If you follow any famous pets on social media, you’ve likely come across this picture: A playful pup is rolling in the grass, tongue out with a downright adorable demeanor, their little legs strewn about like a rag doll. They don’t have a care in the world. So precious!
Wait — why the hell did the owner pixelate their dog’s penis? I wouldn’t have even noticed it if they hadn’t done that! Now I feel kinda gross. What the fuck. Are they doing it because they want to protect the dog’s pure image? Or like, are they weird animal perverts? I can’t think of any other reasons someone would do such a thing.
Anyways, we decided to ask a pet influencer who blurs their dog’s junk on Instagram a few questions about their motives to clear things up.
Lindsey Torlmann, owner of Spot the Shiba Inu (873K Followers)
THT: Hi Lindsey. It’s great to meet you and Spot.
LT: Happy to be here! Spot is my furry angel and I’m so glad to chat with you about him. Say hi Spot!
THT: Aww, cute. Well, to be honest we really just have one question. How come on Instagram you always put a smiley face emoji over Spot’s…you know…peni—
LT: —Over his naughty bits? WeIl, It just feels indecent to show genitalia online, even a dog’s. I find that putting a smiley over Spot’s private parts helps keep things G-rated on his account.
THT: So why not just, you know, avoid uploading pictures with Spot’s “private parts” visible in the first place? Wouldn’t that also solve this problem?
LT: Well, I need content. It’s how I make a living and support Spot. His raw diet isn’t cheap! I have to make sure he is well taken care of.
THT: Okay, so if we’re following, you upload lewd content of your dog online to make money?
LT: It’s not lewd! Spot just likes to lay on his back a lot. He’s submissive to his mommy. His fuzzy wuzzy balls would distract from his smiling face so I cover them up. Also it’s not like I take all the money Spot’s account earns for myself. I buy him nice things all the time. Look at his designer dog collar!
THT: So you’re like his pimp? Also please don’t say fuzzy wuzzy balls ever again.
LT: No I’m not Spot’s pimp. I am his owner and manager and play date coordinator. And I can refer to his balls however I want, thank you very much! You sound jealous.
THT: We are not. I think this conversation is over.
LT: Agreed! We’re leaving. You guys suck. Besides, we’re already late to Spot’s boudoir shoot. He didn’t get a doggy Brazilian for nothing!