New “Yellowstone” Spinoff to Be Shot Entirely Inside of Dodge Ram 3500 Longhorn

Posted on by Trevor Graham

​LOS ANGELES — Showrunners for the hit show “Yellowstone” announced that they are planning a new spinoff series that will take place entirely within a 2026 Dodge Ram 3500, sources who appreciate towing capacity confirmed.

“We’re really excited to announce our series will continue the trials and adventures of the Dutton family, and we’re especially excited that every scene will be centered around the rugged, yet dependable Dodge Ram 3500 Longhorn,” said the show’s creator, Taylor Sheridan. “The rich leather interior as well as the hands-free Apple CarPlay capabilities of the stylish new jewel in the Dodge Ram family will play a prominent role as our characters fight for their family’s legacy to keep control of their Montana ranch from outside corporate forces or whatever.”

Cole Hauser, who will reprise his role as Rip Wheeler, says that to prepare for the role in the new series, he used the new setting as inspiration.

“When Taylor first approached me about coming back as Rip, I was a little hesitant, especially since the whole show takes place inside a pickup,” said Hauser while behind the wheel of a polished truck. “But then I workshopped it a bit and came up with a way to use it in my preparation by saying to myself, ‘What would I do if I were a Montana ranch hand who received a large lump sum of cash from the Chrysler Corporation?’ and suddenly I got excited about the role.”

​Peacock executive Dana Scott says the streaming platform is looking for more opportunities to produce shows that are exclusively centered around a product from a corporate sponsor.

“Research shows us that most people who pay for streaming services just put shows on in the background while they browse on their phones, so we thought, why not lean into that and just produce shows that are fully just half-hour-long commercials,” said Scott. “For example, the next season of ‘Poker Face’ is just going to be Natasha Lyonne’s character playing BetMGM on her phone while occasionally saying ‘bullshit.’ Like, that’s it — that’s the whole show. Fuck it. It’s the only way I’m going to be able to keep my Malibu beach bungalow.”

At press time, reports from insiders indicate production on the new “Yellowstone” series had been paused due to the actors learning that the pickup truck was first on the call sheet.

Well, Shit: This Douchebag Who Everyone Thought Peaked in High School Is Having a Successful Comeback in His 40s

Posted on by Stephen Bell

So I knew this total jagoff Kevin Kergis, who everyone was absolutely certain peaked in high school. Unfortunately, he’s been having a real renaissance in his 40s, and it’s really pissing everyone off. Honestly, the sick bastard has recently shown a lot of growth as an individual and it makes me want to retch.

It was pretty satisfying to see Kevin struggle with alcoholism after high school because of what a massive douchebag he was. He would show up to parties uninvited, drink all the booze, and bully people. He’d try to twist our nipples and say we were gay and that we actually liked it. We all looked forward to him dying a horrible death from cirrhosis, but instead, he started a non-profit to help recovering addicts and was featured on the local news. I’m feeling really blue balled by this outcome.

Kevin used to be like the big, angry football dude who thought being able to run the ball well made him a literal god or some shit. He’s now apparently all calm and capable of working through his anger issues. I heard his therapist helped him reconnect with his estranged wife. He’s also a good, supportive father. I saw him at the park the other day, actually hanging out with his children and playing ball and shit. I could’ve blown chunks into the duck pond with how freaking wholesome it was.

Apparently, his therapist told him he should reach out to some of the people he bullied in high school and apologize for the way he used to treat them. I mean, he seemed really sincere in his apology with an honest recounting of every bad thing he did. And he made no excuses about his previous behavior, coupled with an offer to make amends. I actually cried and hugged him; he was that moving, and now he has to die.

Anyway, me and the rest of the gang from high school heard that Kevin was going to be reading to children at the library, so we’re all going to go get liquored up and boo him. Maybe give him a wedgie.

Eh, Close Enough: Coworker Who Found Out You Like Death Metal Wants to Talk About Lamb of God

Posted on by Steve Packosky

DAYTON, Ohio — You settled for talking about Lamb of God with your coworker Nate Hollis after he heard you blasting Autopsy’s “Severed Survival” in the building parking lot, sources report.

“It was so exciting to find out I’m working with a fellow headbanger,” said Hollis. “I didn’t really recognize the band that was playing in his car, but they sounded pretty heavy, so I wanted to know if he had ever checked out Lamb of God. I’ve been listening to them for a couple years now, and I’m pretty sure they’re the best band metal has to offer right now. Aside from them, I’m really into bands like Slipknot and Five Finger Death Punch, and I love the new Metallica album ‘72 Seasons.’ I should ask him if he’s checked it out.”

You figured you might as well talk about Lamb of God with Hollis.

“Beggars can’t be choosers, man,” you said. “In a perfect world, I would find a coworker who wants to talk about the newest albums by bands like Phrenelith or Ulcerate, but that’s definitely wishful thinking, and anyway, I can shoot the shit about Lamb of God with this guy. I bought ‘Ashes of the Wake’ when I was in high school, and I remember enjoying it, so what the hell. I guess I remember enough about them to carry on a conversation, and I’m pretty sure I still have the song ‘As the Palaces Burn’ on an old Spotify workout playlist. Maybe I can get this guy into some actual death metal so I won’t be the only guy here who’s into that type of music.”

Sociologist Kendra Crendall provided her expertise on the situation.

“Death metal fans have a long history of settling when it comes to finding like-minded individuals in professional settings,” Crendall noted. “With such a niche style of music, the chances of finding a fellow fan are very near zero, so any subgenre that’s even remotely close should be seized upon. Frankly, you were very lucky finding a Lamb of God fan at your workplace. I’ve conducted numerous case studies of people starting conversations about bands like Poison and Ratt after seeing a coworker’s Immolation shirt. This is as good as it’s going to get for you, so you made the right move in indulging your coworker.”

At press time, Hollis had invited you to a Disturbed concert next week.

Five Songs We’re Listening To This Week While Pretending We Had a Fun Summer

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Another summer is ending. Soon the leaves will change color and our outside plants will die. We’ll be reminded of our mortality, and mourn the end of a season that was so hot we only left our apartments, like, three or four times, maybe. And even when we did that, with all the chaos and terrible things happening constantly, we kind of felt bad for having fun. But hey, at least we’ll always have new music. Here are five songs we’re listening to this week while tricking ourselves into thinking maybe next summer will be more fruitful.

Bones Shredder ‘Pulling Teeth’

Even if you don’t know the name, there’s a good chance that if you listen to music at all, you’ve heard Randy Moore shred a guitar. He’s lent his work to the likes of Ghost, Daniel Andriano & the Bygones, Lektron, Get Married, and probably hundreds of others we don’t know about. Next month, Moore will release the debut album from his solo project, Bones Shredder. The latest single, ‘Pulling Teeth,’ suggests it will be inarguably better than your guitarist’s abandoned solo EP.

Shadowing ‘Alive?’

If you’ve ever wondered what Joy Division would sound like if they had access to modern-day pedal boards and screamed more, look no further than Portland darkwave quartet Shadowing. Their debut release ‘Body Neutral EP’ is a five-track blast of ominous post-punk that is sure to have you removing all non-grayscale clothing from your closet before staring pensively into a broken mirror for hours on end.
Body Neutral ep by Shadowing

White Reaper ‘Blue 42’

It’s been just over a year since White Reaper’s rhythm section announced their amicable departure from the band. Those worried about the future of the band should probably get a hobby but will be relieved to know that their latest album ‘Only Slightly Empty’ is coming out in just a few short weeks. The latest single ‘Blue 42’ is heavy, pensive, slow, and plays out like a hangover after a decade long party.

Upchuck ‘Tired’

Atlanta punk quintet Upchuck’s new Ty Segall-produced album ‘I’m Nice Now’ will be out in just over a month, and based on the singles, we’re thinking it might be time to take cover and prepare for the end. The latest, ‘Tired,’ is a blistering ride that will flatten you in less than three minutes but stay in your head for the rest of your life. The opening bass line is so disgusting there should be a Surgeon General’s Warning before the track starts. Proceed with caution, is what we’re saying here.

Chat Pile/Hayden Pedigo ‘Radioactive Dreams’

Noise rock outfit Chat Pile just announced an unlikely collaboration with singer-songwriter Hayden Pedigo. Given Pedigo’s penchant for gentle Americana-infused finger-picking and Chat Pile’s penchant for crafting songs so heavy they make you think you’re going to vomit, there’s no way this project should work. Yet, the lead single ‘Radioactive Dreams’ from the forthcoming album, ‘In The Earth Again,’ proves that despite all odds it doesn’t just work, it actually sounds listenable… dare we say, even pleasant?
In The Earth Again by Chat Pile & Hayden Pedigo

Mocktail Perfect For Man Who Doesn’t Want To Drink, But Still Wants To Spend $18

Posted on by Charles Bill

ARLINGTON, Va. — Local restaurant the Green Garden began serving mocktails which are perfect for the person who doesn’t want to drink, but still wants to spend $18, confirmed sources.

“I was feeling left out drinking an affordable diet Coke,” explained sober man Lawrence Wilkes. “All my friends were having a great time spending $22 at a time on espresso martinis and mezcal old fashioned drinks. I always felt excluded when it was time to close out our tabs and I’d only spent like $16 on food and they’d spent half their paychecks in one sitting. Thankfully there’s a way to feel like I partied hard too. Like, when we went to the Green Garden, I noticed they had a menu of mocktails. I think that is a portmanteau of mock and cocktail, but I would have to Google it to make sure. It was delicious, and it cost me as much as a burger without fries would have, so I felt good about it. I’ve just had way too much money on my hand ever since I quit boozing.”

The restaurant’s owners seemed to express consternation at the success of their new $18 glasses of sugar water.

“Look, we want to provide a good time for those who drink and those who don’t,” said Green Garden manager Ruth Peters. “I had the idea to add mocktails, a portmanteau of mock and cocktail by the way, to the menu. Most of the time there’s about 90 cents of juice and soda in each drink. We are making out like bandits. The biggest overhead on the mocktails comes from the ridiculous amount of dried fruit we put in them to make them look worth buying. It keeps me up at night how much money we are clearing on these things. Maybe capitalism was a mistake.”

Although the mocktails became immensely popular, not all customers felt the same enthusiasm as Wilkes.

“I wish Larry would just drink again,” said girlfriend of three years Dana Steward. “We go to Green Garden because they have delicious cocktails that get you fucked up. Larry quit booze a few months back and he’s been so boring since then. All he does is jigsaw puzzles and run 5ks. I want the man I fell in love with back. The same guy who shit in the bathroom wastebin thinking it was the toilet. Now all I have is some pussy who orders virgin daiquiris.”

At press time, the Green Garden bar staff was experimenting with a mocktail that was just water and grenadine that would require a loan to purchase.

Opinion: Connections Are Everything When You’re Looking To Land a Soul-Crushing, Time-Wasting Job

Posted on by Jeff Bender

Look, you’ve probably heard a lot about today’s job market and how difficult it is to “break in.” Some will tell you to get on LinkedIn, search for people whose qualifications match yours, and hope, just hope, that someone will DM you with a job offer. But even in this era of increasing digitization, nothing beats the personal, tried-and-true connection toward landing that dream job that will shatter your faith in humanity and rob you of all time and leisure.

Don’t get me wrong, I think a diversified attack is a good approach. But if you really want to go for your dream — by which I mean the nightmare that denies you of the pursuit of happiness — I find it best to mine the contacts that you already have in place.

Start with social media. Type in your desired industry — by “desired,” I mean the thing that will finally force you to surrender your free will and then literally kill you — into the Facebook search bar and see which of your friends’ friends or old classmates pop up. Scroll through to find which of these lackeys is posting photos of themselves on a boat with somebody else’s spouse, wielding an industry trophy with dead eyes, or hanging their arms around some colleagues with a smile that says, “What?! Who am I?! I didn’t want this!”

Message them. Remind them of your mutual acquaintances and social clubs. See if you can’t arrange a round of golf (you’re terrible), a latte (you’re lactose intolerant), or an evening of drunken karaoke (you hate Bon Jovi). They’re sure to get back to you immediately because they’re desperate to get away from the office to tell you how great it is. This is called “networking,” which is code for escaping the life they never wished for as a kid and, frankly, used to mock.

So when you’re panicked and confused, burdened by a mortgage and a tanning-bed subscription, it’s best to seek out other panicked and confused people who actually have jobs. Contact them today. Do it now! Don’t delay the chance to live out the dream that will make you want to die.

Escape Room Success Rate Jumps to 100% After Aerosmith Added to Background Music

Posted on by Steve Packosky

MORGANTOWN, W.Va. — The success rate at escape room 7th Avenue Escapes increased to 100% after an Aerosmith playlist was added to its background music, distressed sources report.

“We made a new ‘Escape the 90s’ themed room because that type of nostalgia is all the rage now,” said owner Fernando Cruz. “We adorned the walls with ‘Home Alone’ and ‘Jurassic Park’ posters and incorporated Game Boys and Gak into the clues. It was pretty neat, but I think we missed the mark with the custom Aerosmith playlist, with songs like ‘Crazy’ and that one from ‘Armageddon.’ I should have known something was awry when the players started frantically escaping in a fraction of a time than they previously had, and they had the most sickened and horrified looks on their faces.”

Player Dawn Irvin gave her feedback on the experience shortly after shattering the previously held record.

“What sick fuck put that thing together?” Irvin gasped as she caught her breath. “At first I thought the room was kind of clever. We had to decipher clues to find the correct game cartridge, which then gave us riddles we had to solve after we put it in the Super Nintendo. However, it became evident that the themed music playing the entire time was only going to be Aerosmith. As soon as I figured that out, I had to get out of there as quickly as possible. I’m so happy to have escaped that hell. Had I been in there for another minute, I probably would have vomited all over the place and gotten hit with the cleanup cost.”

Aerosmith singer Steven Tyler didn’t seem to understand the issue with his music’s inclusion in the escape room.

“There’s nothing wrong with adding a little rock ‘n roll to an escape room,” Tyler noted. “The world always needs more Aerosmith in its amusement offerings, especially since our Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster at Disney’s Hollywood Studios will be revamped to be Muppets themed next year. I always felt like people don’t hear our songs nearly enough on the radio or in movie soundtracks, so the larger presence we have in things like this, the better. I’m hoping to see our music included in more escape rooms going forward.”

At press time, Cruz was forced to remove the music after a safety regulator threatened to shutter 7th Avenue Escapes for placing a hazardous and unnecessary strain on customers.

Venue Marquee Guy Praying King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard Never Tours With …And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

TEMPE, Ariz. — Local concert venue marquee-setter Kenan Vollick was overheard fretting about the possibility of the bands King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard and …And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead ever doing a show together, sources confirmed, while counting the amount of letters that would be.

“Dude, I thought I had it bad when freaking They Might Be Giants burst on the scene. I didn’t know how breezy I had it back then! The thought of Gizzard and Trail of Dead ever joining forces literally keeps me up at night,” said Vollick, the man responsible for signage at Darkstar Tempe. “This venue isn’t prepared for the amount of letters that would take up. I’d have to start fashioning some out of old furniture and papier mache. I don’t have that kind of time and dedication, I just don’t! Doesn’t anyone appreciate brevity anymore? I’d kill for OK Go to tour with Yes. I’d be home in time for lunch that day.”

Vollick’s anxiety over the possibility has led him to pre-emptively seek out the aid of local construction professionals.

“Mr. Vollick brought us in to essentially triple the current size of the outdoor signage, should those two bands ever tour with each other. By the looks of these blueprints, she should be 93% marquee within the week. Basically a big sign with a bouncer in front of it is what we’re looking at,” said local contractor Hesseman Crest, as he dollied over one of the many giant letter Z’s purchased. “Hell, if I owned this heap, I’d probably just go ahead and make the font size smaller, but they’re the ones cutting me the fat check, so I’ll keep my yap shut.”

Unfortunately for the marquee-setters around the world, the nation’s linguists are hard at work in ways that may complicate matters further.

“Well, to make a long story short, we’ve got lots of new letters of the alphabet on the way. If projections are correct, we could be looking at a 76-77 letter English alphabet by the end of the year,” said Kramer. “This could allow indie bands to use all sorts of bloated, self-indulgently drawn-out band names. Names that could be entire passages and paragraphs the likes of which Coachella has never seen.”

At press time, Vollick entered a state of comatose shock after learning of the existence of the band The World Is A Beautiful Place And I Am No Longer Afraid To Die.

So Much for the Tolerant Left: This Liberal Got Mad After I Slept With His Wife and Shit on His Lawn

Posted on by Bobby Korec

It’s a well-known fact that liberals refer to themselves as the “tolerant left” as evidenced by a meme I saw on Facebook. But if that was the case, how come my neighbor Kevin was not very understanding after I slept with his wife and took a dump on his lawn? Every single time that happens, their tolerance is nowhere to be found. If anything, he seems pretty livid right now.

Sure, by “slept with his wife” I mean begged her several times to sleep with me. Unfortunately, she rejected all of my advances to bone, so I did what any upstanding alpha male would do and snuck into their bedroom while they were having sex and sat in a chair in the corner to watch. I think they call that cucking someone. I cucked them real good.

After they caught me, they rudely kicked me out and threatened to call the cops, so I had no choice but to pinch a loaf on his lawn, but that was only because I was eight beers deep and Michelob Ultras always make me have to go potty. He should know that by now. And yet he still avoids eye contact when he sees me. It’s like the entire Democratic party has so little patience for their neighbors’ drunken shit locations.

And hey, If I’m going to crash my car into my “tolerant” neighbor’s begonia garden at two in the morning, he should at least have the decency to understand where I’m coming from. I’m pretty sure empathy is all liberals care about. As a registered Republican, I wouldn’t be caught dead empathizing.

Finally, I’m not going to reimburse Kevin for that time I cut down that tree in my yard, and it just so happened to fall on a portion of his house, either. And now he’s suing me. That’s pretty much the least tolerant thing a person can do. It’s like liberals have no self-awareness.

Mental Health Walk Turns to Mental Health Sprint Thanks to Pack of Rabid Dogs

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

SPOKANE, Wash. — Local anxiety-sufferer Eno Patrice upped his attempt at his daily mental health walk to a mental health sprint after being chased by nine rabies-infected dogs, sources confirmed while running for their dear lives as well.

“Damn that therapist telling me that calming strolls would clear my head and lead to a more enriching life. You call this enriched? It makes me so mad I could rip everything to shreds with my own teeth! In fact, I’m gonna get started on that right now! Grrrrrr!” rasped Patrice, from within his quarantined space. “Once all my wounds heal, I stop my irrational fear of water, and I can start in-person sessions again, I just may bite that guy myself.”

The owner of the dangerous canines, local insane person Harley Toth, didn’t seem to grasp the gravity of the situation.

“Oh, that’s alright, they were just playing. The rabies just give them a little extra ‘oomph’ in the zoomies department, isn’t that right my sweet boys? Isn’t that right? Who’s got a sloppy foamy mouth and vicious glint in their eyes? You do! See? Such sweethearts,” said Toth, while making an infuriating hand flourish as if to say “you’re overreacting.” “At the end of the day, there’s really no harm done. My doggos got their exercise for the day, and he got the privilege of interacting with them. It’s win-win. If anything, I should be billing him for all the fun he got to have.”

Rabies specialists urged Patrice to focus on the upsides of infection.

“Not many people realize this, but the odd rabies infection here or there is actually a highly effective temporary cure for anxiety. One immediately stops caring about such trivial matters as their outward appearance, basic hygiene and legibility of their speech patterns, right off the bat,” offered Dr. Lamitow, while referring to her recently published book “Rabie Steps.” “Take this as a vacation from reality’s harsh plane of existence. As I say in my book, embrace rabid habits, and finally live life to the fullest. Just don’t get near me, please.”

At press time, trouble kept brewing when Patrice’s doctor’s office was revealed to be right next door to the veterinarian treating the rabid dogs.