Lime Wedges Served With Cans of Tecate at Local Dive Bar Only Reason Punk Doesn’t Have Scurvy

Posted on by Steve Packosky

PITTSBURGH — A regular intake of lime wedges served with his favorite beer at local dive bar The Rock Room was apparently the only thing keeping punk Dennis Koranski from succumbing to scurvy, sources report.

“I guess I don’t think too much about proper nutrition,” Koranski admitted as he sucked on a lime wedge plucked from the top of his can of Tecate. “Maybe I’ll eat some kielbasa or pierogies if the bar I’m in is serving them and someone else is buying, or I’ll find something good in the trash while I’m walking home, but other than that, I’m more interested in beer than food. It’s probably not the best thing for me, but I actually feel great minus the hangovers and occasional alcohol poisoning. Other than that I must be doing something right, so I’m just going to keep doing what I’m doing. You mind if I bum a cig?”

Koranski’s friend Diane Lowery was puzzled at his physical state.

“Dennis and I have basically the exact same lifestyle, and I feel like shit all the time,” Lowery noted. “We eat the same stuff, so I don’t know how he feels so good. The only difference I can think of is I prefer Pabst Blue Ribbon while he drinks Tecate, but that can’t be it. My muscles are constantly sore and I’ve actually started to lose teeth. I don’t know what’s going on with me, or why the same things aren’t happening to Dennis. Just the other day we both got worried when my skin broke out in this horrible rash, but we ultimately decided to just go to the bar instead of the hospital.”

Koranski’s doctor Theo Czekovic was not surprised by the situation.

“You have no idea how many punks are narrowly avoiding catching diseases that have been all but eliminated in modern society,” Czekovic opined. “Clearly, Dennis is staying alive solely because of the lime wedges he’s consuming with his daily alcohol. I’ve had unvaccinated punk patients who are only staving off smallpox by eating a daily leaf of lettuce with their McDonald’s burgers, and I’m convinced one of my patients doesn’t have polio solely because I instructed him to begin washing his hands regularly. I guess I’ll just tell Dennis to keep drinking his Tecates.”

At press time, it turned out the only reason Koranski didn’t have bubonic plague was because he had inadvertently been inoculated through his constant exposure to fleas.

Here Are 8 Other Euphemisms for Jerking off Violent Femmes Rejected

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

Songwriting can be a beautiful, if frustrating, process. The undertaking of perfectly evoking a universal human emotion or experience is a creative Everest, but as many songwriters will attest, it can be one of the most rewarding experiences for a true artist.

Take the runaway hit “Blister in the Sun” by Violent Femmes. It can be difficult to distill the essence of the experience of jerking yourself off, but the band was committed to perfection and wouldn’t stop until they had the exact right language. Here are some euphamisms for jerking off they rejected along the way.

Celebrating Palm Sunday
As everyone knows, “Celebrating Palm Sunday” was coined by the lesser-known faction of Catholic priests who actually abstain. The band considered throwing them a shout-out for not being abusers, but considered whether they would alienate other religions.

Beef strokenoff
This phrase was, of course, popularized by chefs at Le Cordon Bleu. The band worried it would distance them from their less fancy fan base.

Beating your meat
This is a symptom of the American male psyche and the need to make everything violent. Despite the fact that they make jokes about not wanting other people to hurt their penis, men seem to want to hurt themselves. The band did not consider this one for long.

Gone Daddy Gone
This was deemed a better fit for the song “Gone Daddy Gone.”

Choking the chicken
This was popularized by rural farmers who had no other references…on hand. The band was considering going vegan at the time and didn’t want to encourage animal cruelty.

Strangling the snake
The male mind is simple when you figure it out. This is obviously an escalation of violence from “choking the chicken.” But the Violent Femmes, though violent, are still femmes and they felt it was steering a bit too stereotypically male with this one.

Murdering miscellaneous animals
Though the obvious logical conclusion of the aggression towards animals category of male masturbation euphemisms, the band surprisingly considered this one for a while until they ran into rhyming issues.

One armed third leg workout
A niche description that originated in the southern region of the Jersey Shore, the band ultimately decided it was a bit of a mouthful.

We hope you’ve enjoyed this journey through jerking as much as we have, and that it will color your masturbatory experiences both with and without Violent Femmes playing in the background.

Disney Marriage Gets Disney Annulled

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ORLANDO — Guests at the Disney theme wedding of Diane Ferraro and James Cunningham were shocked after it was announced during the reception that the marriage would immediately be annulled Disney style, the bride’s family confirmed.

“I can’t believe we spent thousands to rent out Cinderella’s castle and get the legacy characters to officiate the wedding just to find out my husband has been a secret Potterhead this whole time. Our life together has been a sham from the start and I want a full blown Disney annulment,” said Ferraro. “My lawyer is on his way dressed as Captain Hook, and then I’m going to make my husband’s entire family watch as I have the Seven Dwarves curb stomp the marriage license. And if that lying bastard still wants to get wedding photos on Space Mountain, he can go in the single rider line.”

The actors hired to be part of the wedding attempted to cheer everyone up in light of the marriage dissolution.

“Gawrsh, I couldn’t imagine my pals and I would be gettin’ these folks married just to see them cancel the whole darn thing a few hours later, but that’s the way it goes. Good thing I can be a witness to get Miss Diane’s nasty nuptials nixed at the onsite jail’s courthouse,” said Goofy, whose real name was not given so as not to break the immersion. “Lying to your bride, boy some people ain’t got no class! But we’ll turn her frown upside down once the judge says this marriage is invalid, ah-hyuk.”

Divorce attorneys noted that a surprising number of character-themed weddings result in corresponding dissolutions.

“Whenever my colleagues and I see adults throw a wedding with IP meant for children, we know that representing their split is going to be just as magical. I know it’s a serious moment but there’s something about watching two people dressed as King Triton and Ursula sobbing in court that just rekindles the magic of seeing ‘The Little Mermaid’ for the first time,” said attorney Jocelyn Williams. “Let’s face it, if you threw a Shrek wedding, you’d probably dress up as the characters during the custody hearing to have it all come full circle. Otherwise you’d just look stupid looking back on it.”

Despite the annulment, Ferraro proceeded with the reception and was seen in better spirits being grinded on by the Hunchback of Notre Dame and Donald Duck.

As a Conservative, I Will Be Leaving NYC and Moving to the Riyadh Comedy Festival

Posted on by danerice

Well New York City, you’ve had a good run, but it’s clearly over. The “people” (liberals) have spoken, and Zohran Mamdani will soon be sworn in as mayor. Like any proud NYC conservative male, I’m jumping ship before the communist scourge of affordable housing and free public transportation turns this place into a Mad Max warzone. It pains me to say goodbye to the city I once loved, but I’m sailing on to greener pastures, to a place that lines up with my beliefs and my ideals, a place where people get it. I have decided to relocate to the Riyadh Comedy Festival in Saudi Arabia. 

I look around this place, and what do I see? People struggling. People with diseases and mental illness in desperate need of help and resources. Single mothers not sure where their children’s next meal will come from. I see this, and I am horrified, knowing that these disenfranchised souls might soon get a leg up, which I consider a huge personal threat. 

Then I look at the Riyadh comedy festival. Wow. Talk about my scene. People who are already enormously rich getting paid obscene amounts of money just for telling it like it is? Provided that “telling it like it is” doesn’t criticize the state in any way, which is only fair? Sign me the hell up! It’s not like you’re allowed to say anything anymore in this country anyway! Just look at what happened to our own President when he called Jews voting for Mandami “stupid.” People said he was mean and wrong! That’s basically fascism. 

I don’t know a ton about Saudi Arabia, but what I do know is that they respect the time-honored traditions of haves and have-nots. As a lifelong have, that works for me, dawg! Some of them even have slaves over there! Meanwhile, I’m over here being pressured to tip my Uber driver by a really intimidating screen. Well, enjoy your tyranny, New Yorkers, I’ll be yucking it up with Chappelle and Burr over on the golden shore of freedom that is the Riyadh Comedy Festival.    

I just hope they don’t have any muslims in Saudi Arabia.

Opinion: Dick Cheney Was the Warmest, Kindest Man to Ever Shoot Someone in the Face and Make Them Apologize for It

Posted on by danerice

Former Vice President Dick Cheney passed away yesterday, leaving behind what some have called a murky legacy. How exactly do we remember this complicated, enigmatic man? Some would say “war criminal,” or “Machiavellian,” others “brave” or “patriotic.” Well, I don’t know about all that, but I knew Dick personally, and of my friends I can only say this: Of all the souls I’ve known who have shot men in the face and then strong-armed them into apologizing for it, his was the most human. 

Before I elaborate on Dick’s gregarious warmth, at least in comparison to the extremely niche metric of men who have shot their friends in the face and then had the audacity to turn around and say, “Hey, you really fucked me here, make it right,” let me ask you this: Have you met many people that have shot people and then demanded an appology? They are, to say the least, an unsavory bunch. A lot of them are downright ghoulish, and certainly not the type of people you want to meet down a dark alley. Think Javier Bardem in “No Country for Old Men.” Now, think Dick Cheney. Not so bad, right? 

I happened to be in the room when Dick first visited Harry Whittington in the hospital, and let me tell you, the laughter Dick made upon seeing Whittington’s freshly shot face for the first time was one of the most reserved and stifled laughs I have ever heard. You could really tell that right below damage control and hating Whittington’s dumb face for being in the way of his gun in the first place, concern for his friend was at the top of Dick’s mind. He even asked, “How ya holdin’ up?” before laying out what the consequences of not issuing an immediate public apology for being shot in the face would look like for him. 

What you need to keep in mind is the fact that Dick wasn’t trying to shoot his friend at all! He was trying to shoot a flock of birds that had been surgically rendered incapable of flight. That’s what a good guy he was. 

You so-called “progressives” can finger-wag about “war crime” this and “irreparably damaged the system of checks and balances that held our democracy together” that. I will always just remember the kind, kind man who, after shouting “What the fuck was your face doing there, you idiot?!” and “Jesus, the press is going to eat me alive!” had the compassion to say “Somebody get fuckface a towel or something?! He’s bleeding out like a pig, and these shoes cost more than your life!” 

Rest in peace, Dick. If there’s a crippled bird game park with extremely lax safety regulations in heaven, I know you’re getting one hell of an apology right now. 

White House Honors Dick Cheney With a 21-Gun-To-The-Face Salute

Posted on by Bobby Korec

WASHINGTON — The White House honored late Vice President Dick Cheney with a 21-gun-to-the-face salute, confirmed sources who wanted no part in volunteering for whatever that entailed.

“We are paying tribute to the third greatest vice president in American history the only way we know how,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “As a man whose legacy involved using the military to resolve international disagreements and minor foreign inconveniences as well as mistaking his buddy for a quail while hunting in 2006, this 21-gun-to-the-face salute is our way of honoring the man who was once played by Christian Bale in a movie for some reason. Dick also famously had five heart attacks during his lifetime, so as a bonus display of gratitude, we will be stabbing five immigrants in the chest at random. It’s what Dick would’ve wanted.” 

Former Second Lady Lynne Cheney was pleased with the military sign of respect.

“It was such a touching moment when those White House interns were shot square in the face. I will never forget the beautiful way their heads exploded on impact,” said Cheney. “Dick was known as a peacemaker through military-grade force, so I can’t think of a more appropriate way to celebrate his legacy. People like to make fun of Dick for what he did to his best friend. But honestly, that guy turned out fine, so how bad could it have been? If Democrats had things their way, no one would be allowed to own a 28-gauge shotgun to kill a five-ounce bird or accidentally mangle their friend’s face. That’s freedom right there.”

Experts were quick to note other questionable displays from the White House over the years. 

“For some reason the White House can’t get enough of honoring US warmongers,” said historian Lucille Pierce. “For instance, upon the death of Donald Rumsfeld, the White House tortured a few prisoners using Old Donnie’s personal favorite methods. And when Henry Kissinger died, they ceremoniously blew up the southern tip of Greenland in his honor because he really hated that place and they didn’t think anyone would notice.”

In accordance with his wishes, Cheney’s ashes will be scattered inside a missile before it’s used for a military strike on Iraq.  

Andrew Cuomo Gets Penis Stuck in Ballot Box

Posted on by editorialteam

NEW YORK — Earlier today, New York City mayoral candidate Andrew Cuomo was seen leaving a polling station in an ambulance with a ballot box wrapped around his penis.  

“Just like all of New York City, the ballot box wanted him really badly,” said Cuomo’s campaign manager Greg Goldner, sweat visibly forming on his brow. “So he did what any great mayor would do, give the people (or in this case the ballot box) what it wanted. Becoming aroused by the concept of a democratic election is called patriotism. Mr. Cuomo will not apologize for his passion toward the democratic process. Going the extra step and actually fornicating with a ballot box? Well, that’s just called being Italian.” 

After the news broke of Mr. Cuomo’s latest sex scandal, President Trump took to Truth Social to endorse the candidate a second time. 

“NEW YORK MUST VOTE FOR CUOMO! ONLY A REAL AMERICAN WOULD GET AN ERECTION FOR AN ELECTION, AND IT IS SAID THAT HIS IS ALMOST AS BIG AS MINE! COMMUNIST ZOHRAN WILL KILL ALL FUTURE ELECTIONS AND MAKE ALL ERECTIONS ILLEGAL! GET OUT AND VOTE FOR CUOMO NEW YORK! THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.”

At press time, poll workers are consulting with attorneys to see if the ballots covered in Andrew Cuomo’s semen count as a vote towards Cuomo or just pretty much trash.

Nitrous Mafia Snitch Found at Bottom of Lake Wearing Cement Birkenstocks

Posted on by Mike Maher

BOSTON — Local nitrous dealer James “Lawnboy” Carpenter was found dead at the bottom of Mystic Lake wearing only a pair of cement Birkenstocks, sources close to the waterlogged rat confirmed.

“Everyone thinks Lawnboy got whacked because he snitched. Not true. It’s because he fucking stank,” a nitrous mafia capo who demanded to remain anonymous said. “This wook smelled so foul, the feds followed his stench all the way from The Assembly of the Auras Festival back to our tank refilling facility. Lawnboy’s poor hygiene and even shittier taste in music became too much of a liability, so we strapped a pair of concrete Birks to his grubby little feet and tossed him in the drink. Probably the first bath this hippie’s had in ages. Listen kids, if you want to sling nang for the noz mob, you best watch your ass, and especially wash it.”

Detective Pam Bagg from the Boston Police Marine Unit described the unexpected challenges around recovering Carpenter’s body.

“Visibilty was zero due to the lake being covered in a thick scum of patchouli oil,” Bagg said. “If it wasn’t for Lawnboy’s backpack full of glowsticks, we would have never spotted him. But the real problems occurred upon descent. Our dive team became entangled in what we first thought were reeds but were actually whiteboy dreads, which strangled two of our divers to death before we finally reached Lawnboy, who was still smiling, presumably from one final hit of hippy crack. After jackhammering away at his cement mandals, Lawnboy’s frail, unathletic body floated to the surface easily, as did all the marine life his stench caused to perish.”

Carpenter’s girlfriend Chantal Reese grieves the loss of her primary N20 supplier and soulmate.

“I’m heartbroken,” Reese sobbed above the hiss of her nitrous tank. “Lawnboy was a dope boyfriend and even doper dope dealer. He had, like, this crazy ability to bring everyone together with his fatty whippets but then repel them with his rank-ass body odor just so we could be alone together. So romantic. Now every time I see a balloon I’m reminded of Lawnboy, and then I suck on it and forget who he is, why I’m sad, and how I pissed myself.”

At press time, the same nitrous mafia responsible for offing Carpenter was seen selling commemorative Lawnboy balloons beside his casket at the funeral.

Phew! The New Black Metal Band You Like Are Just Murderers and Not White Supremacists

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Whoops, looks like you jumped headfirst into the discography of newly-discovered black metal band Øde Festning without checking to see if their lyrics are a steady stream of far-right, fascist hate speech. Rookie mistake! Haven’t you learned anything over the course of the last few decades? Everyone knows black metal, beyond any other genre, requires you to comb through every song lyric and interview to make sure the members aren’t Nazis. Don’t you remember how embarrassed you were after you purchased that Burzum ‘Filosofem’ shirt without learning how repugnant Varg Vikernes is? Looks like we’ll do your homework for you since you apparently can’t be trusted with your fandom of this type of music.

As it turns out, we’ve got great news for you! While one of the members of Øde Festning has been jailed on multiple occasions, most notably for a pretty heinous and unprovoked murder, it does not appear to have been racially motivated. Phew!

In 1998, the band’s drummer Tempter stabbed a random bystander to death outside of a night club in Oslo, because according to him, “one cannot truly be black metal if one’s knife has never parted innocent flesh”. Um, ok. We’re just glad that it wasn’t extremist political ideology that led him to take the life of that hapless 31-year-old law clerk. If only all black metal musicians were as morally upstanding as Tempter is!

Furthermore, all of the outspoken messages of ill will and hatred espoused by the band throughout their career appear to be directed at the human race on the whole, and not towards any peoples in particular. Looks like you’re in the clear on this one (at least for now)! As fascism continues to take its toll around the globe, it’s only a matter of time before at least one member of Øde Festning supports an unsavory political candidate or makes a horribly misinformed and prejudiced statement on immigration, so be sure to do your homework on this one. At least when that happens, you can outspokenly eschew all future releases by the band while telling people you liked them when they were just murderers and hadn’t lost their minds yet.

There you have it! Turn up the volume on their latest LP and relish in the tinny, purposely under-produced majesty that is Øde Festning! Also, we see that Nokturnal Mortum album on your shelf back there. Are you sure you want to display that?

US Government Urges Citizens to Choose Mad Max Style Post-Apocalyptic Name Now Before All the Good Ones are Taken

Posted on by Tim Graham

WASHINGTON — A White House press release suggests that citizens come up with “wasteland personas” soon before all the good ones are scooped up, press corps sources report.

“President Trump’s plan to make America great again is in full swing and will usher in an unprecedented era of peace and prosperity,” explained press secretary Karoline Leavitt while rubbing her huge cross pendant. “However, it’s likely there will be a period of pain and discomfort while the systems on which you’ve relied upon your whole lives collapse and are replaced by techno-fiefdoms as hordes of lawless cannibals roam the devastated countryside hunting for human flesh. It would be wise to prepare by picking out an appropriate name for yourself before they’re all taken. You can register your new moniker at wasteland.gov.”

Some Americans, such as Kansas City furniture salesman Gabe Swiniarski, are nervous about the possibility of the US devolving into a nightmarish dystopia.

“I’m not a hardcore MAGA guy, but I did vote for Trump three times,” said Swiniarski as he struggled to fashion body armor from polyester couch cushions. “I just thought he was going to bring grocery prices down, but now there’s all this talk of roving barbarians and blighted hellscapes. That’s not what I voted for, but I guess I’ll have to get used to it. I haven’t decided on a name yet. I was thinking maybe Gabe the Skullcrusher, and my theme could be furniture-related? Like I could make a club out of a table leg, for instance. I’ve already created a cool harness and codpiece from leather couch swatches.”

Doomsday prepper Arnold Rouleau says people who are just beginning the process of getting ready for the apocalypse are already too late.

“I’ve been prepping for decades. If you’re just coming up with ideas now for how you’ll survive the coming cataclysm, you’re cooked,” said Rouleau from his fortified basement bunker. “I’ve got my water filtration system, years worth of canned food, and enough guns to take down an army of bloodthirsty radioactive savages. I chose my handle years ago, too: I’m going to be Dongus Rex the Testiculator. I’ve got a really cool costume covered with spikes and chains, and a massive steel phallus that shoots flames fifty yards. So yeah, I’m ready.”

At press time, the president took to Truth Social to announce a new line of Trump-branded battle gear including gold-plated maces, helmets and barbed-wire wrapped baseball bats.