Boomers Accuse Millennials of Killing JonBenét Ramsey

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

WHITE RIVER JUNCTION, Vt. — Baby boomers nationwide are reportedly accusing millennials of killing child beauty pageant star JonBenét Ramsey, sources confirm.

“Those entitled jerks ruin everything, it makes me so dang mad!” shared 68-year-old Wilford Russel. “First they killed napkins, then came the shopping malls — it only makes sense that they’re the ones responsible for killing that precious little girl! All they do is take, take, take and murder, murder, murder! I can’t use dryer sheets anymore because they think they’re above it! Apparently, they want their clothes to be as rough and mean as they are! Now because of them I won’t get to see what that pretty girl ended up looking like as a woman!”

An officer from the 1990 case shared his thoughts on the generation-wide accusation.

“I mean, it’s better than any of the bullshit theories we came up with,” said officer Lewis Muldon. “For one thing, we totally effed up in terms of preserving the scene. We let family members come and go, people traipsed all over the place, and we forgot to take pictures. Then, even though it’s a family member like 80% of the time, we let the family decide what we could see when. At least these boomers have a list of similar priors that millennials have committed. You know what, maybe we should reopen the case.”

Savannah Liberatore, a top sociologist specializing in generational trends, explained her expert take on the situation.

“Baby boomers are always interesting to study,” said Liberatore. “They’re somehow always mad despite spending their entire lives getting all the resources they’ve ever needed, and they’ve decided to turn their irrational anger towards their own children. They’re really the ones responsible for putting in place the economic situations that have caused millennials to forego, or ‘kill,’ things such as formal dress codes and the home ownership industry. So the constant ‘millennials killed this’ narrative from them is a bit rich, to put it mildly. They might be onto something with this one, though, considering it was clearly the millennial brother who did it.”

Reports are that boomers are now looking into how they can somehow blame the Zodiac killings on millennials, too.

Fucking Dweebs: Check Out These Five Presidents Who Obtained Congressional Approval Before Attacking Another Nation

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Doesn’t it feel great to finally have someone with some balls in the White House? The American public should feel honored to be represented by such a salt of the Earth bastion of the working class who doesn’t stand for the bullshit our past presidents putzed around with, like “not engaging in executive overreach”, “comporting oneself with even the barest modicum of human decency”, or “adhering to the War Powers Resolution”. Fuck all that noise. Check out these five heads of state who actually went through Congress before attacking another nation. Fucking dweebs!

  1. Franklin D. Roosevelt

This lily-livered little milquetoast formally requested a declaration of war from Congress the day after Pearl Harbor, and went through the whole rigmarole of signing it only after it had passed both the Senate and the House. What a pussy! You bet your ass we wouldn’t have to worry about that today. Our president would’ve likely already bombed Japan to distract his followers from the fact that he’s a pedophile, as the Good Lord intended.

  1. Woodrow Wilson

Nerd alert! This doctorate-having Poindexter sought two separate declarations of war from Congress against both Germany and Austria-Hungary. Christ, Woodrow! Didn’t you know that you could’ve just sent General Pershing over there to fuck shit up whenever you goddamn well pleased? Why’d you have to be such a little bitch about it?

  1. George W. Bush

While we certainly applaud Bush’s decision to attack a Middle Eastern country for no fucking reason, we can’t help but look down upon his waiting for Congress to approve the Iraq Resolution before doing so. Looks like he wasn’t the alpha male we all took him for. What a shame.

  1. James Madison

We don’t know or care what the fuck the War of 1812 was about, but we’re all for teaching those tea-guzzling weaklings across the pond a lesson or two. Fuck those accents. James Madison apparently agreed, but he saw it fitting to go through Congress first for whatever reason. What a weenie.

  1. Donald Trump

Just kidding! You think this total Chad gave a shit what the House and Senate thought about invading Iran? Hell no! He had his thousands of mentions in the Epstein files to steer the public’s thoughts from, and having his cronies at Fox News obsessively rant against trans athletes just wasn’t cutting the mustard. Rock on, President Trump! You’re doing a bang-up job needlessly murdering people and driving up the cost of everything just because you felt like it, and we’re so proud of you!

Heartwarming: When the Coca-Cola Company Found Out This Gay Teen Was Being Bullied, They Sent Him a Targeted Ad That Reads “Nothing Goes Better With Being Gay Than the Refreshing Taste of Coca-Cola”

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s Pride Month, and for many of this nation’s heartless corporations, that means the season of shameless pandering and cash grabs. That’s why it’s so refreshing (just like a certain soft drink!) when a company takes the time to listen, to care, and to make a highly personalized, uniquely targeted shameless cash grab at someone who could really use it. 

Paul Gorbman is an openly gay 17-year-old high school junior living in the less-than-progressive suburbs of Jacksonville, Florida. In a recent viral social media video, Paul laid out harrowing details of the harassment and bullying he’s received since coming out, both from his fellow students and even, Paul claims, some of the school’s faculty members. The video is a sobering reminder that some parts of this country still have a long way to go when it comes to accepting the LGBTQ+ community. Fortunately for Paul, his story did not fall on deaf ears. 

When representatives of the Coca-Cola Company saw Paul’s tearful video, they sprang into action to let the victimized teen know his voice was being heard loud and clear. Just imagine the surprise and joy Paul must have felt when he woke up the next day to see his social media accounts bombarded with targeted ads reading “Nothing Goes Better With Being Gay Than The Refreshing Taste of Coca-Cola.” 

We reached out to Paul to get his reaction to Coca-Cola’s charitable marketing, and he was every bit as ecstatic as you can imagine! 

“Yeah, it was weird; my whole feed was just the same Coca-Cola ad over and over. I mean, I like Coke fine, I guess. Don’t really see the dot connect with being gay, to be honest. Do they mean like, after gay sex? Coca-Cola is terrible after sex. All that sugar and fizz? You mostly just want water, if anything, maybe a sports drink? Anyway, still facing a lot of harassment at school.” 

According to Coca-Cola spokesperson Terry Minx, this is only the beginning. 

“The gay thing was just the first test of this exciting new format. With AI, the possibilities are endless. As you know, Breast Cancer Awareness month is right around the corner, and we’re already hard at work on a special targeted ad for everyone on the internet who has breast cancer! I’m thinking something like ‘Nothing goes better with breast cancer than the taste of Coca-Cola,’ or maybe, ‘an ice-cold Coca-Cola?’ We’re still workshopping, but it’s all just part of our way of saying “Hey, drink our product.’ 

It’s easy to be cynical in 2026, but as long as there are selfless helpers like The Coca-Cola Company out there, we can all rest assured that no matter what challenges we face, we will always be told where to get our high fructose corn syrup from. And if you find all of this AI-targeted advertising dehumanizing, just remember, nothing goes better with crippling depression than the refreshing taste of Coca-Cola! 

Conservative Man Struggling To Convince Wife That Grindr an App for Power Tools

Posted on by Ben Friedman

CHARLESTON, S.C. — Staunch conservative Darryl Higgins was seen at a local restaurant after attending church struggling to explain to his wife that the Grindr app on his phone was merely something for looking up power tool information and had nothing to do with hooking up with other men, witnesses confirmed.

“Whatever sound you thought you heard in church this morning, babe, you’ve got this all wrong. Grindr for finding power tools like grinders, get it? You know how these apps are with their kooky spelling! I’m just using it for a secret project for a new giant American flag pole in the yard. I swear I’m just using it for getting drilled — I mean drills,” said Higgins. “I don’t know nothing about any gay sex app! That stuff I was messaging about power bottoms, I just meant those heavy duty batteries. You know me, I’m like the straightest guy of all time.The only shafts I work on are hot rods and not our son’s Sunday school teacher, Rod.” 

Higgins’ wife wanted to believe him, but remained highly skeptical.

“I almost believed him when he blamed Darryl Jr. for the all those ‘9 inch poles’ searches on the family computer, but I’m not fucking stupid. Six other women in my Moms for Liberty chapter told me they caught their husbands on some gay dating app that sounded suspiciously like the one Darryl has,” said Mary Higgins. “I’m giving him five more minutes to explain why someone on the app would be reaching out to him about bringing lube and protection, and I’m pretty sure it’s not for his eyes.”

Grindr reps admitted they field inquiries from suspicious spouses on a daily basis.

“Our inbox is like an avalanche from clueless wives after their husbands return from the Republican National Convention to unannounced fishing trips with ‘some friends.’ It’s against policy to divulge private information, but you have no idea how many times I just want to reach through the screen and shake some sense into these idiots,” said customer service rep Kevin Sheffield. “So no, Grindr isn’t for bespoke salt shakers, it’s not for finding old grain mills, and it’s definitely not for angle grinders. Are these people in denial or just that oblivious?”

As of press time, Darryl Higgins was seen outside in the parking lot desperately trying to explain to his wife why “Home Depot” was calling him about an upcoming orgy.

Republican Jesus Turns Squirt Guns Into AR-15s

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

PALM BEACH, Fla. — Florida man Buck Swanson, who some have dubbed Republican Jesus, astonished the guests at his cousin’s MAGA-themed wedding recently by transforming several squirt guns into fully functioning AR-15 assault rifles, confirmed sources.

“My cousin Billy had just gotten hitched and wanted to celebrate with me and the boys by gettin’ drunk and shootin’ gators down at the swamp,” said Swanson. “The problem was, only one of us thought to bring a gun to the wedding. Then I remembered I had a bunch of old Super Soakers in the back of my pickup. I managed to save a tailgate party the week before by turning a single pack of hot dogs into enough food to feed an entire parking lot, so I figured turning a few squirt guns into semiautomatic rifles should be a piece of cake. And it was!”

Word of this so-called “miracle” has led conservative Christians across the Sunshine State to abandon their churches and anoint Swanson the true messiah.

“Dude, Republican Jesus is the shit!” said self-appointed apostle Joe “Dirt” Nelson. “Not only did he turn those squirtguns into AR-15s but he cured Bobby Jo’s herpes! He was the one that gave it to her in the first place, but still. One time we went down to one of them gun buybacks, and Buck started flippin’ over tables and shit to own the libs! I’d like to see commie Jesus with the long hair and goatee do that!”

Several church leaders, however, remain unconvinced that Swanson is the real deal and warn of the dangers of worshipping a false idol.

“This so-called Republican Jesus is an emissary of Satan sent to lure good men away from God and into the fiery bowels of hell,” said Father Martin, a priest from The Bleeding Womb of Mary church. “There is only one Messiah, and he doesn’t walk around in jorts and American Flag flip-flops, I can tell you that. He’s more of a Teva man.”

At press time, Swanson was seen running in the opposite direction of an active shooter situation at a local Wal-Mart despite being armed with one of his signature AR-15s.

Fucking Liar: We Showed Up at Randy Newman’s House Trying to Be His Friend And He Called Security on Us

Posted on by Stephen Bell

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain, we all have sorrow. But if we are wise, we know that there’s always Randy Newman to comfort us. Or at least that’s what I thought because he told me he’s my friend in that song. But after getting my ass busted by his security team, I learned that he’s a fucking liar. 

After my LA landlord raised my rent from $1,300 to $25,000 per month, I needed to find a place to crash while I looked for a new apartment. Unfortunately, all of my friends also got kicked out of their homes. With nowhere else to go, I suddenly remembered the words of my supposed good pal Randy Newman. But apparently Randy Newman isn’t willing to share a nice warm bed with a friend in need because he called security once he found me sleeping in his guest room.

Apparently he likes to use his guest room for scrimshawing, so he was hella confused when he found me and my suitcases inside. I woke up to a testicles-swaying-wildly-in-his-bathrobe Randy yelling at me in his classically tired yet goofy voice, telling me to get out. I told him, ‘But Randy, I thought I had a friend in you?’, to which he replied, ‘I don’t even know who you are!’, which was really rude because hey,  I bothered to learn his name.

I told him that he was acting like Woody did towards Buzz in the beginning of the first Toy Story movie, but apparently he learned nothing because his security guys also pushed me out the window. 

That’s when I learned that Randy Newman really does hate short people because he told me to get my 5-foot-nothing ass off of his property. I was reduced to 5 foot though because he pushed a piano out of the window after me and it folded my spine like a cartoon accordion. 

I guess he wasn’t lying when he said it’s a jungle out there because if you can’t even trust Randy Newman to support you, then what else is there? God, I fucking hate L.A. 

Grandpa Opening Up to Family for First Time Written Off as Senile

Posted on by Billy Patterson

GREER, S.C. — Local grandfather Lawrence Bookbinder’s family determined that his recent habit of expressing his thoughts and feelings must be the result of senility, glum sources reported.

“I knew it would happen someday, but I wasn’t ready for his mind to start going like this so soon,” said Kayla Bookbinder, Lawrence’s granddaughter. “He just hasn’t been acting like himself lately. The other day, out of nowhere, he started talking about his past? Like, talking about himself, sharing memories about growing up in his childhood home and playing in the yard with his siblings, stuff like that. I was ready to write it off as a one-time ‘senior moment,’ but he kept piping up, sharing information about himself and expressing his opinions. It was really disturbing, that’s just not the Grandpa I’ve come to know.”

Lawrence, however, is reluctant to accept his family’s suspicions of dementia.

“I don’t feel like there’s anything wrong with me, I’ve just been speaking up a little more than usual. My wife and kids talk about themselves all the time, why shouldn’t I talk about myself? I’ve been sitting quietly through family dinners for 50 years, it’s my turn,” said Lawrence. “My conversation topics have traditionally been limited to what new chain restaurants are opening in the area and what Tom Clancy novel I’m reading, so it must have been alarming for them when I started talking about my relationship with my father. And now that I think about it, I did tell my grandkids I loved them… maybe I am starting to lose it?”

Jennifer Liu, a local geriatric doctor, says that she frequently encounters situations like that of the Bookbinder family.

“I see this all the time in my profession,” said Liu. “People bring in their elderly male relatives for cognitive tests as soon as they start expressing emotions, or talking about their feelings, or tipping at a coffee shop. Sometimes it’s dementia, sometimes they’re just finally ready to talk. Either way, you want to treat this behavior early or it will only get worse. Their extrovertedness might seem tolerable at first, but when it comes down to it, I don’t think most people really want to hear the thoughts and feelings of anyone born before 1970.”

At press time, the Bookbinders also suspected that their elderly grandmother was senile after she momentarily forgot where the Facebook app was located on her iPad.

Concert Sponsored by Spotify Lets Premium Ticket Holders Skip Songs They Don’t Like

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

NEW YORK — Spotify debuted a live concert concept where premium ticket holders can skip the songs they don’t like, sources confirmed.

“We’re taking the classic Spotify experience out of the digital and into this season’s hottest live shows. We’re taking the power of skips away from the band and giving it to the people. We’re democratizing the setlist—specifically, for those who pay for it,” said Alex Norström, one of the co-CEOs of Spotify. “It’s simple. At any point in the concert, a premium customer opens the Spotify app, proposes a skip, moderates a discussion with other premium customers, and spends one of their skip tokens on a vote. If the skip gets enough votes, the band stops playing and moves on to another song. Of course, additional skip tokens are available for a modest fee. If the band receives enough skips, they’re quickly escorted off stage and replaced by a second band identified by our matching algorithm. You’re going to love it.”

Premium ticket holders are already leaving rave reviews.

“I got such a rush from watching the poors cry when I voted to skip ‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’ at the Green Day show. I love that song, but I love ruining the show for my ex even more,” said Ainsley Calhoun, one of 1,763 premium customers at the Green Day concert. “Every third song or so, everyone who wasn’t premium had to turn around, cover their ears, and watch five minutes of ads on a giant screen at the back of the venue. Meanwhile, I bought enough skip tokens to outvote everyone so I could hear ‘Nightlife.’ God, I’ve never been more aroused.”

Bands questioned whether the model is sustainable.

“Spotify promised to pay us double for each skip. I should’ve asked what was being doubled, because we still only made 43 cents from the entire show,” said Tré Cool, drummer for Green Day. “I called Spotify personally to tell them this will bankrupt our tour. They said the money is nothing compared to the exposure that will bring people to our live shows. What live shows? We’re doing live shows right now!”

As of press time, a Hellbastard show ended in a riot after enough skips brought Lee Greenwood to the stage.

End It Seriously Underestimating Retaliatory Power of Chiquita Banana Company

Posted on by Dan Rice

TORONTO — Members of the hardcore band End It called on the crowd to harass and disrobe an attendee wearing an attention-grabbing banana costume during a recent show, a move many fans fear will draw retaliation from the notoriously bloodthirsty and capable Chiquita Banana Company, sources within the hardcore community speculate. 

“Those guys oughta know yo, you don’t fuck with the banana!” said paranoid End It fan Louis Hernandez. “My grandfather is from Colombia; he has seen some shit. Some real shit. You think having one obnoxious, attention-seeking fan sucks? Try having a corporate-backed fully armed far-right militia barreling down at you. I don’t know what Big Banana’s demands are, but for the sake of your families, dudes, for the love of God just meet them. You don’t want to find out what these people are capable of.” 

Many noted historians and experts in corporate governmental influence are painting a grim portrait of End It’s future, should hostilities towards the banana giant and its interests continue. 

“It’s pretty clear that the members of End It have never taken a glance at Chiquita’s Wikipedia page,” said South American political historian Sylvia Shrine. “These people have toppled whole governments to keep the price of bananas from going up 20 cents. They have started literal wars, killed thousands of innocent people, and you just called for a direct assault on one of their representatives. Unless they really are trying to ‘end it’ all, I suggest that band issue an apology, grease all the right palms, and lay low for a while. Get your families into safe houses immediately and tell no one where you’re headed — Chiquita has eyes and ears all over the world.” 

A spokesman for Chiquita has issued an official statement regarding the Toronto performance. 

“End It’s altercation with our associate was… unfortunate. Most unfortunate indeed,” lamented Chiquita spokesperson Wilson VanFord from a thick cloud of premium cigar smoke. “Frankly, when a rock band displays that sort of recklessness, one can’t be all too surprised when they wind up having, shall we say, an accident.” VanFord then began a low, grumbling laugh, which spread to the huddle of intimidating-looking associates standing behind his chair and quickly escalated into terrifying hysterics. 

As of press time, cell phones belonging to the members of End It were found abandoned just outside the Canadian border.  

“Careful,” Helpfully Warns Bystander After Woman Has Already Tripped

Posted on by Miriam Jayaratna

MONROE, Wash. — In an act of breathtaking selflessness, a local man warned a woman to be careful after she stumbled over a styrofoam halal container and wiped out on the sidewalk. 

“I don’t think of myself as a hero. I just did what anyone would do. I’m glad I was in the right place at the right time,” said the humble Samaritan, Joe Ugorette. “I don’t even want to think about what might have happened to her otherwise.”

The woman had light bruising and bloody knees, but did not sustain a concussion – though no one knows for sure because, after Ugorette’s wise words of caution, the other bystanders at the scene assumed she was fine. 

“I’ve never seen anything like it. I immediately called my girlfriend to tell her how quickly this guy sprang into action,” said Dean Pearlmutter, another witness to Ugorette’s post facto intervention. “I mean, he didn’t miss a beat. As soon as her body hit the pavement, he was right there with the ‘careful.’ I definitely didn’t have the presence of mind to come through like he did. My girlfriend asked me why he didn’t tell her to look out before she tripped. I was like, ‘Babe, the guy is a white knight, not a freaking precog!’” 

Acts of chivalry like Ugorette’s are rare, according to Dr. Aurika Hays, a psychologist who studies altruistic behaviors. 

“Studies have shown that the average human — specifically, the average man — is primarily self-centered. However, in every generation, there are a few dozen people who go above and beyond to help others, without any obvious personal gain,” said Hays. “It seems Mr. Ugorette is a member of this small but vital group. People like this are probably how we’ve survived as a species.” 

At press time, the anonymous woman was attempting to get up and gather her belongings and what remained of her dignity. Meanwhile, on the other side of the street, Ugorette was swarmed by an adoring crowd of newly-minted fans, begging him to say “careful” one more time so they could make it into a GIF. 

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