Kid Rock Sees His Shadow on Memorial Day Signaling Six More Weeks of War 

Posted on by Jesse Kubanet

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. — Musician and frequent Black Hawk helicopter ride recipient Kid Rock saw his shadow today, signaling six more weeks of international war, conflict, and skirmishes, confirmed sources on their ninth Bud Light Lime of the morning. 

“Some of our biggest wartime decisions are based on the status of Kid Rock’s shadow. Hell, we decided to capture Venezuela president Nicolas Maduro because KR saw his silhouette that day,” said Secretary of War Pete Hegseth while wearing a Make America War Again hat. “When he came out this morning, after the bender we went on last night, I mean the treaty meetings and peace talks last night, I knew his vibe would let me know what our next plan of attack is in Iran. If six more weeks of war is the move then that’s the move! I don’t make the rules. Looks like we’re cookin’ them the way I’m going to cook some burgs and dogs on the grill today. Can you grab me a beer?”

Rock, later seen with a fresh tall boy, grilling shirtless on a Big Green Egg, stated it felt right to keep the war going for six more weeks. 

“Look, I saw my shadow man, we keep fightin’ in Iran. Hey, that kinda rhymes. I’m sensing a new song of the summer with that lyric,” said Rock after a drag off of his cigar. “Last year I didn’t see my shadow at all on Memorial Day, which meant six more years of implementing Project 2025. However, I did see my shadow on Independece Day last year, which meant another billion dollars to ICE. Yup, me and my shadow have been quite busy during this administration.”

Energy Secretary Chris Wright, also in attendance for Rock’s Memorial Day weekend festivities, failed to see the connection between six more weeks of war and the impact it has on the American consumer. 

“Gas prices? Yeah, a lot of that has to do with whether Kid Rock and the sun are out at the same time. Nothing we can do about that,” said Wright. “Anyway, we’re trying to have a good time and…what do we do on this holiday? Is it something with the troops? I don’t know, just chill out man. Money isn’t real, gas isn’t real, but Kid Rock’s shadow is extremely real.” 

At press time, Secretary of Health Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was seen grilling a groundhog’s esophageal cavity to “protein up” for the extended conflict.

Rebel Without a Cause Clearly Not Looking Very Hard

Posted on by Stephen Bell

WESTERVILLE, Ohio — Rebellious and jaded teenager Cory Hall reportedly can’t find a single cause to support despite the plethora of things to rebel against, stated several people familiar with Cory. 

“I’m so ready to take down whatever it is that needs to be taken down,” said Hall, who was planning to throw a brick at no building in particular. “I mean I’d choose to go and vandalize something, but I just don’t know of any worthwhile targets. I live in America, the land of the free, everything is just too perfect to rebel as far as I’m aware. Plus I’m really busy with sleeping and catching up on my tv shows. I’d be so happy to rebel if only someone could tell me what to rebel against.” 

The teenager’s mother Linda Hall was befuddled about what to do with her son. 

“I did tell him what to rebel against! I’m a public defender and I’ve tried talking to Cory about how messed up the criminal justice system is,” said the mother of two while working through a giant stack of client sheets. “I’ve told him about how these people are victims of a violent system of capitalist exploitation and the prison industrial complex but it’s like he’s not even listening. He’ll just roll his eyes and then accuse me of being a part of something. This makes no sense though because who isn’t a part of something? Not this kid apparently.”

Queer, trans, Palestinian, feminist, cancer survivor, and friend Fatima Tabbaa had a more sympathetic tone for him. 

“I guess Cory has been going through a lot recently,” said Fatima, sorting through a pile of death threat letters she has received. “I have told Cory about a couple of rallies against ICE he could have attended or that we could’ve used help at the trans day of visibility event, but he told me he was too busy. Plus he couldn’t get this girl to like him so he was feeling pretty bummed, and that’s kind of like my situation where Israel blew up my house. I’m sure he’ll find something to rebel against though someday.”

At press time, it was confirmed that Cory Hall finally found a home with a group of libertarians and their fight against the capital gains tax.

5 Other Orifices You Can Get the Godsmack Sun Tattooed Around!

Posted on by Kyle Donley

Most people know the hard rock band Godsmack from action movie trailers and their mom’s boyfriend’s CD collection, but did you know those New England metalheads are also branding geniuses? 

With their innovation of the Godsmack Sun Tattoo in late 1999, the band offered a different spin on a tribal tattoo, one that said ‘I like Godsmack, here is my bellybutton’. As it turns out, this was a very popular sentiment, especially for white males who never attended college. However, contrary to popular belief, the Godsmack Sun is not only for belly buttons — its versatility and sleek design pair well with just about any fleshy hole! Don’t believe us? Check out this list of 5 alternate holes that will really make your Godsmack Sun tattoo pop this summer!

Mouth Hole — Since 95% of Godsmack fans already have goatees, the mechanics surrounding a successful Godsmack Sun mouth hole tattoo can admittedly get pretty tricky. You’ll want to be sure not to “cross streams” between your goat straps and the spindly, root-like rays of the Godsmack sun to avoid clashing. Ideally, the rays will appear to be emanating from the outer circumference of the goatee, with your mouth framed in the center of the sun, free to throw back some Sam Adams or talk about Godsmack at great length. And for the minority of Godsmack fans who don’t already have goatees, the Godsmack Sun serves as a perfect and permanent facial merkin to mask your otherwise bald face! 

Butt Hole — This is the rare orifice where a Godsmack tattoo can signify either extreme loyalty to the band or pure, unmitigated hatred. Talk about versatility! Getting something tattooed around your butthole takes courage and dedication, traits both hardcore fans and steadfast enemies possess in spades. And while it may be a borderline masochistic way to say that Godsmack’s music sounds like shit, you gotta admit it would be pretty legendary. Also, probably a cool ice breaker for colonoscopies.

Dick Hole/Vagina Hole — Godsmack are sensual by nature, in no small part thanks to sinewy frontman and Godsmack Sun Tattoo originator Sully Erna. These Godsmack Sun Tattoos would need to be pretty small and would likely be painful to endure, but once achieved, could make for a pretty impressive romantic experience. This could also make for an excellent his ‘n hers tattoo. Imagine, the Godsmack Suns interlocked in coitus, an eternal unity signaling the birth of the second coming, a prince of princes. Pretty sick, right!?

Penis Hole — Ah shit, we kinda already did this one. Well, let’s just say that for #4 we mean the urethra specifically. 

Make Your Own! — It’s true! You don’t have to let your biological hole placement dictate where you can or can’t get a Godsmack Sun Tattoo. This ain’t your dad’s Godsmack Sun Tattoo, capice? With the use of a simple household drill or scalpel, you can gouge pretty much any hole into existence through a method known as trepanation. New hole, who dis?     

Efficient Friends Cancel Plans While Making Them

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

NEW YORK — A local group of friends who are extremely efficient decided to go ahead and cancel plans while making them, sources confirmed.

“Well, we realized that if one of us canceled, the cancelee felt great but the canceler was left feeling guilty,” said Erica Fiorelli, one of the efficient friends. “So we figured if we just canceled right away and at the same time, that would remove the icky feelings part and just leave the good parts of friendship, which means just shit-talking people who aren’t in the group chat. The truth is, we really love each other but don’t always love spending time together. Friendship is exhausting. I’m really looking forward to planning and canceling our lunch date next month as well as our friends trip to Italy.”

Amazed onlookers to the event shared the gravity of what they had witnessed.

“This is going to save everyone so much time, not to mention so many friendships,” shared Stephanie Jones, chronic late canceler. “We don’t have to waste several days of confirmation texts leading up to an event only to text that we’re ‘not feeling well’ on the day. We can just take care of it right at the start. I have truly never felt so seen by and inspired by something I just witnessed on the street. Normally it’s just rats trying to eat my footwear or men taking a shit on the sidewalk. This is a beautiful thing.”

Nicole Tran, a leading psychologist in the field of Flaky Friendships, shared her expert opinion on the event.

“People are seeking authenticity more than ever in their relationships. And in this case, people really want to be their authentic selves at home alone bingeing TV and not putting on makeup or having to find parking. I mean, who has the energy to go out in this world and in this economy?” said Tran. “It’s really just a natural progression of late stage capitalism if you ask me. I’m not an economist or anything, but I am a mental health professional who will be canceling all my plans for the next few weeks. And after that, I’m going to start canceling them while I make them, like these two brave ladies. This is a healthy step for humankind.”

Inspired by what’s sure to be a popular social movement, dating apps have started beta testing an option for men to reveal if they’re murderers before the date is even scheduled.

Quiznos Mascots From 2004 Still Looking for Forever Home

Posted on by Matthew Micheletti

APPLETON, Wis. — Quiznos mascots the Spongmonkeys have reportedly been looking for their forever home since the mid-2000s, confirmed sources who prefer to call them lemurs from Hell.

“All we’ve wanted all these years is a nice warm forever home to reopen our portal back to Hell after our contract ended,” said one of the Spongmonkeys. “You know who doesn’t have to sleep in garbage juice for years behind a Panda Express? The fuckin’ California Raisins! They get a nice place to live forever because they play the saxophone and wear sunglasses. What a load of crap! We will work for literally anyone. Jimmy Johns, a Buc-ee’s, it doesn’t matter as long as we get a permanent place to crash and mildly freak out customers.”

Bettie Salmonich, a volunteer at a local unemployed mascot center, explained the forever home crisis facing these symbols of capitalism. 

“You know, many Americans don’t consider what happens to these corporate mascots once they stop appearing in ads. Many are left struggling to find a nice forever home to take them in once they retire or get phased out,” said Salmonich. “A classic example is The Noid. He had it all: The pizza fame, the pizza money, the pizza women in little red rabbit suits. Eventually, he too was cast out on the streets and forgotten when he was caught fornicating with batches of pizza dough at multiple Domino’s locations. Unfortunately, that’s the way the pizza slices.”

Mascot legend Joe Camel knew all too well about forgotten colleagues. 

“You know what really happens to some of these mascots who don’t find a forever home, right? CEOs order them to be hunted down. No care, no love, just a bullet between the eyes, man. It’s hella sad, bro,” explained Mr. Camel while smoking a Marlboro. “We never really think about the Travelocity Gnome or the Burger King himself anymore. It’s getting so sad that even Microsoft’s Clippy stuck himself into a power outlet after 10 years on the streets. All they really wanted was a warm place to crash and the love of a caring corporate advertising family.”

At press time, the Spongmonkeys were heard to have a lead on a new forever home with 7-Up’s Cool Spot, but they were tragically run over outside in an Arby’s parking lot.

The Next Jordan Peterson? This Transphobic Twit Makes His Bed Before Getting Numb on Benzos

Posted on by Ryan Darrah

Few public figures have established their credentials as transphobic assholes more convincingly than Canadian professor and YouTuber Jordan Peterson. 

Even before Peterson started deadnaming trans celebrities and throwing tantrums about being asked to refer to his students by their preferred pronouns, I couldn’t see him as anything more than a smug mediocrity with a punchable face. But for a time, he was a media darling, and he still attracts a cult following in Incel-adjacent circles of the Manosphere.

And now, in a horrifyingly cruel twist of fate, I share my apartment with just the sort of pill-popping transphobic twit who may be the next Jordan Peterson!

When budget constraints forced me to solicit a new roommate on Craigslist, I knew there was a chance I’d end up cohabitating with someone of questionable moral fibre. I never imagined, however, that I’d get stuck living with a benzo-addled cis-supremacist who has declared a dietary jihad on fiber.

Admittedly, the red flags were there from the start, but I guess I was too cash-strapped to notice: when Troy came by to check out my apartment’s spare bedroom and assured me he’s a bit of a ‘neat freak’ who makes his bed every morning, I thought he was just trying to make a good first impression. Sadly, I didn’t pick up on his not-so-cryptic signalling that he’s the kind of asswipe who swears by Jordan Peterson’s ‘12 Rules For Life.’ 

Next thing I know, he was moving his meat fridge into my spare bedroom. Even then, I just naively assumed he had an iron deficiency. I figured that would explain why he needed a short lie down after every item he moved into the room. 

Only after his check for his first month’s rent cleared did I find out that he wasn’t knackered because of a shortage of iron in his diet, but because he also emulates his intellectual hero by popping Xannies until he’s more anaesthetised than an elephant getting a root canal. 

If he just stayed in his room when he numbs himself on benzos, maybe we could make things work. But his religious adherence to Peterson’s carnivore diet — eating chuck-eye steaks for breakfast, lunch and dinner — means the whole apartment constantly reeks of cheap cuts of beef. And when I confront him about it, I get called an enemy of Western Civilisation!

Cutting my rent in half just isn’t worth having him hog our only couch while he gets teary-eyed during a diatribe defending some new anti-trans post by JK Rowling. And if he’s gonna keep berating me for having the eating habits of a cultural Marxist and throwing away my bread and vegetables when I’m at work, I’m gonna have to kick his Jordan Peterson-wannabe ass out.

Dying Fetus Album Features World’s First ‘Prenatal Advisory’ Warning

Posted on by John Danek

GREATER UPPER MARLBORO, Md. — All future pressings of American death metal institution Dying Fetus’s 2023 album “Make Them Beg for Death” will feature a “Prenatal Advisory: Explicit Content” warning, the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) announced.

“We have been warning parents for decades about objectionable content on albums, but we are finally providing necessary guidance to music-loving fetuses, embryos, and zygotes,” declared RIAA chairman Mitch Glazier, who is rumored to have been pressured into this change by the Trump administration. “The number of Evangelical Christians buying Dying Fetus albums under the impression they contain pro-life messages of worship is bigger than you think. As much as I love to throw down in the pit to some brutal tech-death, I don’t think it’s quite suitable for our in utero music fans.”

Dying Fetus’s founding guitarist and vocalist John Gallagher expressed indifference towards the unusual warning.

“I don’t give a fuck. If anything, those warnings make our albums look cooler and signify to fans that this is the real shit,” said Gallagher, who has threatened to punch or dox any interviewer who asks him about the politics surrounding abortion. “I’m just disappointed that we live in a world where people are so dumb that one could see an album named ‘Make Them Beg for Death’ by a band named ‘Dying Fetus’ showing someone getting their throat slit and wonder what the content inside may be like. It ain’t exactly the Bluey soundtrack. How much more hand-holding do you need?”

Obstetrics researchers have confirmed that any music consumed by a fetus during pregnancy can have powerful effects on the person’s subsequent life.

“We’ve known for decades that playing classical music for a child in the womb can lead to anxiety and unrealistic expectations on math scores in their childhood and teen years,” stated Dr. Laurie Englund, lead researcher at Johns Hopkins Medicine. “But the effects of death metal, grindcore, powerviolence, and related genres are woefully understudied. In an informal study, I played heaps of pageninetynine for my son Gary while he was in the womb, and other than having obsessive-compulsive disorder around the naming of documents, he turned out fine.”

The RIAA has also recently announced that any new albums by controversial ambient musicians will contain a warning of “Parental Advisory: Implicit Content.”

Opinion: This Global Energy Crisis Means People Need Improv More Than Ever Right Now

Posted on by Malia Simon

With a worldwide energy shortage close on the horizon and people expressing more and more fear about total economic collapse, it’s important to remember that there’s never been a time when the human race more desperately needed joy. And by joy, I mean live improv comedy. 

We’ve long known that art has the power to change the world. Remember when a group of street artists took to the Berlin Wall in the 80s to paint murals that conveyed the dangers of political division? This is like that, except it’s six of us assembling into a big line across the stage and pretending to be some sort of locomotive with a zany personality. 

This whole oil bottleneck stuff is scary. I’ll say it. But our troupe, GOOD GRIEF, has the power to remind people that there is more to life than energy, resources, democracy, electricity, and global infrastructure. There is also the chance to watch six aging art school grads miming an unhappy school bus. Like, we took an inanimate object like a school bus, but had the idea to personify it and make it totally off its rocker. Think Kramer from Seinfeld, but with big rolling wheels. The original idea and the staging for it might’ve been mine, but that doesn’t mean I don’t value my troupe and each of their contributions, no matter how small. 

What folks are craving right now is not a “stable job market” or a “guarantee that they will own a home in 3 years.” They are craving a performance from people who have put blood, sweat, tears, a year of practice, sometimes even 2, plus $650 of their child’s college fund into the Upright Citizens Brigade. Some of us have put up to $800, and these things definitely show up when you take to the stage, not that it matters or anything. 
The point is, as artists, we have a responsibility to our communities to continue our crafts, whether people are asking us for it, if they’ve forgotten how to ask for it, or if they are literally on their hands and knees begging us to stop. It’s our unspoken contract with the world. We bring you an hour of joy and imagination, and you bring us $15.50 and your cousin’s friend who’s in town, whom I’ll casually sidle up to at the bar and ask who they think stole the show, if they’re being honest, until they scoot away to the bathroom. How’s that for a crisis of energy?

Landlord Adds $500 Pet Deposit for Rats Living in Attic

Posted on by Bill Conway

BOSTON — Local landlord James O’Toole informed his tenants that he will be instituting a $500 pet deposit for every rodent living in the attic of his rental property, frustrated sources confirmed.

“No more Mr. Nice Guy. I’m always being taken advantage of. If I don’t start charging them for all the rats in the attic then soon they are going to ask me to fix their hot water, or help identify the smell in the kitchen that’s ‘making everyone sick,'” said O’Toole from his vacation home on Martha’s Vineyard. “My tenants don’t understand the stress I’m under all the time. One of the country clubs I attend is upping their rates next year and I might not be able to afford the Diamond Platinum Member Package if I don’t start making some more money. That level grants me after hours access to the clubhouse, and that’s when all the fun happens.”

Ryan Livingston, the tenant required to pay the new pet deposit, believes this is an unfair policy.

“The only reason Peter even knows about the rats is because I complained about all the noise they make running around and scratching at the ceiling. They have been a menace for months. They come out of the attic at night and eat everything in the cabinets. I’ve spent nearly $200 on trail mix this month alone,” said Livingston while sweeping up rat droppings. “The thought of having rats as pets is gross. They are dirty disgusting creatures and I’m afraid to let my salamanders free roam because one of those rodents might attack them.”

Tenants rights lawyer Gabrielle Pinto says landlords are always trying to find ways to extract more from the people living on their property.

“I had one property owner in Braintree who tried claiming a broken toilet that didn’t have any water in the tank was actually a low flow model to comply with a new building code. And another who tried claiming that a burst pipe in a kitchen ceiling that was leaking all over the room was a new ‘eco-friendly dishwasher,’” said Pinto. “I’m not sure if greedy people become landlords, or being a landlord makes you greedy. Either way, I’d love to see every landlord loaded onto a bus and driven straight into the ocean.”

At press time, O’Toole announced he would be raising the rent after finding out the mold in the walls is only toxic to children under five. 

Study Finds America’s New Retirement Age Is Death 

Posted on by Jesse Kubanet

NEW YORK — A recent study that analyzed the latest Census data revealed that America’s new retirement age is death, confirmed sources who kind of already knew that. 

“It’s best for Americans in this current job market to prioritize their job over life, family, friends, a vacation of any kind, and of course the very idea that one may be comfortable enough to one day not work,” said Matthew Terry, a project manager with Economics Enterprise, who helped conduct the study. “We surveyed 100 middle-aged people and found that their current retirement savings are roughly -$50,000, if you account for consumer, medical, and student loan debt. So you have no choice but to work until your soul leaves your body and your body stays in an upright position with your fingers hovering over a keyboard. You know that thing in movies where someone discreetly closes a dead person’s eyelids? It is very likely an overworked and under-paid paramedic does that to you while your eyes remain transfixed on an Excel spreadsheet.” 

Readers of the study felt a surprising sense of relief. 

“Hearing this is actually really comforting,” said Jules Arnold, a middle school vice principal who also bartends four nights a week and drives for Uber on the weekends to make ends meet. “I don’t have to bother saving up for retirement anymore or figuring out what a 401(k) is. I was pretty sure I was going to keep slaving away at life until my last breath leaves my body, and this confirms it. It’s a weight lifted.”

Chief Economist at Fitches Ratings Brian Coulton weighed in on the current economic state of Americans mulling retirement.

“It’s best to shove those thoughts deep, deep down and never really put them in the front of your mind,” Coulton began. “Even in your wildest dreams, really. It just does not make economic sense. Between tariffs and a new forever war with Iran, the notion of retiring at all right now is laughable. You have to hustle as an 85-year-old to make it in this economy. Your only hope is that you’ll get one of those life-threatening illnesses and die at a young age.” 

At press time, most Americans can be found weighing their options between donating plasma or semen in order to afford one bag of green grapes. 

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