BIKINI BOTTOM― Longtime cashier Squidward Tentacles is the lead suspect in a mass shooting at the Krusty Krab which left one employee dead and a…
GOTHENBURG, Sweden — Melodic death metal guitarist Jens Nyberg tried to use a Boss HM-2 pedal, infamous for its famous “chainsaw” guitar tone, to chop…
In America, police officers kill about 1,100 citizens per year — roughly 30 times that of the next leading nation. Every time the cops kill…
BERKELEY, Calif. — Local house sitter and frequent self gratifier David Baker is currently debating how long into his job he is expected to go…
LIMA, Ohio – A Midwestern tattoo shop is doing its part to heal the nation’s wounds by offering free appointments to anyone who wants to…
HOBOKEN, N.J. — Local nonbeliever and Bon Jovi fan Tami Clarkson has been mentally cruising through unemployment solely by the quotes and wisdom of atheist…
DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. — Fucking big shot Maria Richards felt the need to dazzle everyone by packing the dressers in her hotel room with neatly…
AMES, Iowa — Somewhat recently vaccinated woman Teresa Faison entered her third week of using the potential side effects of the Pfizer inoculation to avoid…
CHICAGO — Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan made some coffee before launching into yet another day of writing 5-star reviews of his own works on…
SEATTLE — New grocery store hire and hardcore punk Dan Lorenz has reluctantly chosen an alternative rock fan as his strongest workplace acquaintance, thanks to…
SEATTLE — Real estate giant Zillow announced a new “punk” setting today for users that will allow potential home buyers to split the mortgage between…
SIOUX FALLS, S.D. — Cool landlord and champion of the working man Jenny Holmes is allegedly only asking for references, proof of employment, and a…
BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local accountant Owen Yates is reportedly afraid to reveal his salary to his coworkers because of the fact that he is paid…
PLYMOUTH, Mass. — Matthew Kearns, a bartender at the Ye Olde Tap House located in the rear corner of a Market Basket supermarket, reportedly has…
PATCHOGUE, N.Y. — Local inebriated man Kevin Donaghue drank a few sips of water before bed moments ago in an effort to dilute the many…