New Study Finds Gen Alpha Lacks Skills To Tie Belongings Up in Bandana Hanging From Stick Before Running Away From Home

Posted on by Matthew Quinn Martin

ST. PAUL, Minn. — The Springvale Research Institute released an exhaustive peer-reviewed study revealing that those born between 2010 and 2024 have failed to acquire many necessary skills needed to tie up their most prized possessions in a bandana dangling from a stick and run away from home, sources report. 

“While we still don’t have a definitive reason behind the phenomena, the data clearly shows a precipitous decline in bindlestiff acumen among this generational cohort,” said project leader Dr. Victor Strickland. “It’s not simply a matter of crafting a functional bundle. The choice of contents is also perplexing. Of course, history shows the most popular items are subject to change. Boomers favored harmonicas and pet rocks. Gen X, Rubik’s Cubes and their latch keys. Millennials, Pogs, Tomagotchi, and so on. But even the brightest of our Gen Alpha subjects only managed to bring along a bag of Takis and a mostly empty tub of Drunk Elephant. Many don’t even know what a bandana is. Our education system has failed us.”

Quoted in the study was seventh-grader Khaleesi-Michelle Szpak.

“How could I possibly run away from anything?” said Szpak. “My family’s got me on a lo-jack and puts out an amber alert the second I go off-grid. There are flock cameras on every street corner and the NSA has jacked into all the ring cams. The only place I could even hide is at school when they take your phone. God, I got so bored the other day that I snuck into the basement and read a book I found down there! Like an actual antique book from like 1998 about kids that turn into alien ducks or something. I think it was called ‘Morph the Cat.’”

Middle school vice principal Doug Sutter was all too aware of the alarming trend.

“Look, I’m 47. I’m either the one of the first Millennials or the last of Gen X. I know a little bit about generational change,” said Sutter. “Between COVID and Minecraft, these kids have had it rough. I’m willing to cut them a little slack. It’s the next generation I’m really worried about. Who’s going to be there to pass down all these cherished childhood experiences? And it’s not just the bandana thing. I’m talking riding BMX bikes until the lights come on. Playing D&D in tree forts. Drinking from the garden hose. Throwing flea-market ninja stars into the drywall. Finding a stack of dirty magazines in the woods next to an old mattress. And getting into BB gun fights.”

At press time, the new study also found that the number of lemonade stands nationwide is increasing among children, likely due to kids having to help pay for their siblings’ cancer treatment.

Opinion: Cutting Bangs is Not “Letting the Intrusive Thoughts Win” Unless You Do It With a Samurai Sword You Grabbed Off a Museum Wall Before Getting Tackled By Security

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

Okay, folks. Gather round, because you’ve all been pissing me off, and it’s time we nipped this issue in the bud. I know every movie you’ve ever seen has depicted OCD as people washing their hands like they’re scrubbing in for a shift at Grey’s Anatomy Regional Hospital, and your only takeaway from your brief stint in therapy is that buzzwords are fun. But you have simply got to stop using “intrusive thoughts” until you know what the fuck it means. Don’t worry, I’m here to help you.

Everyone thinks intrusive thoughts are cute until they learn that instead of texting your ex and cutting your hair, it’s really more of ‘What if I fucked my dog’ or ‘Should I stab my husband while chopping vegetables?’ I’ll take you through a brief but illuminating rundown so you can avoid looking like you have an ass for a hat. 

Intrusive thoughts are distressing images that are often taboo in nature and counter to the morals and value system of the individual having them. Didn’t think you’d actually learn something, did you?

Cutting bangs could really never be an actual intrusive thought, but since I’m being generous, I’ve come up with this scenario for you. If you’re a rule follower who hates getting in trouble and you were walking through a museum with a new friend, you might have an intrusive thought that manifests as you imagining yourself taking a Samurai sword off the wall and slicing your hair into bangs before getting tazed and tackled by the museum version of Paul Blart as he called for backup from actual cops. 

It could also be a katana, an ax, or a broadsword, depending on what kind of museum is closest to you. If you let this intrusive thought win, you would end up with bangs, but you’d also be in jail, and your friend would have lost a hand trying to stop you.

Now that you know better, you can go back to referring to cutting bangs the proper way: a misguided idea. You don’t have the right bone structure. Do some long curtain bangs, if you simply must. 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a cop at this coffee shop, and his gun has my hand’s name on it. 

Report: Art Garfunkel Still Getting Ass From 1966’s ‘Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme’

Posted on by Jeff Bender

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Octagenarian Art Garfunkel is not only alive and well but “still reeling in the ass, possibly now more than ever” thanks to “Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme,” the album he recorded with Paul Simon almost 60 years ago, aroused sources reported.

“Every time I go out now, I know I’m just priming the pump, and by ‘pump,’ holy smokes, I guess I mean ass!—the ass I’m getting after the show!” said the 84-year-old Manhattan resident. “Sometimes I have two groupies before the show, one right before the encore—‘Bridge Over Troubled Water’—and two after the show. And this is before I go back to the hotel and play ‘ass roulette’ with all the room keys I’ve collected. I just stick my hands in my pockets and sing, ‘Sittin’ in the railway station / got a ticket for my destination / mm mm mm.’ By the third ‘mm,’ I know who’s DTF.”

Even fans who’d assumed Garfunkel was dead admitted to his seductive power and the weakness they felt upon entering the concert hall.

“I thought I was going to hear an old geezer sing songs that don’t matter anymore,” said 61-year-old Donna Feinbaum of Beebe, Arkansas. “But you get there and see all the people lined up just for this one man, and he starts singing and you realize he has a need that must be met. And suddenly, you’re lucky to get a shot with him. ‘Tell her to make me a cambric shirt / Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme.’ That makes me really horny. And I don’t even know what it means.”

Simon expressed amazement but not surprise at his old partner’s antics.

“Art’s very sexual—and extremely kinky. When we were in our 20s, he got rejected a lot, but, let’s just say he’s figured it out,” said Simon from his ranch in Texas, where he lives with Edie Brickell. “Who knows how? He doesn’t write the songs. He doesn’t play an instrument. He just stands there and sings and collects ass like grapes in a colander. I’ll text him about rehearsing and he’ll get back to me a week later. ‘Sorry, dude. Hands full. Eggplant emoji. Tongue emoji. Hang loose emoji.’ Nobody wants a reunion tour more than I, but I guess we have different priorities.”

Meanwhile in London, the other guy from Wham! is still leveraging “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” to sneak into select orgies.

Trump Promises To End Iran War on Day One of Third Term

Posted on by Cam Berkowitz

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump decisively announced that he will be ending the conflict in Iran on the first day of his third term in office, after months of frequently changing timelines, confirmed sources.

“The losers in the fake news media keep asking me ‘Trump! Trump! When are you going to end this horrible war in Iran that was started by Joe Biden?’ Who, by the way, was a disaster of a president, the worst president this country has ever seen. Well the Dummycrats maybe don’t like to hear it, but I will end this war on day one when I’m president for a third term,” President Trump said. “Yes, Sleepy Joe Biden couldn’t end this war in four years, but I will end it between breakfast, which will be McDonald’s, and lunch—also McDonald’s—on my first day, after I am elected for my next term. ‘Elected,’ that’s a funny word. Kind of an old fashioned word, I feel like nobody uses ‘elected’ anymore.” 

President Trump’s supporters overwhelmingly remain devoted to him after learning that the global conflict—which has killed thousands and sent gas prices soaring—will continue until January 20, 2029.

“I thank the Lord every day that we have a president like Mr. Trump in the White House for decades to come,” said Marshall Horrigan, a self-described “Turbo MAGA” who voted for Trump four times, including once in the 2000s when he wasn’t even running for office. “When he says he’s gonna end the Kamala Harris Iran War on day one of his third term, he’s gonna end the Kamala Harris Iran War on day one of his third term! Those terrorists better think twice if they think they’re gonna get to keep those nukes that Kamala gifted to them.”

At today’s White House press briefing, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt was asked to elaborate on the announcement.

“The president has been very busy doing what he does best, making deals, and he has assured us that he is right on track to close a very big deal to end the horrible conflict in Iran well ahead of schedule,” said Leavitt. “In fact, the president plans to end the Barack Obama Iran War in no more than 24 hours after he is inaugurated into his third term as President of the United States. No president has ever been able to accomplish this much winning in just a single day of their third term.”

At press time, President Trump had just teed off at Trump International Golf Club’s 15th hole, before stating that he planned on ending Social Security benefits on day one of his fourth term.

Mountain Goats Release Album About Mountain Goats Albums

Posted on by Dan Rice

HURLEY, N.Y. — In the latest of a long string of niche concept albums exploring various cultural microcosms, The Mountain Goats have released a new album inspired by the albums of the renowned indie rock band The Mountain Goats. 

“I was reading at this cool coffee shop, and they were playing all these Mountain Goats records, and I just thought, ‘Hey, these are fun, I should write an album about these!’” recalled Mountain Goats founder and singer John Darnielle. “Some might view it as narcissistic or self-indulgent, but honestly, I’ve written so many damn songs at this point that half of them feel like someone else wrote them anyway, so I felt like I could write about the source material with full objectivity.” 

The album, simply titled “Mountain Goats” and featuring songs like “God Damn God Damn These Vampires,” “The Best Ever Song About The Best Ever Death Metal Band in Denton,” and “John Darnielle Screams ‘I Hope You Die,’” is already being hailed by fans as some of the band’s best work in years.  

“I just love Darnielle’s ability to mine lyrical gold out of all these cool little subcultures,” commented longtime Mountain Goats fan Cindy Portello. “If you asked me to write a song about an album about wrestlers, I wouldn’t know what to do, but the one he wrote on this album reads like a goddamn novel! And it’s catchy!” 

The album has also drawn glowing praise from a number of prominent music critics. 

“With this album, The Mountain Goats have managed to capture the entire scope of the albums of The Mountain Goats,” wrote music critic Harold Luvtree. “From the bombastic ‘John Darnielle is Writing About Charlie Sheen Today’ to the somber and meditative ‘Wurster Plays the Drums,’ the full spectrum of the listening to The Mountain Goats experience is present, joyous,  and alive on this record.”

A limited edition promotional bumper sticker reading “I Only Listen to The Mountain Goats The Mountain Goats” can currently be found on the band’s merch store. 

Here’s Why Rewatching the Sopranos 4 Times Counts as Having Gone to Therapy

Posted on by Dan Rice

Never before in this country’s history has the importance of mental health been so culturally emphasized. Unfortunately, to some, “mental health” has the extremely narrow and ignorant definition of going to therapy. I can’t match with anyone on Hinge because they all want someone who’s been “therapized,” someone who has “done the work.” Well, I have done the work. If you do the math, I’ve actually done 316 hours of “The work.” I have binge-watched The Sopranos, start to finish, four times now, and there is nothing a so-called professional can say that David Chase’s prestige TV epic has not already taught me. 

Let me just get ahead of your criticism right off the bat, no, I do not mean just because of the Dr. Melfi scenes. I will, however, make the case that each one of those scenes does count as one full hour of therapy because it’s just showing you the part of the therapy where all the revelatory stuff happens, but that’s just one way in which The Sopranos is more efficient than traditional psychiatry! 

Through the Journey of Tony, his family, and his cadre of colorful Italian cutups, we gleam the full scope of the human experience. Our deepest fears — everything from Freudian parental complexities to death to sitting on your girlfriend’s dog because you did too much heroine — are acknowledged, confronted, and overcome. 

Yes, Christopher Moltisanti’s struggles with addiction mirrored my own problems with substance abuse, but when I watched him get clean for the 4th time, I knew I could do it. Now, of course, I did watch him relapse 4 times too, but statistically, that only makes it more likely that I will stay clean this time. Sorry Chrissy, it’s a numbers game. 

Remember when Janice starts thriving after anger management, but Tony is feeling low, so he just cracks wise about her estranged son until she tries to throttle him, and he walks away all smug? After seeing that scene four times, I now understand that Tony was in the wrong. The first three times, I thought it was awesome! I mean, I still kinda do! But like, also, not awesome. 

One of the hardest moments in life is realizing that someone you love is toxic to you. We all have a Big Pussy Bonpensiero in our lives at one point or another, am I right? I know I did, and The Sopranos taught me exactly how to deal with that person! How did I deal with them exactly? Well, let’s just say, I wound up buying that boat. 

I used to think trying to suffocate your mother with a pillow after she tried to have you killed was something that made me “weird.” Sometimes, all it takes is binge-watching a show about a sociopathic mobster four times to realize that beautiful, simple truth — you are not alone. 

I’m not trying to say I’m perfect; nobody is. There are still things I have to work on in my life. Like, did Tony somehow kill Hesh’s girlfriend or what? Renata, what happened there? 

Look, I know how I sound, but I honestly believe that between Dr. Melfi’s office, The Test Dream, and watching Phil Leotardo emerge from a closet to kill Vito, I have done the work. I am no longer the sad clown, going about in pity for myself. I am appreciative of any orange juice given to me, even if it has more than just some pulp. I have read The Art of War. 

The fundamental question is, will I be as effective as a Sopranos fan like my friend who went to therapy was?’ And I will be, even more so. But until I am, it’s gonna be hard to verify that I think I’ll be more effective.

I said my peace! 

Viral Looksmaxxing Tutorial Just Pirated Copy of “The Ugly Stepsister”

Posted on by Dan Rice

TIKTOK — Internet sleuths have determined that a currently viral TikTok video claiming to be a how-to guide for the growing “looksmaxxing” movement is, in fact, an illegally posted bootleg copy of the 2025 body-horror film “The Ugly Stepsister”, according to trusted social media experts. 

“This tutorial really takes looksmaxxing to the next level,” said looksmaxxing pioneer Clavicular in a post on his own TikTok account. “Any poser can restructure their cheekbones with a hammer, but nose taming? That is just elite level right there. My tape worm finally arrived in the mail three days ago, and I already feel more masculine, more confident, and, at least when I’m not doubled over in debilitative abdominal pain, which is often, more energetic! It’s a long video, so if you’re too busy maximizing your gains to watch the whole thing, all you really need to know is that having a tapeworm rocks, and I am definitely not an incel.” 

The film, a satirical and gruesome retelling of the Cinderella story from the wicked step-siblings’ point of view, showcases the extreme lengths its main character will go through to win the affections of a vapid and boorish prince, including facial mutilation, the use of parasites, and self-dismemberment — techniques many looksmaxxers now consider to be tools in their arsenal. 

“At first, when she chopped part of her foot off to fit that slipper, I was like ‘Yo, that’s nutty,’” recalled Looksmaxxer Dwayne Shepard. “But then I remembered how Nike never seems to have Air Jordan 1’s in a 13″ wide. As you can see, I’m rocking a fresh pair right now, and once I relearn how to walk, I’m gonna look fly as hell. When looksmaxxing meets sneakerhead culture, good things happen! Anyway, Clavicular is not an incel.” 

While the film earned significant critical praise during its initial release, experts are at a loss to explain how anyone could consider inflicting the self-harm it depicts on themselves for any reason. 

“People are doing what?!” exclaimed film critic Sara Pratcherd. “Because of who?! Clavicular? That incel guy?! Jesus. I mean, what the fuck?!” 

As of press time, Clavicular was abstaining from sexual activity despite not wanting or choosing to do so. 

Five Movie Roles Tim Allen Didn’t Get Because of Cancel Culture and Also Because He Fucking Sucks at Acting

Posted on by Steve Packosky

UGH, Hollywood, right?! One minute you’re on top of the world with a hit sitcom and a whole slew of bland, forgettable children’s movies, and the next you’re completely blackballed just because a bunch of snowflake producers don’t like your political views and total lack of depth or range as an actor. Just look at Tim Allen. 

No actor has borne the brunt of the industry’s crusade against Republicans who aren’t entertaining or funny more than this cocaine-smuggling snitch turned entertainer. Here are five movie roles the poor guy didn’t land because of this cancel culture, and also because he just fucking sucks.

  1. Dr. Sean Maguire in Good Will Hunting

Thanks to the thoughtcrime-persecuting Radical Left and because Robin Williams was much, much more talented and convincing in this role than he could ever dream of being, Tim Allen was not selected to play the grieving therapist who challenges the main character’s defense mechanisms in this classic. It’s almost like conservative actors are actively being barred from making movies shittier.

  1. Frank Costello in The Departed

Way to go, Scoresese! You could have completely ruined this heralded crime thriller by casting a guy who somehow made a career out of grunting, but you overlooked him just because of his regressive views and inability to portray a serious character, instead choosing the brilliant Jack Nicholson and ending up with a flawless piece of cinema. I’m sure the Woke Mob is thrilled.

  1. Captain John Miller in Saving Private Ryan

What, Tom Hanks is able to wow the audience as this no-nonsense 2nd Ranger Battalion Captain who’s haunted by the men who die under his command, but Tim Allen can’t just because he’s a right-winger who plays the same stale, boring character in everything he does? Fuck off with your masterful direction, Spielberg, you Liberal crybaby.

  1. Robin Ramzinski in The Wrestler

Apparently, Tim Allen wasn’t fit for this endearing role of an aging wrestler clinging to the past as he’s besieged by financial hardship. Is it because he’s an outspoken Trump supporter, or is it because he’s completely devoid of any performative skill in his field? You might want to ask Darren Aronofsky why he made one of the best movies of the new millennium by passing over the star of Home Improvement.

  1. Scott Calvin in The Santa Clause

Tim Allen was snubbed again in this — oh wait, he’s actually in this one, and it’s every bit as dull and idiotic as we’d expect? Hell yeah! Score one for the GOP! Take that, you baby-butchering, blue-haired leftist freaks!

Museum Audio Guide Gently Suggests Visitor Might Be Too Dumb To Get This One

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

NEW YORK — A local museum visitor reported Friday that the helpful audio guide at the Museum of Contemporary Art had gently begun suggesting he might simply be too dumb to understand one of the featured pieces after he failed to respond positively to it, sources confirmed.

“I was looking at a particularly unimpressive and confusing piece of modern, or contemporary art, is there a difference? Anyways, I was thinking to myself how stupid and ugly it was when the audio guide thoughtfully suggested I might actually be too dumb to get it,” said visitor Ethan Calloway. “It went on to say that if I disliked it, it was probably because I was incapable of understanding nuance, subtext, or even basic technique, which was a relief because I was tired of looking at it and didn’t want to waste any more of my time.”

Museum director Claire Mendel noted that such features have become increasingly common as institutions attempt to make modern art more accessible to wider audiences.

“Audio guides are incredibly popular now, especially among visitors who may feel intimidated or overwhelmed by certain works,” said Mendel. “Our systems are specifically designed to warmly support struggling patrons by helping them identify which pieces they may simply be too ignorant to appreciate before redirecting them toward the more approachable, milquetoast works that better align with their tastes and mainstream sensibilities. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with preferring the kinds of pieces you can just Google image-search or find at your local HomeGoods.”

Art historian and museum consultant Dr. Leonard Weiss explained that not all museumgoers are seeking the same experience.

“Most people come to museums because they want to enjoy themselves, not because they’re interested in confronting difficult ideas or engaging with work that may challenge them emotionally, politically, or philosophically,” Weiss said. “The average visitor does not want art that inspires inward reflection or outward change that could have a powerful, lasting effect on the world. Most simply want to see some mundane, tasteless nonsense they can imagine hanging over a West Elm couch and CB2 lounger so they can continue not caring about, respecting, or valuing art in any meaningful way whatsoever.”

At press time, the museum’s audio guide was reportedly reminding Calloway that new episodes of three different Taylor Sheridan shows were available for streaming if he was thinking about just skipping the last few exhibits and heading home.

Woah Little Dude, Chill! This 3rd Grader Wants To Begin His Cussing Career With “Pissfucker

Posted on by Finn Kobler

Could my nephew Gabriel be the Modern Icarus? He wouldn’t know because he called me a Turd Wanker when I tried to teach him about Greek mythology, but things seem to be headed that way. 

It’s my fault. He said his favorite actor is Adam Sandler because of Hotel Transylvania 2, so I showed him Uncut Gems. Now, he wants to use all the cuss words in that film so that maybe one day he can “die of fucking colon cancer like that fucking pissfucker Howard Ratner.” Unfortunately, moderation is not one of the words in his ever-expanding profane vocabulary. 

He’s already trying out “pissfucker,”  and it’s too soon! Don’t get me wrong, I cussed at his age, but I studied the craft before elevating to “pissfucker.” You have to pass core classes like “Shitbugger 101” and “What Countries You Can Say Cunt In” before taking on higher-level stuff. But Gabe won’t listen! He wants to jump right to the Carlin-isms with no “ass” transitional period and no exploration of “taint vs nutsack” pedagogy. What’s he thinking? 

Plus, my brother told me the little schmuck has a C- in Grammar, and that’s gonna tank the potency of his swears. Everyone knows “to pissfuck’ isn’t an existent infinitive in modern English. Who does he think he is, Shakespeare? Trust me, the Bard would be better at AYSO soccer and show me a lot fewer YouTube shorts of Tung Tung Tung Sahur. 

Three months ago, he could barely say ‘aw fiddlesticks;’ now he’s mapping out the playground’s assguzzlers with the precision of a tenured topographer. What have I done? Should I show him another Safdie film? Marty Supreme? At least then, he’ll be learning more wholesome lessons like being yourself and hating Kevin O’Leary.

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