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Fuck Yeah: Friend Flaked First

NEW YORK — 31-year-old Sonoma Jennings was surprised yet overjoyed this week when she received word that her most reliable friend abruptly canceled their lunch date just minutes before she had planned on doing the same, sources confirmed.

“It’s no secret that I’m usually the one from our friend group to cancel at the last possible second. Honestly I don’t even know why people bother inviting me places anymore. That’s why it was really refreshing to see Claire step up and pull the plug on our little catch up before I got around to it,” said Jennings as she pressed send on her already-queued DoorDash order. “I mean, it was never going to happen. I ran out of Adderall last week and my social battery has literally been on zero for days. I’m so stoked Claire bailed and I can watch ‘Below Deck Down Under’ with my cat without pretending I feel guilty.”

Claire Papazo, the aforementioned friend, seemed noticeably less thrilled by the situation at hand.

“I was so looking forward to seeing Sonoma today, but I woke up with this awful migraine,” said Papazo, visibly uncomfortable and yet to leave her bed. “I feel absolutely terrible I had to call off our plans. I hope Sonoma isn’t upset with me for this, but I understand if she is. I know we were both really looking forward to lunch today. I’ll just have to be sure to reschedule right away and make sure I make it up to her by paying for her dinner next time we hang out.”

Xavier Trujo, a clinical psychologist who specializes in millennial coping behaviors, says that the phenomenon of genuine guilt like Papazo’s is actually rare.

“Many young people I see in my practice don’t feel even a tinge of remorse when established plans fall through last minute. In fact, for most it’s the opposite. The massive amount of dopamine released from sending or receiving that ‘you’re gonna hate me but…’ text causes a surge of pleasure,” explained Trujo. “It can be incredibly hard to break a flaking addiction once it’s taken hold. I’ve seen patients who’ve been flaking since they were teenagers and now can’t even keep plans they’re actually excited for. It’s tragic, really.”

At press time, Jennings was seen looking at her calendar to make sure she would be free to flake on Papazo for their “redo date.”