott Connellson. “There are a lot of nu-metal bands out there, but when it comes to those that are named after cockhead, none of the others really comes close to Mushroomhead. Just look at their catalog. With songs like ‘Solitaire/Unraveling’ and ‘Sun Doesn’t Rise,’ how could anybody think that any other penis-tip nu-metal band comes close? Sure, there are bands like Limp Bizkit and Godhead, but we were specifically looking for bands named after the part of the penis where the hole is, and when it came to that, it was no contest.”

Band member Steve “Skinny” Felton was honored by Loudwire’s claim.

“I’ve dedicated my life to this band since we started in 1993, and it has all finally paid off,” Felton gushed. “You have to understand, we didn’t want to be just like every other nu-metal band. We wanted to be the first nu-metal band that people think of when the concept of a penis tip is mentioned. After all these decades of grinding it out to make a living from writing music and touring, we have something we can point to when people ask us if it was all worth it. Let this be a lesson to anyone who wants to start a nu-metal band named after a phallic tip. You can do anything you set your mind to, so don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.”

Roger “D.V.Ent” Warner of British nu-metal band Bellend was disappointed by the news. 

“I really thought my band would make it to the top of this ranking,” Warner lamented. “I mean, I guess I can’t be too upset, though. Mushroomhead are the true progenitors of nu-metal bands named for the penile glans, so if we were going to lose to any band, it makes sense that it would be them. If I’m being completely honest, we never would have gotten into the penis-tip nu-metal game if it weren’t for them. I’d like to congratulate the guys in Mushroomhead and say that it’s an absolute honor to lose to them.”

At press time, Loudwire also ranked Mudvayne the best nu-metal band named after an anus.

Everyone at Coffee Shop Falls for Each Other After ‘Fade Into You’ Plays

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Patrons at a local coffee shop reportedly became infatuated with one another after Mazzy Star’s “Fade Into You” played over the shop speakers, sources confirmed.

“My coworker Brian is absolutely obsessed with some Spotify playlist called Gentle Indie Glow,” said Sarah McDougal, barista at The Bean and The Grind. “Every so often, ‘Fade Into You’ plays, and without fail, everyone in the shop falls hopelessly in love. I tried telling Brian to cut it out with the playlist, and, by the way, to stop using Spotify since they happily run ICE recruitment ads, but he just won’t quit. He claims the playlist makes him feel safe at work and that no other streaming service has a comparable playlist, which is complete bullshit. I’ve resorted to wearing earplugs while working. So far, so good. I haven’t briefly fallen in love in three weeks.”

Local college student Roger Whitman, a regular at the shop, confirmed that he fell deeply in love with everyone there.

“When that song started, it was as if every soul, every being, became a single, radiant heartbeat,” said Whitman, half erect, trembling with awe, tears streaming down his face. “In that moment, I was completely in love with everyone here—from the older gentleman reading the New York Times in the corner to the woman tapping furiously on her MacBook across from me. But it wasn’t just them. I realized that everything, all things, are love. The boundaries between myself and everything else dissolved into the infinite hum of being itself. It was both a fleeting, ecstatic vision and somehow perfectly ordinary, always accessible, like a secret loudly whispered for all eternity.”

Riley Parker, a music psychologist at the University of Vermont, says songs like “Fade Into You” can activate latent collective limerence, likening it to a “sonic pheromone.”

“Music has the power to do incredible things, and let me tell you, this song is one of the most powerful out there,” said Parker. “In fact, the 1994 Winter Olympics in Lillehammer almost didn’t happen. ‘Fade Into You,’ which had been released just the previous September, was accidentally played over the loudspeakers in the Olympic village, and witnesses reported mass swooning, spontaneous kissing, and what can only be described as an outbreak of ephemeral, otherworldly love. Security barely managed to restart the curling matches.”

At press time, the love spell cast on the coffee shop was broken when the playlist was changed and Puddle of Mudd’s “She Hates Me” began playing.

Opinion: Why Would I Watch Reality TV When I Can Just Watch the People I Care About Destroy Themselves With Terrible Choices and Do Nothing To Intervene?

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

Price gouging for streaming services has reached a point of absurdity. That’s why I broadened my horizons for what I am entertained by, and you can, too! Because you know what’s always free? Watching the people that you care about ruin their lives while you kick back and enjoy the show.

I’ve always been a reality TV fan (sorry, not sorry). There are few things that I love more than the thrill of watching some rich piece of shit faced with an eminently solvable problem that still manages to ruin their day. Cooking show drama is at its peak when some alleged chef believes they can make a risotto in fifteen minutes like an asshole. However, my tastes in the genre became refined concurrently with my funds being siphoned from my account with an expedience not seen since the great depression. I found that all reality TV just wasn’t raw enough for my taste. So, still needing my thirst for real-time drama satiated, I discovered the realest reality of all. Because what could possibly be more visceral than watching someone that I personally know ruin their lives?

Not only is it an absolute gas to watch people you care about slip into psychotic conspiracy theory ideologies, or go on racist tirades and lose their jobs, but it’s also free, and you can watch it anywhere you get a signal! 

Who cares what the Kardashians are doing when I can watch a dear friend spend every spare dollar they make on schedule one narcotics and then post about their connections to a higher power or some drug-addled bullshit that sounds like if the Joker wrote manifestos for NPR? 

Love is Blind looks like amateur hour compared to seeing story after story posted of a friend returning to their dogshit partner and then announcing that they’re gonna have a baby now! That’s entertainment for years to come, and it can’t get cancelled! Project Runway has nothing on seeing my best friend from middle school get a face tattoo of a crucifix.

Move over, Masterchef, because one of my friends just spent all their money on a “cultivating the divine masculine within” retreat in LA and got stabbed and left for dead! 

So, don’t lament, reader. Unbeatable entertainment is all around you. All you have to do is care enough to look for it, but not enough to do anything about it. 

Aging Goregrind Band Now Just Taking Lyrical Inspiration From the Changes Naturally Occurring in Their Own Bodies

Posted on by Steve Packosky

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Goregrind band Masticated Genitalia found themselves deriving inspiration from transformations they observed in their own bodies as they got older, sources report.

“When we got started in the early 2000s, I was using an old medical textbook to come up with song ideas and lyrics,” bassist and vocalist Jeff Carter reflected. “That’s where I got titles like ‘Botched Perineoplasty’ and ‘Projectile Torrents of Regurgated Smegmatic Discharge.’ Now that I’ve hit middle age, though, it’s a lot easier for me to just use the daily experience of getting older to gather ideas. I actually just finished writing the lyrics to our upcoming song ‘Advanced Testicular Distension’ after noticing how much my ballsack sags now. A lot of people get stressed out by the process of getting older, but it’s working out pretty well for us.”

Fan Tomas Andrikkson understood what his favorite band was doing.

“I totally get where the guys in Masticated Genitalia are coming from,” Andrikkson said. “I just turned 40 myself, and the other day I got dizzy from standing up too fast. This happened just a couple days after I pulled my groin just stepping into the driver’s seat of my car. I’m going through bullshit like this on a daily basis now, to the point where I’m considering starting a goregrind band myself. Getting old is fucking metal as hell, dude. There’s really no need to get inventive when it comes to writing brutal song lyrics.”

Metal expert Rochelle Asefa weighed in on the situation.

“With extreme metal still being a relatively new genre, we’re just now starting to see bands reach their middle and golden years,” Asefa provided. “And representatives of all subgenres are using it as their muse when writing new material or exhibiting behaviors typical of their music’s style. I just did a case study of an old black metal band in Norway that set fire to their nursing home because they were too tired to walk to the nearest church, and I’ve heard that there’s an old progressive death metal guitarist who set his pacemaker to have his heart beat at 150 BPMs so he could use it as a metronome. We will continue to see situations like this going forward, so I’m excited to see what the future has in store for us.”

At press time, Masticated Genitalia decided to write a concept album about Carter’s upcoming colonoscopy.

JD Vance Relieved To Learn Couch Unharmed After Home Vandalization

Posted on by Matt Dooman

CINCINNATI — A suspect is in custody today after breaking a window in the Ohio home of Vice President JD Vance, who expressed tremendous relief that none of his prized couches were harmed in the altercation. 

“When I first got the call, a million horrifying thoughts came into my mind. ‘Are the couches okay? Are they all accounted for? Has there been any damage to the upholstery?’ It was a truly terrifying moment,” recalled Vance during a Zoom interview this morning. “Thankfully, the only thing that was damaged was a window and my family’s psyche. It’s moments like these where you really just need to count your blessings and thank God for keeping your furniture safe. If anything ever happened to Lesslie (my Crate & Barrel 2-piece sectional), I honestly don’t know what I would do.” 

The Vice President was evidently still rattled by the incident, continuing to catastrophize what may have become of his most intimately cherished furnishings. 

“I wasn’t worried about the brown leather channel from Poly and Bark, hell, I can tell you firsthand that whatever you dish out to that baddie, she’ll throw it right back, but the La-Z-Boy Piper? The antique fainting couch? Hell, Brittany is just an ottoman for Christ’s sake, she’d be defenseless!”   

A Secret Service agent recalled debriefing the Vice President on the incident. 

“He was pretty anxious on the phone. I made sure to tell him that his family was safe right off the bat, but he kept saying ‘What about my loved ones?!’ Took us a while to figure out he was talking about the couches. Aside from a few questionable stains that looked like they had been there long before the vandalism incident, they seemed fine. Then we handed the phone over to his wife, and before she could get a word out, I just heard him screaming, ‘Put the couch on the phone! I want to talk to the couch!’ I guess being shook up like that makes a man behave strangely sometimes.” 

This is a breaking story, and we will have more as it develops. 

Punk Hibachi Chef Throws Cigarette Butts Into Patrons Mouths

Posted on by Violet Cowdin

BOSTON — Local punk hibachi chef Joey “Skunk” Robins reportedly hucks cigarette butts into the mouths of customers as opposed to squirting sake, confirmed sources.

“I’m just trying to give customers an experience they will never forget and they never do, as evidenced by the many one- and two-star reviews on Yelp,” explained Robins while smoking multiple cigarettes at once. “One day I’m ripping cigs and tossing some shrimp in a pan while cooking at home, then suddenly I get paid to do it in front of a live and hungry audience. Turns out customers didn’t like it when I put out a lit Marlboro on the chicken teriyaki meal they were about to eat. This was the next best option. Anyway, one day I hope to open a hibachi space of my own that could feed and provide secondhand nicotine to an entire punk scene.”

Some patrons found their hibachi experience confusing and frankly painful.

“I thought I was at a regular hibachi restaurant until I was already seated and the chef was using my hand to play five finger fillet,” said John Jensen, a Boston area normie. “After I left the restaurant, I was covered in bruises from Skunk’s attempted stage dive that occurred mid-meal. I think every culture should be celebrated, but I left that place with a broken rib and a cigarette burn on the top of my mouth that looks like a bullet hole. I’m not sure if I should call the cops or try to get a refund. What is the policy in a situation like this?”

Although some left appalled, others found surprising solace in their dining experience, such as local food critic Elias Roxy.

“I was an empty shell of myself for so long. Going from place to place eating wagyu, caviar, saffron souffle, you name it, but my soul remained hollow,” said Roxy. “The first time I walked into Hibachi Pit a half-smoked American Spirit hit me in the face. But against all odds, I sat down and tried to order and those next few hours changed the course of my life. I’ve never felt more alive, more odorous, or more metal. You’ll never catch me eating the food of the bourgeoisie ever again.”

Since the rave review, Hibachi Pit has caught the attention of diners across the country as well as the Boston Department of Health.

Help! I Said “Sussudio” Three Times in the Bathroom Mirror and Now I’m Being Haunted by Phil Collins

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

It was my very first sleepover party, and everything was going great. My parents warned me that staying the night at someone else’s house could be “scary” and “new,” and that if anything went wrong, I should call them immediately.

All my friends from Mr. Edwards’s fourth-grade class were there: Steven Carter, Bobby Warner, Charles, Chris, and even Jake Jandrowski.

Steven’s house was SO NICE. His parents ordered a giant cheese pizza, we played Nintendo Switch for hours, and we ate potato chips straight from the bag. Then we had a Carvel ice cream cake for Steven’s birthday, and I ate a HUGE slice.

Once we got into our sleeping bags, Bobby Warner said he had a dare for us. Bobby Warner always had a dare.

“Have you guys ever heard of… Sussudio?” he whispered.

We all shook our heads.

“If you go into the bathroom,” Bobby said, “turn off the lights…lock the door…look into the mirror…and say ‘Sussudio’ three times, Phil Collins will appear.”

We gasped. “Nuh-uh,” I said.

Bobby nodded, deadly calm. “Yeah-huh.”

Nobody moved. The room went silent.

“I’ll do it,” I said. “I’ll go in, lock the door, look in the mirror, and say ‘Sussudio.’”

“Three times!” shouted Bobby.

“Three times,” I said.

I went into the bathroom, shut off the lights, locked the door, and said, “Sussudio, Sussudio, Sussudio.”

The bathroom began to rumble. Whooshing surrounded me. Drums started to play, then a synth, then a sax. A disembodied blue head appeared. It was Phil Collins — the exact Phil Collins from the “Sussudio” single cover. He began to sing.

“THERE’S THIS GIRL THAT’S BEEN ON MY MINNNND, ALL THE TIME, SUSSUSUDIO, OH OH!”

I screamed and backed into the door, fumbling with the lock until it finally opened. I bolted out. But Phil followed.

Everyone screamed as Steven’s dad came rushing downstairs.

“TELL ME you didn’t say ‘Sussudio’ three times in the mirror with the door locked and the lights off!” he yelled. “PLEASE tell me you did not do that.”

“BUT I THINK SHE LIKES ME JUST THE SAME, SUSSUSUDIO, OH OH!” Phil continued.

“I think I’m going to have to call your parents, Michael,” Steven’s dad said.

Well…let me tell you. My parents were SO mad, and they’re still mad. They hired a spirit medium to get rid of him, but she’s booked until next week. So I’m grounded until then, and Phil won’t stop singing. Ugh. I wish I had never said “Sussudio.” Help! I’m in too deep! 

Jimmy Fallon Joins ICE to Help Round Up Other Talk Show Hosts

Posted on by Ben Friedman

NEW YORK — “The Tonight Show” host Jimmy Fallon shocked the comedy world after revealing he has voluntarily joined ICE to assist with rounding up other American talk show hosts who have spoken ill of the Trump administration, NBC executives confirmed.

“I got this great new segment where I join ICE, and hunt down my talk show host colleagues like the unpatriotic dogs they are. Unlike them, I’m unemployable outside of ‘The Tonight Show’ so if I have to escort Stephen Colbert to a black site in El Salvador to not get cancelled, I’m down,” said Fallon. “I never wanted to pick a side in this political battle, unlike my writing staff I had disappeared for mocking the President. But once I track down Jimmy Kimmel and turn him over to the state once and for all, I’ll secure myself a primetime spot when all the networks are consolidated into ‘TrumpTV’ in a few years.”

Fellow late night host and former SNL co-star Seth Meyers was mortified that he’d betray them.

“That giggling, backstabbing son of a bitch. He just busted into 30 Rock with an army of agents and started hunting us down one by one. One of the pages said she saw Kelly Clarkson being dragged away in a giant beer pong cup prop, like it was all some kind of sick joke. Thankfully I managed to hide in the one place he’s too afraid to enter, Lorne Michaels’ office,” said Meyers. “If I can hold out another 15 minutes, it should give Craig Ferguson enough time to arrive with the chopper and get us to Canada. Fucking hell, if Jimmy wanted to sell out that badly why didn’t he just go on Bill Maher?”

DHS Secretary Kristi Noem commended Fallon for his efforts.

“After trying to silence Kimmel backfired, we caught a break when Jimmy came to us and offered to use his connections to locate and eliminate other hosts we’ve labeled enemies of the state in exchange for permanent relevancy. This is exactly the kind of leverage we needed, especially after Conan O’Brien single-handedly took out 40 ICE agents last week,” said Noem. “Once we can get Jay Leno and James Corden fitted for uniforms, our team of grating, milquetoast centrist hacks is going to really bust some heads.”

As of press time, Fallon put on an exclusive performance for the detained contemporaries by slow jamming the news they were being sent to Alligator Alcatraz.