Oh, Like Your Husband Never Engaged in a Bimbofication Fetish While You Had an Affair on a Taxpayer-Funded Luxury Jet – Guest Post by Kristi Noem

Posted on by Dan Rice

Well, don’t we just love to pile on. Is it lonely up there on your pedestals, everybody? Oh, whoopsie, I forgot, I’m a public figure, and apparently in America that means you’re subject to mockery and ridicule just for being a human being. I swear to God, half of you are out there acting as if you’ve never had extramerital tax-payer funded sexcipades in the sky while your husband engages in a sissification fetish, all while working under a fundamentalist Christian anti-trans regime. It’s a cruel double standard, and frankly, it makes me sick. 

I’ve come to expect this sort of down pegging from men, but I am shocked more women do not have my back. Ladies, for Christ’s sake, you know how it is! You shoot a few dogs, head up a couple Gestapos, mismanage a huge budget due to zero oversight, and all of a sudden, your husband can’t get it up anymore, so you find a way to make that hot! It’s called living a life. 

I gotta tell ya, I’m getting pretty fed up with being called out for “hypocrisy” by my fellow female republicans as if they’ve never facetimed with their cross-dressing husbands, holding a glass of champagne while being balled hard in a bed over a mile in the sky, held up by the tax dollars of people who can’t afford basic healthcare. Maybe try looking in the mirror for a change? 

Oh, you think it’s “ironic” that someone entrenched in a conservative, Christian nationalist, pro-family values government participates in kink? Wake the fuck up! Why do you think the modern GOP is so vocally opposed to homosexuality, trans people, and alternative relationships? Because we hate them? NO! We just want all that stuff to be wrong and dirty because that’s the only way we can cum from it! When you reach a certain eschelon of power, that’s the only way you can get your nut off; that’s just a fact. It’s honestly embarrassing that I need to spell it out for you people like this. 

You think my husband and I are the only ones in this administration who have been around the block?! Go whisper “Good sissy” to JD Vance. He’ll cream his shorts immediately and say, “Thank you, Daddy.” I should know, I helped program him. Don’t get me started on Trump. All the accusations in the Epstein files? That’s just how he gets warmed up. 

Donald Trump, of course, can only climax by bombing Iran under false pretenses. The children he had sex with were all a means to that end. 

Let’s see how some of these “upstanding citizens” are listed in my phone, shall we? Steven Miller: Nazi Trample Pig. Pam Bondi: Fist Queen. Steve Bannon: Owes me $50. That last one doesn’t sound like a kink thing, but it’s a tithe for face sitting. Steven, if you’re reading this, you know the rules: no pay, no play! 

And before you vultures start asking about the sordid details of the incredibly niche sexual dynamic between my husband and me, that is frankly none of your business to begin with, yes, the dog thing was a part of it. 

Here’s What Rising Gas Prices Means For You at the Pump

Posted on by Bobby Korec

We’ve all seen the headlines about rising oil prices, gas stations charging six bucks a gallon, and ExxonMobil price gouging customers to cash in on the public’s scarcity fears after the U.S. attacked Iran, but what do these soaring fuel costs actually mean for you at the pump? Well, the answer is fairly complicated. 

Some energy analysts are saying that higher oil prices will result in less money for other essentials, like gas station snacks and energy drinks. Unfortunately, this means you may need to cut your monthly Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and Monster Energy budget, so you can have enough money to drive back and forth from work to Sunoco. Unfortunately, we all need to make sacrifices so the government can play war. Those sacrifices include Gardetto’s. 

You may even need to quit the gas station male enhancement pills altogether, but that’s more because they are a severe health risk. Do you really want to have a heart attack at age 36 because you just had to go with Chevron’s boner pills instead of the $400 a month ones that your doctor can prescribe? It’s like no one in this country wants to spend their entire paycheck on pharmaceutical drugs anymore. 

Rising oil prices may also mean you’ll have to watch more of those gas station TVs while fueling up, since you can only afford to put 15 bucks in at a time and that’s only just over two gallons. Get ready for more frequent pit stops. But don’t worry, scientists are always saying we need more screen time, especially the scientists hired by Apple and Google. Think of the gas station TV as just a bigger iPhone. Now think of it playing “Game of Thrones.” See? Not so bad. 

Oh, but it’ll only be playing commercials. So, most likely bad.

But don’t worry, there may be relief in sight. Sure, there hasn’t been a single expert who has been able to communicate any semblance of a positive outlook, but there’s got to be something encouraging coming for the everyday American, right? Right?! Maybe cheaper groceries or affordable healthcare? Throw us a bone already. 

We Sat Down With Cybergoth Icon The Predator

Posted on by Steve Packosky

The cybergoth subculture arose in the nineties as a combination of cyberpunk and goth styles, with adherents often seen sporting some combination of a basic, black outfit and long dreadlocks. It hit its stride with the Matrix movies around the turn of the millennium and has since slowly phased out. However, nu-metal’s reemergence may portend a return of this once-revered lifestyle. As such, it seemed like a prudent idea to meet a well-known representative of the cybergoth scene. We never thought we’d get to interview one of its originators, so when we were presented with the opportunity to sit down with The Predator, we of course had to take it. 

The Hard Times: Wow, Mr. Predator, it’s such an honor to meet you! How are you doing today?

The Predator: …

HT: So, we’re obviously huge fans, and we have a million things we want to ask you about, but for this interview, we want to focus primarily on your role in the cybergoth community. When did you realize you wanted to pioneer a new and exciting subculture?

P: …

HT: Oh shit, where did he go?

P: Oh shit, where did he go?

HT: Oh my god, he’s mimicking us! And we can only vaguely see a translucent outline of his body! Luckily, he’s just some obnoxious cybergoth and won’t try to hurt us. He’s probably just wearing a gas mask and dancing.

P: …

HT: Oh no, he just shot Reggie’s arm off with some sort of space blaster thing! Maybe this guy isn’t as harmless as we thought. We’d better get out of here!

P: *breathes heavily*

HT: Oh, Jesus, run! Maybe we should call an elite group of Green Berets to take care of this situation!

It was at that point that we high-tailed it out of the designated interview location, which, in retrospect, should have alerted us that something was awry. After all, why would a cybergoth insist on being interviewed in the Central American jungle? Oh well, we’ll take this as a lesson learned and hope to Christ that the cybergoth trend never comes back, because it very well could result in death for all of us.

Local Man Owns Inappropriate Number of Guitars for Skill Level 

Posted on by Sinead Rose

PHOENIX — Local resident Peter Unger has an impressive collection of more than two dozen guitars, from a 1956 Stratocaster to a brand new PRS Custom 24, despite his beginner skill level, confirmed sources.

“Everyone knows him as the guy who sits there with a five thousand dollar electric guitar, atonally strumming ‘Hot Crossed Buns.’ And then the poor dumbass buys the damn thing,” reported local music store owner Graham Ives. “His purchases account for over 85% of my quarterly earnings. I’m going to be able to retire early. But at what cost? His cacophonous dickering not only clears out my store, it also burrows into my ear like a weevil and becomes the soundtrack to all my nightmares. I’m also haunted by the ghosts of the trees. So many perfectly healthy spruce, mahogany, and rosewood trees have been chopped down in their prime just for some delusional jackass to butcher ‘Wagon Wheel.’”

While Unger earns a moderate income working as a customer service representative at a chemical plant, his insatiable lust for the finest guitars has landed him in dire financial straits. 

“The last straw was when he pawned my engagement ring for a guitar,” said Unger’s ex-wife Monica Bowers. “We were already living in squalor. No food in the cupboards. Our water got shut off twice. But I honestly could have forgiven everything if his playing wasn’t so goddamn unlistenable. Seriously, I could have learned to live without indoor plumbing if he could have learned to play even one song adequately.”

Ethnomusicologist Blaine Davis notes that this behavior, however bizarre, is far from unique. 

“Ever since the lyres and lutes of ancient Mesopotamia, there have been those who hoard quality instruments despite lacking aptitude,” said Davis. “These individuals incorrectly believe that they are talented, and that owning the best tools will lend credibility to this nonexistent talent. Throughout history, many of such individuals have held enough wealth and power that others have been hesitant to point out their insufficiency. In this way, Unger is anomalous. All of his loved ones have informed him in no uncertain terms that his playing makes them regret the embryonic process during which they developed auditory nerves. Still, he persists.” 

At press time, Unger continued his years-long attempt to master the opening riff of “Smoke on the Water.” 

Absolutely Tragic: Chris Jericho Announces Plans To Continue Releasing Music

Posted on by Steve Packosky

ODESSA, Fla. — Popular wrestler turned musician Chris Jericho unfortunately announced plans to continue his music career with his metal band Fozzy, distressed sources report.

“Yeah man, I’ve been with Fozzy since 1999, and that’s what I’m primarily known for,” said Jericho while checking his monthly listener count on Spotify. “We’ve put out eight albums so far, and a lot of people would have called it quits by now, but I really want to continue gracing the world with my singing voice. I feel like I have a lot of awesome song ideas left in me, like one about a dragon. It would be a sin to keep that from the world. The looks of awe that I see from them when I’m rocking out on stage is so much more invigorating than the high that I always got from wrestling, so there’s no way I’m going to stop anytime soon.”

Music fan Reggie Serder reacted to the news.

“Ugh, that sucks, dude,” Serder lamented. “I can’t believe Jericho hasn’t caught on to how shitty his music is. I mean, I guess I liked him as a wrestler, but I still remember how disappointed I was the first time I heard a Fozzy song decades ago. Does this also mean people are going to continue interviewing him about metal music as if he’s some kind of peer in the genre? I still get pissed off when I think about how he badmouthed death metal vocals in ‘Heavy: the Story of Metal’ on VH1 as if anyone fucking cares what his opinion on the matter is. Now we get to continue hearing his shitty dad metal band. Great.”

Music expert Jada Cornell provided her insight on the matter.

“Chris Jericho may be an accomplished professional wrestler, but that definitely doesn’t mean he’s a good musician,” Cornell offered. “There’s a long history of professional athletes and entertainers who think their skills translate to music, with horrific results. Just look at Deion Sanders’ short-lived musical career, or Hilary Duff’s. The world would be a lot better off if people just stayed in their lanes, but unfortunately that’s not the case, and now we’re going to have upcoming music from Chris Jericho as a result.”

At press time, Jericho revealed that he had considered retiring from music, but decided against it because he didn’t want to deprive the world of new material.

Are You a Fan of The Gaslight Anthem or Have You Just Stopped Taking Your Wellbutrin?

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

There are two very different reasons a person might find themselves alone at midnight, noise-cancelling headphones on, staring out their bedroom window at a dwindling pile of dirty snow illuminated by a single golden street lamp while The Gaslight Anthem’s entire discography plays on shuffle. One possibility is that you find the New Jersey nostalgia rock band’s songs about blue jeans, car trouble, and girls who left you but not your mind profoundly poetic. The other, more likely reason, is that you probably forgot to take your Wellbutrin three days in a row, and your brain’s serotonin level has drastically dipped. The problem is, at that moment, these two scenarios are, medically speaking, identical. 

Now, I’m not saying The Gaslight Anthem isn’t good. They are, objectively, probably decent. Brian Fallon can pen lyrics about boardwalks, teenage heartbreak, and songs about songs that feel like they were written in a note you passed in a high school hallway. The guitars shimmer. The drums gallop. Everything feels like a false memory that growing up in the suburbs wasn’t a complete and total nightmare. But that’s exactly the problem.

Depression has this neat trick where it convinces you that you’re having a profound spiritual connection where every line about driving around a small town at night feels like a thesis on your existence, when, in reality, your brain chemistry is just slightly off. You’re not connecting with the music. Your brain is lying to you.

If you catch yourself waxing nostalgic for Jersey beaches even though you have never left the Midwest, that’s one red flag. If you pine for smoking cigarettes on broken plastic patio furniture at a house party, that’s two. Lastly, you may start daydreaming about how life would have turned out if you had the courage to ask out that cool girl who worked at Tower Records. You should probably count how many pills are left in your bottle and see if you missed a dose or two.

Some psychiatrists warn about listening to The Gaslight Anthem during antidepressant withdrawal. The nostalgia saturation can trigger what experts call a “longing whirlpool,” where the patient becomes convinced that their entire identity is tied to false memories of a fictional American past filled with neon signs, drinking on football fields, and a 1997 Toyota Camry.

So, before you tattoo “Where’d you get them scars?” on your forearm, ask yourself the hard question: do you love The Gaslight Anthem, or perhaps do you need to call your GP and see if Seasonal Affective Disorder might be messing with you?

Remember, you are always 150 milligrams away from thinking wood paneling is a metaphor.

‘Beat Bobby Flay’ Unfortunately Just a Cooking Show

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

NEW YORK — Millions of Americans were crushed after realizing that the Food Network’s “Beat Bobby Flay” was just a show about cooking, confirmed sources who immediately turned off the program upon seeing the lack of unadulterated violence. 

“I’m deeply dismayed,” began legendary chef Gordon Ramsay while removing his MMA gear. “In addition to my ultra marathons, I’ve been diligently practicing jeet kune do and Brazilian jiu jitsu to ensure my victory, even though I didn’t even think it would be much of a contest. He’s not the kind of guy that exactly invokes fear. God dammit, I’ve wanted a crack at that ginger-pated knobhead for years. What a shame. I suppose I’ll just have to be content with destroying him at cooking. A vermin-eyed Manhattan tosser that fancies themselves a chili aficionado? Fuck off.”

Flay himself couldn’t believe how many viewers misconstrued the show’s premise.

“Of course, it’s a cooking competition,” scolded Flay. “I’m a chef and I have been my whole life. I feel like most of you have to know this. Did you really think I’d have agreed to spend over a decade making a show where people just kick my ass? Also, I’m not some kind of emotionless automaton. Can you imagine what it feels like to learn that all of my colleagues only showed up to the studio because they thought they were getting a pass to wail on me?”

Upon clarification of the show’s purpose, UFC president and violence retailer Dana White was forced to scrap his cross-promotional plans.

“Oh, I had so many great things in the works,” White bemoaned. “I was drawing up cards for future UFCs to take place at Martha’s Vineyard or the James Beard Foundation. I pre-paid for judo lessons for Alex Guarnaschelli and Rocco Dispirito for the next two years. I had Marcus Samuelsson and Shota Nakajima on an intensive training regimen with Javier Mendez. We were all excited to watch these culinary greats beat the ever-loving shit out of Bobby Flay. While, yeah, the fact that it’s a cooking show makes a lot more sense, this is a giant communication misfire that unfortunately robs the fans of the show that I think we all know they’d much rather be watching.”

As of press time, cooking or no cooking, an undeterred Iron Chef Stephanie Izard was spotted lying in wait to ambush chef Flay outside of his penthouse. 

Disappointed Concertgoer Learns Band Only Performs Live Version of Their Songs

Posted on by Chelsea Carr

BALTIMORE — First-time concertgoer Keith Sulzbach was disappointed to learn that a band he recently saw only performed the live versions of their songs, confirmed sources who couldn’t believe musicians would do that to them. 

“Aren’t they aware their studio recordings sound more polished? Why not play some of that?” said Sulzbach. “Not to mention the band changed the lyrics of one song to reference the local sports team, added an extended jam session, and worst of all, talked between songs instead of flowing seamlessly from one track to the next. The songs weren’t even in the same chronological order that they are on the album. Also, I had to yell so my friend, who was standing directly next to me, could hear what I was saying. At home I can just turn down the volume. Why can’t it be more like that?” 

The band didn’t seem to take the criticism well. 

“You can’t put it all on us, mate,” said frontman Scott Galpin. “A lot of the problem comes from the fans. They’re constantly singing along, moving about, or worse, shouting things to each other. We used to ask everyone to sit quietly, but after being ignored for so long, we’ve given up. What you get onstage is virtually indistinguishable from what you get after countless hours of do-overs, edits, and replacing our drummer with a bloke we found in the hallway when our drummer failed to show up to the studio for the third day in a row.” 

Music producers expressed befuddlement on the phenomenon. 

“We don’t know why bands insist on performing the live version of their music when they put in so many hours in the studio,” stated Mike Larsko, CEO of A-Hole Records. “Get us in there, put a soundproof wall in front of the audience, and maybe work a little autotune magic. Ideally, the fans should experience as little of what the band actually sounds and looks like as possible. That is how live music is meant to be experienced.”

As of press time, Sulzbach was found listening to the band’s studio album on his earbuds while watching the band perform live.  

Wildly Popular Travel Agency Makes Plans and Then Cancels Them

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

MINNEAPOLIS — A travel agency that makes plans for customers and then cancels them is surging in popularity, sources confirmed.

“Our new business model carries a 99.91% customer satisfaction rate. The relief of no longer needing to go anywhere far outweighs the experience of being groped at the airport, getting airlocked inside a magic fart tube in the sky, losing critical medication in stolen luggage, sleeping on benches outside overbooked hotels, coming up with things to talk about with estranged family members, and incurring crippling debt for the privilege,” said Jason Efoff, founder of Efoff Travel Agency. “We make all our money on cancellation fees, which are an industry-low $15. We’re on track to make $1.9 billion this year. Sure, customers can do all of this for even less by self-cancelling online. However, people need someone to blame so they can pretend to be disappointed in social media posts visible to family members. That’s where we come in.”

One such customer appreciated this new surprise-and-delight approach.

“Last month, I got a wild hair to go to Hawaii. I booked with this travel agency everyone has been raving about. Then I started thinking about everything I had to do to get ready for the trip. Can I afford the time away from work? Who will watch the dogs? What am I going to wear? I panicked,” said Poppy Johnson, a part-time horse butler. “That’s when the travel agency texted me that the entire trip was canceled. I was giddy with relief. Now I’ve got a whole week freed up to try promo codes on gambling apps.”

Experts remained skeptical.

“This absence of misery is unsustainable. The travel industry isn’t designed for happy people who need convincing to leave the house. Will disgusting gas station bathrooms need to be cleaned now? Will continental breakfasts stop cutting scrambled eggs with fiberglass insulation? Will family members stop being dicks? The travel industry needs sad customers trying to salvage an acceptable experience to justify the enormous expense, not happy ones content with what they already have,” said Orel Dunlop, an analyst with the American Automobile Association (AAA). “And let’s not forget the thousands of idle TSA agents who must now find sexual gratification in other career paths, such as running over dogs with ICE.”

As of press time, a technical glitch caused thousands of travel plans to go ahead without cancellation, prompting outrage from customers.

Why My Collection of Old Slayer Shirts Is Better Than a Roth IRA

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Who needs conventional retirement planning? As the saying goes, if you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life, and that’s truly how I feel stealing copper wire from construction sites and selling it at various scrap yards in my town. And anyway, if that security guard ever follows through on his threat to beat the shit out of me, rendering me incapable of practicing my craft, I’ll have my collection of old Slayer shirts to provide me with a nice little nest egg. Who needs a Roth IRA?

Have you seen how volatile the market’s been in recent years? I hear about people losing all their equity in the stock market all the time. You know what isn’t subject to the unpredictable highs and lows of our capitalist hellscape? My vintage “South of Heaven” tour shirt that I stole from my buddy Craig’s house after he refused to chip in on the three grams of crystal we bought off that guy in the Long John Silver’s parking lot. That bad boy’s sure to fetch me a couple hundred dollars on eBay, which will easily keep me afloat for a couple months. And that’s just one of many.

Just look at this “Diabolus in Musica” shirt! Sure, it’s got what appears to be a mustard stain on the bottom left, and it’s without a doubt Slayer’s worst album, but that priest looks fucking awesome! Who wouldn’t shell out a sizable amount of dough for a chance to strut through the streets with this adorning their torso? 

You know what? The more I go through this collection, the more I’m convinced I have everything I need to live comfortably for the rest of my life. Hell, I may even buy a boat or a house in the Hamptons with what I have left over. There’s nothing wrong with treating myself. I can easily fetch hundreds of dollars by saying this shirt with the “Show No Mercy” goat demon is an authentic from the early eighties. No need to mention that I bought it from Hot Topic in 2008. What the customer doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

I’m also aware that you should keep six months of pay stashed aside for emergencies, but I also just unearthed a box of Pantera merch from the early 2000s in the back of my closet. So yeah, you may be stressing out about your finances, but it looks like I’ve got nothing to worry about.