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The Right Way to Ask Your Parents to Fund Your Grindcore Label

There comes a time in every punks life when they are faced with an age old question: “How am I going to fund my grindcore label?” 

So what is an enterprising young Goregrinder like yourself to do? There are many options to consider: A Kickstarter? Pick up some extra shifts at the anarcho-vegan bakery and bike repair shop you work at after school? Sell your filthy dreadlocks that are festering with bacteria to science?

Each have their benefits, but let’s be honest, if you really want to get Extreme Genital Destruction Records off the ground you’re gonna have to ask your parents for the startup money. All of your homies may be impressed with your spliff rolling abilities and encyclopedic knowledge of 90s Japanese Grindcore bands, but that shit isn’t gonna cut it when it comes to your parents.

We at Hard Style get it, Spleen Slitter is, “So EXTREME you’ll want to rip your own eyeballs out and fuck your eye sockets with an electric dildo.”

But do you think this is the kind of description that is gonna get your parents to hand over the $500 you need now and the $500 more you’ll need when Hemogoblin breaks up? Of course not!

You have to use language they’re gonna understand.

“Mom, this band is EXTREMELY culturally significant. They are the only Croatian band to play Maryland Deathfest, and they inspire me and my peers to be creative.”

Sounds better, right? It doesn’t matter that it isn’t even partially true or that Spleen Slitter sounds like indiscriminate industrial noise and raccoons fighting over pizza crust in a trash can.

Related: Amazing: This Guy Gave up His White Privilege to Be a Cybergoth

Explain the new skills you’re going to learn. Tell your parents you’re going to learn how to run a business; inventory, marketing, shipping and receiving, artist relations, media relations. Let them know you’re gonna be learning all this and they will be writing that check tonight!

Also, you might consider actually learning that stuff if you want to put out more than one record that no one is going to buy and is doomed to rot in various dollar bins until the end of time. Just never let them see the album art.

Follow these helpful tips and you should be putting out a crappy record for your friend PakRatt in no time!